Dance Through Trauma

March 24, 2021

Morning: I was thinking about whether I should have friends again, but since I have severe PTSD from school bullying, how will I ever trust people? Last year, I let myself be open to people again in July 2020 after socially isolating myself for two months, and guess what? Once again, I had people betray me. There's that online boy that I met from Grindr that I wrote about in my book "Youthful Blossom" and then there's the mean people online that were triggering my PTSD. Communication with human beings is just not healthy for me as my brain is wired to be alone. I don't want or need friends anyway because I already have myself. But, I also like sharing my thoughts online, which is going to change from now on, hopefully. So, I will no longer share my thoughts on Instagram nor Snapchat. I will just write in my diary. Maybe I'll post a few of my thoughts on social media to keep some people updated on my life, but I really don't know if I should do that anyway because I want to stay as healthy as I can mentally. Why should I share my thoughts to human beings who are full of judgement? It would only affect my traumatized brain and my brain has had enough of the hostility of humanity. So, since I like to write out my thoughts anyway, I will do that in this diary instead of social media. I'm thinking about publishing this diary someday, but I don't think it'll ever be well-known. But, that's not my goal anyway. I just want to publish my book so my writing is out there. I think putting your art out into the world is great for some people to see. After all, not everyone is a threat like my traumatized brain thinks. And then there's that thought that I always have about how the universe will eventually come to an end in a couple of billions of years according to what scientists have found out of theorized so far. I always think, "Why should I share this anyway if it will not exist in the future? I rather just be interested in my own art than have others be interested in it. I'm my own audience and that's all I need. I know mental illness usually tricks the mind, but my PTSD does have a fair point. I mean, look at what happened last year after letting myself be open again for the millionth time. Like come on! All this emotional distress that I will just receive from humans will do nothing but hurt my brain. I'm surprised that I am not a sociopath because after all the pain I have endured from people, I am still sane. Yeah, I will continue to text a few of my internet friends, some of which are friends that I have known for years. There's Kari, Katie, Kenzie, Cora, and a few others. I can trust them but if any of them were to hurt me, I will just block them immediately and hopefully my brain doesn't make it a big deal. I may talk about a few personal things with them, but I won't text much. I don't mind sharing my interests in music artists on my instagram fan page. As long as I'm not sharing anything about myself because I can't risk being triggered. Anyways, keep in mind that all of my thoughts from an emotional perspective is just Steven communicating, not Xander

Night: I don't know what I need to do with how I behave in person because it's always Steven who is showing himself through the physical body, but I want Xander to take over the body as much as possible and put Steven away. I just don't want to show Steven's side because of my mother's boyfriend at home as I feel like he is judging me. I also fear that he will get really mad at me and do something harmful to me. I have a couple of pictures of my mom with her mouth bleeding on my phone from October 2020 and some old pictures from 2018 of my mom with a purple color on a side of her face that she sent me to save. They're all saved on my Google Photos account. I also have my medical records from the mental clinic that I went to in Georgia before I moved from there to Missouri with notes from my therapist that I had in summer and fall of 2018 that have information about how worried I was for my mother. It's all in her notes, and that is documentation, so I can use that against him someday, but I want my mom to take the decision to put a report against him. However, if he does something to my mother now that I'm here, then I will obviously call the police on him. Anyways, his presence triggers my PTSD because of his past abusive behavior. What if I behave like myself and he starts accusing me again of something and tries to hurt me? I moved away from my father's house in late January 2021 because I felt that he was going to kick me out and leave me alone out in the streets as he has been bugging me for months about my "laziness" because I don't work, which is actually just my inability to work due to my mental disabilities. Yeah, I will try to work someday, but I just finished high school. I'm just getting started with my adult life. Plus, it's different for me as a mentally ill person and an autistic person, who does not understand the neurotypical world. My father always triggered my PTSD as well, so having my mother's boyfriend here at home is like having my father at home except that my father was never physically abusive towards me. Anyways, let me put that aside now and talk about the completion of my poetry book! At 11 PM, I published my poetry book on Wattpad and I'm currently trying to upload it on Medium. Now, I'm just going to focus on my diary. Maybe I'll write another book, but for now, I'll write in this one!

- March 24, 2021