Dance Through Trauma

June 30, 2021

Recently, I saw my consular, and we went over the sexual assault that I experienced a few years back. I told her almost every detail that I could remember from the incident from how it started to how it ended. Not just the sexual assault, but from the first time I saw the person. It was uncomfortable to talk about, especially as I've been trying to push that part of my life away, but it was necessary to visit to identify the hurt that the trauma had caused me. It fed more reasons to why "trust no one" belief that came from my past traumas, especially as I saw that person as a best friend. We mostly communicated through email and Instagram, but we did see each other in person. After my session with the consular, I realized that I felt that my sexual assault wasn't "bad enough" to be considered as a sexual assault, and that it was my fault for not stopping the abuser. What I went through was definitely a sexual assault because of the non-consensual inappropriate touching, groping, kissing, and sexual harassment. So, I have to stick with my positive thinking because it's a fact that what I went through was sexual abuse, and I became traumatized from it. Speaking of sexual abuse, I'm actually really afraid right now because of something related to that. It's a little off-topic, but a few hours ago around 10 PM, after my mom arrived from work, my four year old sister, Kathleen, woke up crying because she had pain in her private area. My mom gave her a shower, and my sister was still crying, so my mom and her boyfriend checked her private area and found a big wart. I'm afraid because my mother's boyfriend will think that I did something to my sister even though that never happened. He hasn't said anything about it, but his paranoia is always expected in times like this. I'm afraid because he might take my life away due to his paranoia. I know that I did nothing to my sister because it is something I am not capable of doing, but my mother's boyfriend might believe that I did, and he may end up ending my life. Death is so unexpected, so it can be scary when it's near. We haven't moved out yet because my mom thinks that we should stay because at least her boyfriend pays the rent and bills, and it would be better for my siblings to be here, and at least their father will have some sort of responsibility over them as my mom can't do it alone with four little kids. As long as he doesn't abuse her, then we'll be fine. I agree with her because it's best that we don't move out because the kids need both of their parents' support. I'm just afraid that my mom's boyfriend will end up taking my life away because of his paranoia, and it's possible that it can happen at any time because he has a violent past. Lately, I've been a little bit more social towards him, so that he doesn't think that I hate him or something since I usually never even talk to him. I don't talk to him mainly because it just doesn't come out of me naturally. No matter the anger and fear that I have towards him at times, I do not hate him. I know that he has been through tough times in life, which is why he turned out the way he is. So, I'm trying to be like a friend to him, so that we can have trust within each other. As long as he doesn't hurt my mother, nor treat me as a psychopath, and manages to control his anger, then we will be good. Even if he's angry a lot, I just want him not to hurt anyone at all. As long as we're safe, then I'll be fine. It seriously would be very stressful for my mother to live alone with my little siblings even with my help because it would mean that she would have to take full responsibility for the kids. Her boyfriend probably won't even pay child support, and he can easily leave the country or hide somewhere in the country to escape any consequences because of his immigration status. He's in the process of becoming a resident of this country because of his mother, who is an American resident. So, unless he becomes a resident, it will be harder for him to escape his consequences. For now, we'll stay here and I hope that my mother's boyfriend helps out my mother with the kids because it is his responsibility as a father to be there for three of his children. Well, technically four because of my brother Damian, who is his step-son. Damian sees him as a father figure, but if my mother's boyfriend wants nothing to do with him, then he can at least help my mother with his three biological children that he had with my mom. My mom tells me that as long as I'm here, her boyfriend won't physically hurt her because her boyfriend knows very well that I will call the police on him. My mother usually never called the police because she had nowhere else to go, especially as she has children with her boyfriend, so it's hard to leave him. Despite his abusive past, he is important for the well-being of my three younger siblings, so that my mother doesn't struggle with them. One of them has autism with very high support needs, and Damian has ADHD, so my mother needs someone else to help her with parenting, and her boyfriend has to be the one to help her because he is the father of four of her children, including Damian. I can help my mother, but I am not a parent, and it is both of their responsibilities to raise my siblings. I'll help out as a brother, but not as a parent. I always tell my mother that she will do parenting stuff for the next approximate 20 years, when all the children are finally adults who can take care of themselves. I don't know what my little autistic brother Ovi will be like in 20 years, but if he can't take care of himself, then I will take care of him for the remainder of my life or any of my other siblings can, so my mother can finally live the rest of her life stress-free. I want her to enjoy her last years with enjoyment. I'll see what happens in the future, but for now, I just hope things go well with my mother's boyfriend. The least he can do is help my mother raise and take care of my four little siblings until they are all old enough to be on their own. My brother Jamie, who is 15, is a couple of years away from adulthood, and he is receiving care from my caring father. Soon, my father will get to see Jamie go on with his life, and my father can rest for the rest of his life, even though he will always be a father to Jamie and I. I miss him sometimes, but I have to be with my mother for now to make sure that her boyfriend doesn't hurt her, and also because I don't want to be away from my little siblings. I miss Jamie and my father, but my mother and my four little siblings need my help. At least Jamie and my father have each other. The day I get to see my family live their happy endings, will be the day that my life will be complete.

- June 30, 2021