Dance Through Trauma

April 7, 2021

I've decided to enjoy life without fear of losing it. I will enjoy every moment in life that I possibly can, so my mental health can be as healthy as it can be. I really hope I stick with this though, as I sometimes happen to go back to the beginning of a difficult situation right after the solution. I keep telling myself that my death will probably be unexpected, and it will be scary if it occurs, but death is just an experience and the fear that I will have before I die will just be a natural human trait. I just fear that I will be hurt and end up dead because of the hostility in this world, but it's time to suppress that fear and focus on the present. As Steven, I want to die happy, not sad. So, I shall live every second of my life with happiness when it's possible! I will cope and learn to defeat the battles mental illness throws at me. I will win this brain war and forever be content in life subconsciously, because I've already technically achieved that consciously! Why suffer unnecessarily when I can live! Of course, I will do that whenever I can do it because sometimes, mental illness can be too hard on me, so when that happens, being happy is just not possible at that very moment. However, any other moment that is free from mental illness will be enjoyed! Every moment with mild or moderate symptoms from mental illness will be enjoyed as much as possible! Every moment with severe symptoms from mental illness will be enjoyed through coping strategies! See, I have it all worked out now! I just really hope I don't fall back to the spot that I have been in for so many months now. I just have another problem now, which is whether I should go back to spending most of my time alone instead with family. I'm mentally better being alone but I spend time with family because I like to be with them and also because being with my family keeps me physically active. Otherwise, I will have very little physical activity, which will be bad for my overall health. Oh, speaking of health, I've also decided to care about my physical health as well, so my body is mentally and physically healthy! I can be Xander and live in a miserable human body or I can be Xander and live in a healthy human body. The more healthier Steven is, the more Xander can see, which is what Xander does naturally. It wouldn't matter if Xander had to live in a depressed person for a lifetime because it wouldn't affect him, but if he had the choice to see more by making the physical body (that he is in) to be more healthy, then so will he choose! If he had to see less, then he just sees less. He's emotionless, remember, so nothing matters to him. But, having the desire to see anything that interests him is part of his nature, so he will do what he can to see. If he fails, he fails. If he succeeds, he succeeds. Even if Xander had to see a full black screen for a lifetime, then he would still not be affected. He doesn't need to see the physical universe to begin with because he has an imaginary city that is a part of him that he can see without any physical eyes. It's all in the third eye, or the eye of the inner mind. Even if that imaginary city were to be taken away, he would die as it's part of him, but if he somehow is alive without the city, then he will not be affected. He will just exist, even if he can't sense anything. He just exists, anyway. He's just impossibly undefeatable because he's not emotional. Imagine if I'm able to enforce this onto Steven! It would be a wish come true, but it likely won't happen. Speaking as Steven, the new problem I have now still needs an answer. Should I try to avoid my family members and any other human interaction as much as possible? It's truly healthier for me because my brain just can not deal with anything negative. Even normal anger can trigger my PTSD, and if I can avoid that, then I should do that. I just need to tell my mom that I want to spend more time alone. She's very caring for me and doesn't like me being alone because she thinks I'm feeling lonely, but it's not that. I just function more alone. I will spend time with my family when I feel comfortable doing so. I sometimes spend time with them even when I feel overwhelmed because I feel that it is my duty to be with them and help my mom out with my little siblings, but I have to care for myself too. It's not healthy for me when I have to deal with a lot of stuff, so I have to stay as much alone as I can so I feel happier. I will go out with them when I'm comfortable whenever they go out. I will do everything for myself, and it won't hurt them. It's for my own good, otherwise, I will just mentally burnout, and be full of high levels of cortisol. It's not "selfish" or "narcissistic." It's called self-care and sacrificing yourself for others even when you don't want to shouldn't be normalized. I would end up unable to help out anyway because of the amount of stress I would have carried by then, so it's the same on both sides. I won't be able to help. Plus, I'm mentally disabled. I don't believe in the rules of human society to begin with because I have my own beliefs, but from an emotional perspective, what I do doesn't harm others. I'm not like that because I'm a being of peace, if we're speaking emotionally here. Hopefully, this all came off the way I wanted it to come off. I just need to communicate this with my mom, and I hope she understands. It's the best choice for me, plus my mom is strong enough to handle her own children, who are my siblings, and her problems. She's been doing this for years, and she's still here with her amazing strength. Mothers have it hard, and as much as I want to help my mom the most, I will only help when I'm comfortable with it and mentally stable to do it. I'm not going to do something while I'm experiencing a mental breakdown or something close to that. I will help when I can because I just can't stop caring for my family. It's just a natural trait of mine, or of Steven. It's a human trait to care about your own family, so I accept it and I will follow it whenever it's healthy for me. Did any of that make sense? Hopefully! Seriously though, my mom does have it hard because she has three littles kids under the age of 4, and a son who turns nine this December, Damian. One of my three little siblings, Ovi, has autism that requires high support needs. Damian has ADHD and ODD, so he is very hard to handle at home especially when he gets angry. His ADHD isn't the problem, it's his ODD. My mom and I still love him though because we understand that he was born with a brain of a different nature. Damian is medicated with three pills a day, and goes to therapy once a week. So, as long as he is receiving professional help, we should wait for him to improve throughout time. But again, he is very hard to handle! That's why I always want to help my mom with him and my other three little siblings because she does this all alone. Her boyfriend doesn't help much with the kids because he spends a lot of time being at other places or in his room in the dark using his phone while my mom struggles with the kids in the living room. Like seriously, he is not a true father. My mom is all alone with the kids, which is why I want to help. I want to be a great brother to my siblings, and someone else for them to look up to other than mom. They don't have a father, and Damian isn't my mother's boyfriend's biological son, but Damian doesn't have his biological father here. My mom and Damian's biological father had problems years ago, and Damian's biological father has no importance in Damian's life anyway. Damian remembers him, but he tells me that he hates him for what he did to our mom with the lies he told the police years ago about my mom being a "bad parent" to Damian. All of this occurred between 2015 and 2016, but we managed to escape that situation within the family. I don't know much about the psychology of Damian's biological father, but he did lie during those times. Maybe he was scared for Damian, maybe he lied to keep Damian and take him away from my mom, or maybe he just wanted to take revenge on my mother. I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter to me. I have no thoughts on Damian's biological father consciously neither subconsciously. He's just a human being that has some sort of connection with my family in this universe. So yeah, I just want to help my mom out because I can't bear to see her struggle on her own as a parent, but I will just keep telling myself during every worry about her that I know that she is strong because she is! She will survive this, and I will help her when I can, but I will not help her when I don't have the ability to help, unless it's an emergency, then I will just force myself to help no matter the circumstances.

- April 7, 2021