Tonight, I'm feeling depressed. I've been that way for months now. As Xander, I would choose to live in a physical body that matches my personality, but unfortunately, the universe gave me the body I am in now that I associate with Steven. I know this Xander vs Steven stuff may sound confusing, but Xander is me (consciously) while Steven is my subconscious. Steven comes with mental illness like my bipolar disorder, so that sucks, but what can I do? I can only cope. I wish my brain didn't have to crave for happiness, but it is how it works. Emotional brains are always complicated even without mental illness. It's the complete opposite of Xander, but keep in mind that I am neutral to everything. Although, it is challenging being Steven as he constantly thinks of death every single second. Most of the time, he gets to take control, putting Xander to sleep. I wish I could receive advice for how I can find pleasure in life but from a neurodivergent because I don't truly understand the neurotypical world that they like to call the "normal" world. Also, this is off topic, but I haven't been writing much lately because of my depression, and well, I haven't found pleasure in anything for a while, which is pretty exhausting. Hopefully, better days are ahead.
- March 22, 2021
YOU ARE READING
Dance Through Trauma
غير روائيA diary of an autistic young adult who suffers from PTSD as a result of school bullying. Read about my deep inner thoughts from my conscious and subconscious, and how I am dealing with PTSD as an autistic person. (Book will be finished in a few year...
