Dance Through Trauma

March 2, 2021

It's Tuesday, and I woke up at 9 AM to go with my mother and two of my siblings to the store to buy some groceries; It was peaceful. However, around 5 PM, I couldn't withhold the intense pain I experienced from today's sensory overload. My brain couldn't process the air temperature around me. There was so much heat to process. First, I turned the lights off in my room to see if that would help, but there was too much darkness. Then, I went to my brother's room (Damian) to see if that would calm me down. But, I still felt like my head was about to explode. So, I went to the kitchen, feeling very stressed, and picked up an ice cube from the top of the refrigerator to see if that would help. Still, I didn't feel calm. I didn't know what to do anymore but I had to do something to get rid of the horrendous feeling. So, I decided to go back to my room and as I looked through the glass of one of the windows in my room, I thought, "I need to be outside of the house, but I'm not sure. I don't want my mother and her husband to wonder why." I was just worried about them seeing me because I didn't want to socialize with anyone. I just wanted to be left alone and deal with my dreadfulness alone. Regardless, I went outside. I went by the two cars in the back side of the house and stood there as I stared into the somber skies. I looked to my back and saw my mother's husband close the back-door of the house as he was already going back and forth outside doing something that I don't know. He came to me and asked why I was outside and if I was okay. I responded to him that I wasn't okay. I couldn't tell him what was wrong as I didn't know how to explain to him what a sensory overload was, especially in Spanish, as he barely knows English. But, he could clearly see that I wasn't okay, so he said that I should sit next to the door on a chair as there was a sheriff's car nearby. He didn't want the sheriff to think that I was being forced to be outside by him as he believed that the neighbors have a sheriff following him to make an arrest as he has no driver's license, especially as he is an undocumented immigrant. He had just been arrested weeks ago as an anonymous person called the sheriff on him. My mother's husband thinks that it was racism as the neighbors wanted the house that I currently live in with my mother and siblings. There's so much with that situation like on why the neighbors would call the sheriff on him in the first place, but I want to go back to what I was saying about today's sensory overload. My mother's husband, who I will call Ray, asked me to sit on the chair by the door, after he pulled out a chair from the house. He went back inside for something, so I stayed alone outside sitting on the chair. I stared into the star in the dark sky, as it was getting dark. I feel nauseous, but I tried my best to be calm. The air outside was cold, so it helped me feel better as I had too much frustration with the warm air inside. The warm air felt like too much pressure was put onto me, mentally. So, I spent about ten minutes outside. Then, Ray asked me to go with him to visit his mother, so I went back inside and put on my sweater and shoes. My mother asked me if I was okay in the kitchen before going to Ray's car and I told her that I was experiencing sensory overload. She didn't know what it was as she is still learning about autism. I didn't even know about the autistic trait as I learned about it this year. I also never knew I had autism, specifically Asperger's syndrome, until October 2020. I've educated myself a lot about autism from thorough research online since. I wanted a professional diagnosis for my autism, as I'm only self-diagnosed. I know I have it as I've been having the "symptoms'' for ASD my entire life. I want a professional diagnosis to receive support for my social skills, so I am better at communication in important situations. The most professional opinion I've received was from my psychiatrist in the state of Georgia, who told me that my "symptoms" did sound like I was on the spectrum, but that I didn't need to focus on it. I have OCD, PTSD, and BD, so it's a daily challenge in my life. My autism isn't that hard to deal with other than the sensory overloads and the emotional sensitivity. I'm fine with my autistic brain. My autism is not a disease from my perspective; just a difference. Well, let me put that aside now and write what happened after I left the house with Ray. So, we went to the car, but we had to come back home a few minutes later as the sheriff started to follow us. It was strange, and I do wonder why the sheriff has been following him for some time, if what Ray says is true, but it's just his belief, and the situation is none of my concern.

- March 2, 2021