Dance Through Trauma

April 1, 2022

Today I went to work at the movie theater. It opened today to the public. I took out crash, added ice to the coolers, added trash bags around the place, and helped out others a bit. The workers there are mostly in high school. A few are in middle school, and others are older than me. The oldest there I think is a guy who is 27 from my unintended eavesdropping. The youngest worker is 11 years old. It's a good job for people who are in middle school and high school, so they can earn something. It's 5 dollars an hour, and it's all paid in cash. I was paid 189$ dollars tonight for my 7 days of work before the opening. I'm happy to see the money that I earned myself! It feels good. I'm still going to work at the theater during the weekends. I'm trying to get a job at my brother's school as a lunch person that works in the school cafeteria. It will be part time during school days. Hopefully, it goes well. I like my job at the theater, but my mind was full of sadness during the job today, and yesterday during the meeting that the workers and I had with the owner, I was sad with suicidal thoughts. I've been this way for the past few days. I have no actual thoughts that are sad. I have a positive mindset, but my brain drives on mental illness. It's not even in my power anymore. All of it is caused by how my brain works, not me. I've fixed myself a lot with my mindset, and I've taken a lot of medication for my brain through the years. It's been 7 years since I first started having symptoms of a mental disorder. Years after treatment, I'm still dealing with mental illness. I've learned to cope, but it doesn't mean that my mental illness goes away when I cope. It just means that I can survive it, so that I don't lose my mind and end up taking my own life away. Therapy is helpful, and so is medication, but it hasn't taken away my severe symptoms. My anxiety and bipolar depression are the worst that I have. I've realized that I have been experiencing mania recently too. This will never go away, and I can accept that. I can live with a sick brain. What worries me is whether social security will help me financially. I'm sure I can get food stamps, and I think I could get Medicaid, but social security income can be tricky. I really hope they don't take a long time trying to get me approved for their benefits. I'm entitled to them, and I'm definitely disabled. I just want to try out work first for the year, and if it doesn't go well, social security income will be my next step even though I have trust issues with them because I think they will just deny me all over again no matter how hard I try. I'm scared of that, so I hope I win that in the future or that I can hold a part-time job. I'm going to tell all of this to my doctor when I see him on video-call soon. As well as my therapist. All of what I feel needs to be documented, so that I can use that documentation for future purposes when it is necessary. Despite my distorted mentality, I still have a positive mindset underneath.