Dance Through Trauma

March 2, 2022

A year of writing this book! Time flies, seriously. Last year during this time, I was new to Missouri (not really). Today, I'm enjoying watching Vampire Diaries (show) and looking for another job.  Tried to get a lawyer to help me with my SSI application, but they denied my case. I don't think I would get help from social security for mental illness even though my anxiety is seriously hard to deal with. Once I have my autism diagnosis, I will get a lawyer and apply for SSI again. I don't think SSI will accept me with just mental illness. Unfortunately, my appointment for my autism diagnosis starts this September, which is far from now. I would be patient but anxiety screams at me with, "What if everyone dies and you're by yourself." Why am I so scared to end up homeless and die out in the streets when I'm not even afraid of death. It's clearly the anxiety itself. It's part of my imperfect brain, which sucks, but I can deal with it. Anxiety can say things that sound so real. There are income-based apartments in town that I can go to with my mental illness diagnoses. My mom's friend, who is a social worker, said that I would qualify for their housing program. I can try that out. I think I'm going to get a part-time job and then try full-time, and see how it goes for me. I'm fine with having a job. I'll see if I can do it full-time, but I'm just super worried that I'll get fired from my desired job or lose that job for another reason, and I will be unable to find a job that suits my needs. I can apply for unemployment, but they probably wouldn't help me out because there will be other jobs around that I can take. However, I can't take those jobs if they require communication, which most jobs do. There's also the car thing that I have yet to conquer. I think I can do the driving part, but it's the tests that worry me. I'll have to go take them to a place where communication will be required. Even a little communication bothers me. I used to love socializing with anyone but heats of judgement by others made me completely asocial. Plus, it's frustrating trying to be social now because I'm very comfortable with myself. I finally put myself first after all these years of caring about invalid opinions of others. I can study for these tests, but being at home can make me feel lazy to do that to be completely honest. I need to motivate myself more to study. I'll figure out ways to do that once I'm ready to be on the path towards my driver's license. I just really don't like communication (in person). I seriously don't like it. I love it when kind-hearted people talk to me, but my mind assumes everyone doesn't really care about me, so I don't feel like socializing. Many people are more focused on themselves, so I want to be like that too (in a good way, not the selfish way). That is going to help me survive our society. Lately, I've been very anxious. I can manage it but I keep deciding not to do it because anxiety is like a predator. I'm the prey that they keep attracting with their tricks to eat me up. It's time again to fight the predator called anxiety.

- March 2, 2022