Dance Through Trauma

July 20, 2021

I'm in bed in the middle of the night thinking about my future while streaming 'Aunque No Salga El Sol' by Selena Quintanillia from her 1990 album 'Ven Conmigo.' What I desire for my future is that my mental health can let me function better than ever before. If I have mild symptoms, I'll use coping skills and anything else that will help me with the symptoms. I just want to have a state of mind that will feel pleasant. I need to continue to try harder to put away much of my emotional sensitivity by next year because it is a huge threat to my mental health. I also want to have at least mild symptoms of PTSD instead of moderate or severe symptoms. It would be great if it goes away for good, but I think it'll take a bit longer for my brain to process my past traumas. I'm pretty sure that I will do fine in life without traumatic stress getting in the way thanks to talking therapy. Talking with my therapist or counselor (I'm not sure what the difference is between those two) helps me revisit traumatic experiences to help me learn how the experiences affected my personality and negative beliefs. Revisiting the past helped me realize everything that came out of those events like the negative beliefs about human society. So, with the negative beliefs, I can overturn them to think positive, so that I can feel better. How did I never think of that before? There's no good to keeping negative beliefs about something when all it does is make you feel miserable. I rather have positive thoughts than negative thoughts, so I shall have that whenever it comes to people. I won't fear friendships, relationships, nor society itself. I went through so much pain in life because of bad people, but not everyone is bad like the people that I unfortunately had to come across. There's bad people because of a scientific explanation that shows why their behavior is the way it is. People can be bad to others because of their own life experiences like my own, or because of insecurities, or because they're facing problems at the time. There's a reason for their behavior, but it's never me. If I do something bad to someone like hurting their feelings, then I'll accept my mistake, apologize, and make up for it. Many people in the world have immature thinking, which is why there is so much bad in the world. All the bad in the world can be so hard to accept, but understanding that there is science behind their behavior can give you an explanation for their behavior. No human is purely good in society, but there's people who can help us like therapists, friends, doctors, or family. There's a fair balance of good and bad in this world. We shouldn't focus only on the good or only on the bad. We should see an equal balance of good and bad in the world. All the bad people in the world can make anyone feel like a failure, but keep in mind that whoever is being bothered by a bad person has done nothing else but kindness, which isn't something to feel bad about. So, when a mean person comes into my life, I will know that the problem isn't me. The mean person has their own problems and their behavior helps them cope with their troubles even though it's unhealthy to cope in that way.  My young self used to feel so bad about himself because of his bullies, but my present self now knows that I am not the problem. I'm always kind to people because I see no reason to be mean to anyone even if I'm traumatized. That is because I can cope in a healthy and mature way. Some people cope in wrong ways, but I don't judge them. They just haven't been shown how to do it all right nor have they figured out things themselves. Trauma or no trauma, I am a kind and friendly person. Well, I get so easily exhausted when it comes to socializing because of my lack of dependence on needing friends. I just want a boyfriend someday, if it ever becomes possible. My family are my friends, and if I ever have a boyfriend, then he will be my friend too. I can have friends outside of my family and my future relationship (if I ever have one), but I'm not so social anymore. My past traumas made me become asocial overtime, and I can try to overcome it but I don't want to feel lonely because of the lack of friends. I'm fine with being by myself, and I have my family anyway, so I'm not so lonely. Loneliness doesn't make me sad, but if I ever become a super social butterfly someday, then I would suffer from loneliness if there ever comes a time where I won't be able to socialize with anyone. I'm living through a pandemic today, and some people in this pandemic can socialize through the internet, which I could do too if something like a pandemic were to come in my life again, but I wouldn't be able to have any physical communication, which would concern me because I've struggled with lack of physical communication before and it can be such a scary feeling. I don't want to ever experience it again, so I'm fine where I am. I'll only change it if I want to, and think it is safe to do so. What truly matters is my happiness, so everything else shouldn't be emphasized that much. Besides my mental health, I do worry about my mother's own mental health due to the arguing that her and her boyfriend have on most days, but I'll try to worry only on a healthy level because I can worry too much. Plus, my mother is strong and has been through worse situations, so she will be fine. In the end, my mother and I will be strong warriors that have gone through millions of wars.

- July 20, 2021