Dance Through Trauma

April 18, 2021

I'm not afraid of death, but I constantly think about it. It makes me very sad to think about the end of someone's life, so I spend every second in life fearing that my death will come the second after. As I'm listening to music from the mid 2010s, I feel an intense amount of nostalgia. However, It's a different kind of nostalgia because I feel as if I'm about to die. I'm not sure what this I'm-about-to-die-soon feeling is but I want to enjoy every second of my life rather than fearing death. I've done some research on this feeling a while ago and apparently many people with this feeling have depression or PTSD. I have bipolar depression and PTSD, so the feeling must come from one of those two, or it may be from my OCD. It's not a new feeling though as I've experienced this from 2013 to 2015. I really want to know why I feel this way, but I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe it's just paranoia? I don't know, but my mom also thinks a lot about when and how she will die, just like me. I wonder why we both think like this but maybe someday I'll find out why. I do notice that whenever I feel this strange feeling, I have anxiety about being brutally hurt by someone or that I will be in an accident of some sort, so it may just be my PTSD. It makes sense if it's all connected to that challenging illness because my brain always fears people to begin with and sees everyone as a threat, especially people who are close-minded. If I had to communicate with a doctor, I would feel a bit more safer with them than anyone else because they would be more educated than non-doctors. However, I would still have some fear because doctors are still human and my brain sees humanity as the most evil species to ever exist. It's not how I really think though because I like to see everything with just the eye meaning that I will only see without any thoughts or feelings or anything else. I only see things, but that's consciously. Subconsciously, I see the human world as an evil place and because of this mentality, it's hard to live in the same atmosphere as other human beings. I know I'm a human being just like everyone else, but my brain sees itself differently from people and identifies itself with a group of other human beings who are innocent at heart because despite the negative mentality of my subconscious, it still believes that there is innocence in this world. I'm not the same person as I was before with the strong empathy, kindness, and caring. I make sure I don't let myself feel anything for people because all my life, I've been used and betrayed by the wicked people of this world. So, why should I continue doing things for a world that doesn't even acknowledge my innocence? I may seem heartless, and maybe I really am, but it's not because I want to be heartless. I need to be heartless in this world in order to live my life. It's not a want, but a need, if I want to live a healthy life. Otherwise, I will continue being hurt by people who dedicate their lives to hurting everyone. I don't blame some of the wicked people of our world though as they've must've gone through something similar to what I've gone through in life. There's science behind every act we do as human beings, but I dislike the fact that most of the science behind people today brings out negative traits that ravage the life of others. But, I will still keep my patience until death because again, I believe humanity will improve from what it is now.

- April 18, 2021