Dance Through Trauma

April 16, 2021

Today, my mom and I registered into Missouri's COVID-19 vaccination registration. Then, we scheduled an appointment to receive our first dose of the vaccine next week! I'm a little afraid because I've read about people dying from the vaccine, but hopefully nothing happens to me nor to my mom. At least I'm not worried that it will turn me into a zombie! I know what I said the other day may have sounded dense, but anything is still possible and I stand by that! The reason why I'm getting that vaccine is because I don't want to catch any new variant of the virus that may be more deadly than the original, so I want to be safe. I will trust the government with this one despite the way I perceive them. Trust is something very hard for me to do with anyone, including the government. After everything that I have been through from school bullying to sexual abuse, I want to make sure that I don't go through anything traumatic ever again. I don't want to trust a society full of selfish beings. No matter how much I help people, they never have gratitude unless it's beneficial. It's one of the sad truths of our world. I really hope there's something really out there that makes sure all the people who have done others wrong get their karma whether it's something religious or spiritual, but then I tell myself that revenge isn't the answer, peace is. It doesn't matter what kind of peace it is whether it's the kind of peace where you sort things out with someone in peaceful terms or if it's the kind of peace that lets you ignore with peace. Ignoring with peace is how I prefer to do things in this world because responding with revenge will get you nowhere. It's better to let it go then to waste time that can be used for something important. It won't do anything but feed the anger inside your brain. Revenge may make you feel safe, but it actually makes you more unsafe because you are heading towards the path of evil. So, choosing peace lets you focus on something important. That's what I wish my traumatized brain knew. I wouldn't have to feel not even one slight of fear in this world because of peace. It's part of how I see things through Xander, but not through Steven. My subconscious has so much to overcome, but it's still unsure whether it'll ever recover from the pain. Severe trauma is like having one side of your body burnt with permanent damaged skin. There are other traumas that fortunately do recover like my PTSD from sexual abuse hasn't appeared in many months. It was so severe the first two years after the assault took place, but it no longer haunts my brain, which is great because at least I have a few weights off of my chest. I still have hundreds of weights on my chest though, and I mean that figuratively. Imagine living with PTSD, OCD, and Bipolar Disorder Type 1? Plus, being autistic in a world that doesn't accept you. If hell exists, I rather live there eternally than to live in this world temporarily. Humans have to be worse than demons because of what we are capable of. I'm just thankful for the good there still is in our world because if there wasn't even a percent of goodness in this wicked world, humanity would die out immediately. We're already dying, but slowly, unless we leave our toxic ways. Trust me, I have so much against the human species, but I still believe that we can improve more and more, day by day, until we reach humanity's greatest goal; full peace. I don't say "eternal peace" because peace isn't forever. It will die out along with the universe when the ending takes place. Everything we know won't exist someday, but that doesn't matter. What matters is our appreciation of what we adore in this universe. Every single second of appreciation is an automatic gold star to add onto your imaginary wall of accomplishments. The present is where most of your focus should be, while the rest goes to the future because we have to set goals for what we want to achieve someday. So, if you think that way, life will be so much easier. You won't feel pressured to do things nor feel stressed. Just enjoy life as much as you can instead of suffering whenever you have the choice. Unless you have PTSD, you can't choose how you feel, but always try your very best to stay happy. We don't know if anything happens after death but don't take this life for granted. Your time being alive could be the only time you get to experience life. Instead of fearing death, fear living a miserable life. It's great advice from me to follow if your goal is to live happily with reason instead of melancholy. If my brain could adapt to this way of thinking, I wouldn't even have PTSD. Still, there's the other mental disorders that I have been diagnosed with, and chronic fatigue. My fatigue can be worse than the monsters of my head some days. It's how I'm feeling right now. Mentally well, but physically unwell. I'm in bed feeling agony. I wasn't even going to write today as my hands are too exhausted to even move. In my opinion, fatigue is the worst side effect from medication, but it shouldn't be the reason why medication can't be taken. It does help me with my OCD, but definitely not my PTSD and bipolar depression. I experience mania, but I haven't had a manic episode since December of last year. Mania feels so good when it hits because the state of euphoria that I enter feels like the best moment of my life. Mania is a natural drug, so I don't have to take drugs to get high. I'm joking! I don't care about feeling euphoria because I have no interest in emotion. But seriously, it is like a drug that you just automatically take since it happens naturally inside your brain. And well, now I'm craving for some mania because of the agony I'm currently in. But I tell myself that no matter how good it feels, it is also disabling. I'm not myself during an episode of mania. I throw things left and right, laugh too much, talk too much (to myself), move around too much, scream, and experience many more other symptoms. I rather be myself than be manic because at least I'm fully lucid without mania.

- April 16, 2021