Dance Through Trauma

June 20, 2021

I've decided to take care of my siblings for now. I think I can handle taking care of them while my mom is at work. I'm just worried that her boyfriend might disagree with one tiny thing that he sees within how I take care of my siblings. I take care of them fine, but he can be strict. I worry because what if his paranoia leads me to death? It's strange how I'm not afraid of death, but yet I am. If it weren't for that guy, then I would be at peace when it comes to taking care of my siblings. We're moving out of this place soon, fortunately. What I'm worried about at the moment is my chest pain. I don't know if it's because of the change of dosage for one of my medications, but I've taken that certain medication with the dosage that I am taking now before, so I wonder why I would have a new reaction to it. I'm not sure if it's the medication or something else, but I feel off right now. All I can think right now is about how my family will react to my death, and what it would be like for my mother without my help. Maybe I'm overthinking, but the chest pain is definitely concerning for me. I've had it for the past two weeks now, and I started taking the new dosage of one of my medications on the very first day of June 2021. I have no idea what this chest pain could be, but it probably isn't serious. I'll talk to my doctor about this though when I get the chance to see him through a video call on my birthday. Oh yeah, my birthday is on June 25. I'll turn nineteen on that day, but I don't like celebrating my birthday. It feels strange to celebrate my own birthday, but I don't mind taking photos on that day. I'm not interested in my birthday right now because of my chest pain. Even if the chest pain is nothing serious, I still wonder what will happen with my family if I die too soon.

- June 20, 2021