Dance Through Trauma

April 12, 2021

Yesterday night, many hours after yesterday's diary entry, we arrived from my mother's boyfriend's family member's home. It was a party, which I didn't like because we were in a pandemic, but I told myself that even if I wore a mask, my mother's boyfriend would carry the virus and infect me with it at home. I just tried my best not to get close to people. After all, I don't even talk to anyone, so I like to hang out by myself. No one even wore a mask, but it is what it is. I didn't have a mask as I always forget to bring one to places, but it would've been pointless. However, I felt so uncomfortable because there were so many people. Not because of the virus, but because I felt that they were all judging me by making fun of my behavior. I was playing with the little kids at the trampoline, so well, I did talk a little with people at the party, which were the kids, but the pandemic wasn't a concern of mine because I was too concerned on the fact that there were so many humans that could end up judging me and later try to hurt me either emotionally or physically, so I was very cautious. So, as I played with the kids, I kept seeing the adults looking at me with their fingers pointing at me, which means that they may be talking about me, so it worried me. Then, there was this little girl at the trampoline who said I was too old to play, but I ignored her and continued to play. It's just a trampoline to begin with, and I don't care about the rules of society! I just wanted to be myself and have some fun in my life, but the amount of eyes that looked at me made me so uncomfortable. If you saw me in person, you can clearly see that I'm a very introverted person, and I act differently with my body movements, so people may think negatively about me for my behavior, especially since they probably don't even know much about autism. So, being at the party was mostly a horror, especially because of the suicidal thoughts. I was feeling like crying because I remembered how people judged me back then, and I didn't want to suffer, so I told myself that if someone came up to me and tried to hurt me, I would defend myself and not let them get to my vulnerable side. I kept thinking how evil humanity is, but I held on. Despite the horrors, I had some small boosts of happiness. There was the fun I had at the trampoline, and then fun I had with Damian, Kathleen, and a few other kids around the roosters behind the house. I had a lot of running, and I am still very exhausted from it. Another good thing that happened at the party was that I saw a cute guy. He looked like he was 18 to me, but I don't know his age. He was a bit taller than me and looked like he was at least about to become a young adult. He was really cute though, and I couldn't stop looking at him. I imagined that me and him went behind the house by ourselves and gave each other a kiss, but that was just romantic imagination. Anyway, we stayed at the party for the entire afternoon until night time, around 8 PM. Before we arrived back home, we went to the store nearby because my mom's boyfriend wanted to buy something, so my mom and I, along with my four little siblings, stayed in the car when all of the sudden, my three youngest siblings started crying. Kathleen started crying first, then Ovi, and then Jesiah. When my mom's boyfriend came back, he drove us back home and when he got out of the car to open the door of the house with my mom and Jesiah, I heard my mother say "Your mind always thinks trash." I wondered what was happening, so when everyone went back inside. My mother's boyfriend's sisters came with their kids to our house to leave my mother's boyfriend's car since they boroughed it to go to the party as it was an hour away from our town, and I assume one of their cars can't go far or else it'll stop working. Anyway, after they left, my mother's boyfriend started to yell at my mom with anger. He said that I hurt my sister Jesiah since she has a scratch, and well, she was crying a lot. So, he thought I did something to her that led her to cry, so my mother told him back that I did nothing, and said a lot of more things to defend me. They fought for about half an hour, while my siblings watched them argue. My mom's boyfriend told my mom that I might end up seriously hurting my siblings, which is crazy of him to say because why would I want to do such a thing to my siblings? It's not in my nature to hurt others, so how could I hurt them? After the fight, my mom came to my room and brought Jesiah with her. I asked my mother that I wanted to see Jesiah's scratch, and when I saw the scratch, it wasn't even a bad one! It was a small dot on one of her arms! I thought, "This man is being too dramatic. It's literally just a tiny dot on her hand." I didn't do anything to my sister, and she was crying because she seemed to be afraid of the dark, and my other two siblings were crying, so obviously, she would cry out of fear. Anyway, my mom told her boyfriend that she didn't want him accusing me of things when I do none of what he accuses me of. She then brought up the condoms that she found months ago hidden in one of the rooms in the house, that she never uses with her boyfriend. My mom's boyfriend leaves the house for hours claiming that he is out to go pick up the money from his work, but it's obvious that he cheats on my mom. There's the condoms and so many other things that my mom has found out. All of this made my mom's boyfriend even more angry, but fortunately, he did not attack my mom physically. Everything at home is calm now, but during the fight between my mom and her boyfriend, I feared that my death was near. I thought that since her boyfriend didn't like me at all, he would end up doing the unimaginable to me. Well, it's not unimaginable. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up taking my life away because of his behavior. He is a criminal and he must pay for his crimes, like domestic violence. I texted two of my friends on Snapchat that I text online from time to time and told them about the situation, in case anything happened to me, so at least they would know how I died, if I ended up dead because of my mom's boyfriend. The fact that my mom's boyfriend, Ray, accused me of hurting my sister added more reasons to the way my traumatized brain thinks. There at the party, I was very uncomfortable because of the people. I didn't feel safe at the party because I felt that people were judging me, especially when they didn't even know about my autism because I don't think everyone at the party knew about it. Even if I'm not autistic, people shouldn't be judging me. No one deserves any judgement unless they've done something unacceptable. Ugh, I'm still scared of Ray right now. I'm in my room with Damian, who is afraid of sleeping alone in his own room. I let him sleep in my room on most nights, but tonight, I am afraid that I will end up dead soon because of Ray's paranoia. I just hope that my family and I can leave this house soon, safe in sound. Moving on from the hope, I just feel like something is really wrong with me. Why do people constantly judge me when I'm only being my natural self? The universe intended me to be me, so why do I have to be the "perfect" person that society wants me to be? I know for sure that nothing's wrong with me, but I'm so sick of living in this wicked world. Why do I even continue living in pain when I can just leave this world through death? I planned to stay alive, but what happened today is making me rethink my thoughts on life. Why do humans have to be so cruel? Why can't we all just be happy and live in harmony? I know it's all science, but I just wish this all ended already. Can scientists come up with something that turns people into peaceful beings? There needs to be something that can be done to change the way humans usually think otherwise, our species will end up dead! There's so many people like me suffering out there in the world right now because of humanity's cruelty. The innocent souls in our world have to suffer so much till their time comes, and it's so unfair. If I ever die, it would be lovely if I was remembered as a writer and photographer. 'Dreaming Of You' by Selena Quintanilla should be the song that honors me, because it's my most favorite song of all time as of today. I'm just saying this in case I end up dead soon because of the hate in this world. Death doesn't scare me, but it's the way that I will die that scares me. It's so a natural human feeling; to fear anything connected to death. But, I have to put Steven away and have Xander take control of my brain more than Steven or else my brain will suffer awfully. Oh, I'm so anxious right now. I can't stand living in this world anymore. Why do I continue to let myself suffer when I can just die? I seriously see no happiness in my future. There's only more emotional pain, which I am sick of. People everywhere hate me and I'm exhausted from having to see people full of hate. I know that they may be hurt from their own past or something. However, damaged hearts need to be fixed through love, not hate.

- April 12, 2021