Dance Through Trauma

March 5, 2022

I want to put SSI aside. I'm going to try another job and see if I can end up doing 40 hours a week or as many hours as possible. There is other help for disabled people like me. When I have my autism diagnosis by 2023, I can use that to apply for income-based apartments for disabled people. I don't have to worry about working 40 hours a week or I'm unable to do that. I can qualify for those apartments with my mental illness diagnoses but I want to use autism because that will give me a higher chance of receiving what I am entitled to in this country as a disabled person. If I can work and pay an affordable amount without having to work 40 hours a week, then I will have no problem going to work and living by myself. I really want a job to fit my needs. If it involves people, then I'll try that again. I don't want a job that takes orders or requires much communication. I applied at this clinic nearby and it's for a patient access representative job, which is those people at the front desk at every clinic or hospital when you walk in. If I get taught how to introduce myself to people professionally and learn how to do the job properly, then I'll stay. I need my co-workers to have patience with me and teach me with positive energy. I don't want another angry co-worker who can't be patient. I have always been a slow learner, and I'm slow with math so people need to have patience with me to do things properly. I just hope I don't get a patient that wants me to pay them their change faster or a patient that doesn't like how I talk. I'm going to try to learn to improve my social skills, and I can do that. When I speak, it doesn't feel authentic though, which is why I decide not to talk to anyone. I want to talk to people when I want to. But if it's for a job, I'll talk. When I started socializing in 2019 at school, I did decently with how I communicated, but it didn't feel authentic. I just have no interest in people. I used to love people back then but after years of being treated terribly by so many human beings, my brain has evolved not to rely on anyone else but myself. Everytime I see a person, unless they have a very friendly personality, my mind assumes that they only care about themselves, so why bother someone that doesn't care about me? I don't think that with very kind people like one of my previous co-workers named Janna. Her energy was all butterflies and laughter. Why can't the entire world be like her? It's 2022, and so many people in our world have yet to learn from our past mistakes as a species. There's plenty of war going on and innocent people die in tragic ways. I hope people in 3022 are all about peace if the dangerous people today don't destroy our planet with nuclear weapons. I have every reason not to trust people. PTSD or not, I do it to be safe. I don't like to think about it because it causes anxiety. I usually just let myself not be social without thinking why. I'm going to try to improve myself with my social skills though because I do want a job at that clinic. They pay decently and it would be nice for me. Any other job is fine too. I don't care how hard physically it is on me. As long as it isn't a job where I have to carry 100-pound objects or stay outside on the roof in the very hot sunny weather, then I'll be fine. I'm just worried that I won't be able to complete my future plans on time like what if my parents pass away, and I have nowhere else to go to finish building myself to becoming an independent adult? I'll end up homeless and die from starvation. The universe needs to give me more time.

- March 5, 2022