Dance Through Trauma

July 5, 2021

My anxiety at home has been down lately. Nothing at home has triggered me in days, which is great for me. Things at home are going okay, as long as no one is hurt. My siblings need the support of both of their parents, so staying here is an option for now. We will leave if any of us gets physically hurt. My little siblings seem to be doing fine mentally. I'm only concerned about Damian's mental health because he has seen my mother go through so much at home due to domestic violence, and that can be very traumatic for a little kid. I just hope that it doesn't turn into PTSD, and I hope that it doesn't affect his mentality at all. I've talked to him about what he has seen, and I told him that what his step father did to our mother in the past isn't right, so he doesn't grow up thinking that it's right. Yeah, I've said before that morality doesn't exist and I still believe that. What I meant is that the idea of morality is all just human construct, so it only exists in the human emotional world, and nowhere else. That's what I meant by "not real" even though I don't believe in the concept of fiction versus reality. What's considered fake exists in someone's view. What's right and wrong are human constructs as well, and I rather see outside of the human mind, but I still call some things right or wrong when harm is being caused to me or someone else because it's easier for people to understand since not everyone will understand my way of thinking. I can do something considered as wrong by humans, and I wouldn't see it as wrong. It doesn't mean that I will do what's considered wrong unless it is something that Xander would do. Speaking of Xander, I've always wanted to be completely him, but it is impossible to get rid of my human side that I call Steven. I don't mind my human side, as long as it doesn't cause any harm. Why am I emphasizing harm? That is because harm is something that can destroy who I am, and something that can destroy someone else, which is not a goal of mine. Xander isn't about harm; he is about peace. Harm isn't part of what it is to be a peaceful being, so it is never my intention to hurt anyone. I do struggle at times when I think about taking my own life, but that's my sick brain, not Xander. Anyways, going back to what I was saying about Damian, I really want to inform him of things that I deem as important. No matter my anxiety, I will have my family stay here because we really depend on my mother's boyfriend, especially my siblings. My mother can not be a single mother of four children because that would be a tough job for her to do, and it is not my responsibility to be a parent to my siblings. If they have their father, then he should be responsible for them, along with my mother. I told my mother that we can stay here for the next ten years, and then move out, as my siblings will be much older than now. It is very hard to be responsible for many children, and my mother's boyfriend fortunately has some feelings despite his abusive past, and current nonresponsibility of his children. He may not do as much as a father should be doing for his children, but at least he's paying the rent and bills of the house that we live in, takes care of the house's foundation, and takes a little care of the children. This is better than nothing, so I'm glad he's trying something. I told my mother to ignore what he does, and just focus on the children's well-being. I also told her that as long as her boyfriend causes no physical harm, then we will stay. I will not let him cause any emotional distress anymore, and my mother isn't letting him weaken her anymore. Whenever they argue, I hear my mother yell at him that she will not let him control her ever again, and I'm so glad that she is like that. I'm only concerned about Damian, but he thankfully has support. He has therapy, medication, our mother, and me. I'm also glad that he talks about what's on his mind because it makes it easier for any of us to help him with something. Also, Damian has been improving a little with his behavior. He doesn't physically hit me as much as he used to. It's kind of rare for him to hit me, and whenever he hits me, he apologizes after. I'm glad that he is finally acknowledging his wrongdoings. He also apologizes after he calls me names, which is good too. He used to never apologize to me, but now he is! I just want him to go easier on my mom because I see that he is more mean to her than everyone else, so I want him to respect her more. Other than Damian, my three little siblings are doing fine. Since everything is okay, I can focus on myself much more. I'm just glad that I'm going to counseling to talk about my traumas, and how I can deal with them while also being on medication. I'm actually feeling better from talking about what I went through with someone because I revisit those traumatic times. Revisiting helps me get to the root causes of my negative beliefs like "trust no one" and "people are evil." I understand myself more than ever before, and doing so will help me overturn my negative beliefs, and think more positively. I have coping skills like imagining myself in a spaceship in space, music, writing, playing games, spending time with siblings, looking at my LED color lights, and more. After I'm healed from my traumas, I will have more ability to go to work, and then be responsible for myself. The only problem would be my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, if it isn't fixed by then. I have so much anxiety about having a job, and I get anxiety with the thought of having to be completely responsible for myself because it's something I've never done before, and I don't want anything to go wrong because it can lead me to homelessness. I would love to be financially independent, and do things all on my own, but it's scary at the same time because I might fail at it. However, even if I fail, I can try again. I have my family who can help me with a place to stay, but then the anxious thought that says "What if your entire family dies?" comes to mind. Who will help me? I will be without any support, and I will end up dead on the streets. It's scary to think about, but I think there will always be a family member who will help me since the odds of my entire family dying are low. I think I will see much more improvement to my PTSD later this year. I don't know when my general anxiety will improve, but I hope it's either mild or gone by next year, so I can finally start to work and live my life independently!

- July 5, 2021