Dance Through Trauma

June 25, 2021

I'm starting my 19th birthday with worry and stress. Mainly because my mom has to go to court in September for no driver's license and for not having one of my siblings buckled up. She received tickets from a police officer yesterday afternoon after she was stopped during our way home on a highway. We were coming from another town where we decided to buy pizza, cake, and a few other things for Ovi's birthday. He turned 3 yesterday, so my mom bought stuff to celebrate as a family at home. When the police officer stopped the car, my mom was panicking because she had no driver's license nor was my sister buckled up. Kathleen was the one who wasn't buckled up mainly because my mom can't get buckled up due to Kathleen's disobedience. My mom would do it herself but Kathleen always takes off her seat belt, which is why we always have to argue with her in the car. I understand that my mom didn't try hard enough to get her buckled up because it can be so stressful especially as she has more children. Anyway, I rolled down my window and the police officer asked my mom for her driver's license. However, my mom didn't have one. She knew how to drive a car, but she couldn't get one because she isn't a US citizen or resident. My mom didn't even have her ID card because it was torn apart. One of my siblings did the damage to her card weeks ago, but she luckily had her Mexican passport. So, the police officer checked it out, and wanted to speak with my mom outside of the car. I heard him tell her that she wasn't going to go to jail, so there was no need for crying. So, my mom tried to calm herself down even though she had a massive fear of being deported. The police officer and my mother had a conversation in the police car for about ten minutes. During that time, I called my mom's "boyfriend" just in case my mom was going to be arrested, so my siblings and I could be picked up and taken home. I didn't like the way he talked on the phone to me because he sounded serious, and didn't even mention that he would try to help my mom get out of jail, if she were to go there. He mostly just talked about getting the car taken from a friend, so it wouldn't be towed. I thought he would be worried about my mother, but I remembered that a narcissist doesn't care about others. Does he not know that if my mom gets deported back to Mexico, my siblings would suffer? He is not capable of being a father, especially to my autistic brother Ovi. He mistreats Ovi so much, and tries so hard to make him "normal." He barely shows any love and affection to my siblings because he spends most of his time getting angry at them while he's using his phone. On the other hand, let me go back to what I was saying about my mom and the police officer's conversation. So, after their conversation, my mom left the police car and got back into the car that she was driving, which was owned by her "boyfriend." She seemed happy, so I asked her what had happened. She said that the police officer was really kind to her, and that she was able to drive the car back home, but that she wasn't allowed to drive ever again unless she had a license. She did receive two tickets, and my mom will be fine with paying the fine or doing any community service. The problem is that if the judge decides that my mom goes to jail, then she could risk getting deported because that's when the immigration police take advantage of immigrants who are in jail or prison. I really hope nothing terrible happens to my mother because if she gets deported, she will be separated from her children, who are all American-born. Her "boyfriend" wouldn't allow my mom to take my siblings to Mexico, but if that happens, he won't have them for long anyway. I will try my best to get Child Protective Services to take my siblings away if no one can take them in. I would love to take them in if my mom were to ever be deported, but four children is too much to be responsible for. I have my own problems in my head, and being responsible for four children, especially two who need intensive care due to their differences, will destroy me. It would be too much weight on my chest. So, it would be sad to see them go away to foster care separated. It would be better for them to be there than to be with their abusive father, though. Damian isn't the biological son of my mother's "boyfriend," but he is Damian's step-father. Maybe Damian had a chance of not going to foster care if his father's family can take him in. His aunt in Georgia and his grandmother in Mexico can take Damian in. Maybe I'll get to see him from time to time, at least through photos. However, my three youngest siblings will be in foster care. I don't want to be away from them ever, but there would be nothing I could do because my mother is their only caregiver. I just really hope none of this ever happens under the new president's administration because president Joe Biden promised that he would try his best not to have any deportations under his presidency. I don't like to get into politics, but I hope the president keeps his word because I can't lose my mother in September. She will suffer, and so will my siblings, who will be left without a parent. I just hope that child protective services can send my siblings to Mexico, so my mom can be with them. They will suffer in Mexico because of financial problems, but at least they're all together. I just hope it comes to that if any of this ever happens. I'd go to Mexico with them, but I don't feel safe going there because I fear being judged for my mental illness, autism, and my homosexuality. I'll live in places that my mom grew up in, and people in poor places aren't always educated. Plus, I receive better care in America, so I will probably have to stay with my father and my brother Jamie. I love both of them, so I will be comfortable in that environment. As long as my family is alive and well in Mexico, then I'll be fine too in America. Again, I'd go with them to Mexico, if any of this ever happens, but I wouldn't feel safe in that country because of who I am. I could risk my life for my family, but I just can't. I can still help them financially once I start to have a job, so that I can send money to them from America to Mexico. My parents own a house in Mexico, so my family can go live there! Hopefully, Mexico has something that can help out Ovi, who has autism, and Damian, who has ADHD. But again, none of this better happens because it's better for all of us to stay in America because we have much more resources than in Mexico. I'm going to go a little off-topic now because I wanted to talk about what happened after we got home from the highway. So, my mother's "boyfriend" arrived at the house, and had a short conversation with my mom about what had happened with her and the police. My mother noticed that he was drinking alcohol because of the smell of his breath. His behavior seemed strange, and he didn't eat anything at all at our short family birthday party. It's certain that he was drunk because he does drink from time to time. He left an hour later to go to "work," but he never came back home. He's actually been away from home for a few days now since my mom told him that she doesn't want him in the house. It's likely that he's staying at the house of his two sisters because he has been using his brother's car, who is currently in jail for pointing a gun at a woman he dated. I don't know his brother much, but he was nice to me whenever we came to see each other, whenever my family were at his place, mainly so my three youngest siblings could play with their cousins. So, I don't want to speak about him much. Obviously, I don't like the fact that he did such a thing to someone, but I don't want to judge anyone. I judge my mother's "boyfriend," but I just can't help it. How can I not judge the devil of my life? Anyway, I'm just glad that he's away from the house for now because there are finally no arguments, fears, and stress at home! With his presence away from where I am, I feel safe. So, after he left, we enjoyed eating pizza and the birthday cake, and went back to what we always do at home. My mom didn't work yesterday, but she is today for the whole morning. Her workplace is close to the house, so she can walk there without the car. My mom needed the car to go to the appointments that Ovi has at the autism center an hour away from where we live, but fortunately, Ovi's medical insurance will be giving my mother and Ovi a ride from home to the autism center, and vice versa. We can walk to the store because it is close to home, so we'll be fine without the car. I'm only worried about my mother being deported because it will destroy the family. Besides the worry, I will celebrate my birthday a little today. I already posted photos of myself with golden balloons on social media to celebrate it. I don't like celebrating my birthday, but a little celebration won't hurt. I love myself, but I feel strange receiving a lot of attention. Also, I have a quick update! My chest pain is improving, and my doctor's appointment was rescheduled to July, but I'm fine so far! Physically, I'm doing well, but mentally, I'm sinking in worry. I have to stay positive though, so I will be strong during this time.

- June 25, 2021