Dance Through Trauma

June 13, 2021

Ever since that night, when the police came home, I have been more afraid of living here. I like babysitting my siblings, but I now have anxiety about babysitting because of my mom's boyfriend. Could one tiny scratch on one of the hands of my siblings get my life taken away be the devil of my life? I don't know what's going on with my mom's boyfriend but he definitely has a mental disorder or neurological disorder. He might have Paranoid Personality Disorder or Paranoid Schizophrenia. I'm not a doctor, but he probably has something in his head that causes his extreme paranoia. Either way, it's dangerous to live in this house. My mother plans to move out of the house once she gathers more money from her new job. However, my mom believes that staying in this town won't be safe because the father of her youngest three children will stalk us because he has been doing that ever since my mom got her new job. He follows whoever dropped my mom off at home to see if it's a man that my mom is cheating with even though my mom isn't doing any of that. Plus, they aren't really in love, so why is he insecure about their so-called relationship? I don't know, but his behavior needs to be seen by a doctor. I don't want to call my mother's boyfriend her boyfriend anymore, so I will call him her ex-boyfriend. Their relationship is a huge mess because of her ex-boyfriend. They aren't even in love anymore, so I don't know why my mom's ex-boyfriend thinks that he still owns her like he did when they were actually in love. To begin with, no one owns my mom. The only owner of my mom is herself, not someone else. I dislike people who think they can control their partner only because of their love. Controlling your partner isn't love; that's just being abusive. People like this make me keep my desire to stay single, and I don't need to be in a relationship, but it's scary to think about one knowing that there are people out there who want to control their lover. Talking about relationships even makes me cringe, but it's whatever. Anyway, my mom plans to move to North Carolina to be with some of our family members like my cousin and her children, my uncle and his children, and my other cousin. She needs to talk to my cousin, Sandra, who has children, about moving into their home for a while. If we can't go to North Carolina, then we'll move back to Georgia. I'd rather go to North Carolina though because I've never lived there, and I'd like to live in a new state. I've already been to central Georgia, so I want to see places in North Carolina that I have never seen. What really matters though is that my family has a home to stay. Also, I want to start having a job and get my own apartment to live independently if possible, but if not, then I'll just get a job and help pay the rent and bills of the apartment or house that I will share with my mom when we have that someday. I like this Missourian town, but it's just not safe. A restraining order isn't going to stop my mom's ex-boyfriend from stalking us or from doing the worst thing a human being can do to someone. I'll just wait and see what happens though, but for now, I have to live in fear. Yesterday, my mom's ex boyfriend took her to her workplace, and he was going to return to take care of the kids at home, but he took about an hour to come back. It made me worried because I thought my mom's ex-boyfriend might have taken my mom to a place and taken away her life. I felt so worried for her safety, but her boyfriend came back home, and my mom contacted me on Facebook. I saw her later that night once she got back from work, which was a relief. I was thinking about my siblings, and who would take care of them. I would love to do that if my mother ever died, but I'm just not mentally prepared to take care of anyone for years. I can babysit, but I can't be like a mother or father. That's a hard job, and I have no desire to ever be a parent. It would be so hard on me mentally, so I was wondering where the kids would go. My anxiety just keeps reaching new peaks, and I think this time of my life will leave me traumatized. I don't want something else that traumatizes me, but it might happen, and I can't prevent that. I just want to get out of this place with my family safely, and live happy lives. I really believe that my mother's ex-boyfriend is capable of murder. I'll just try my best to stay positive, and hope that the unimaginable never happens.

- June 13, 2021