Dance Through Trauma

May 17, 2021

Like I've said before, I want to live in peace. However, I can't stop thinking about what my grave will look like. I am having suicidal thoughts once again, and I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to stay alive anymore, but then I won't be able to do more great things in life. It's so confusing, but if my positive thoughts weren't there, I would be dead by now. If I ever die, I do want to be remembered. How will I like to be remembered? As someone passionate for not only writing and photography, but also music. I want to be someone that people can remember as someone who tried his best to enjoy life despite the cruelty around him. I want people to look at me and see that no one should ever go through something like I did during my life, and actually do something to decrease the hate in our world. I want to raise acceptance for not only people with autism, but for every single person out there with differences that aren't normalized. If you can't accept, at least respect. Hate has run our world for so long, and that needs to change, immediately. Otherwise, death will always run our world. By the way, I now have a counselor. I met her a few days ago, and she was very kind! I told her everything about myself, and my past battles with mental illness. I feared that she wouldn't believe me, though. I didn't lie about anything, but since I said literally everything about my life in a short summary, she probably thought I lied because I may have seemed like I was exaggerating, even though I wasn't. Just looking back at our session, I did throw so much at her in just 50 minutes, and I did make some mistakes in how I talked because I didn't know how to communicate my life story to her in the way that society deems as "appropriate." I assume she was neurotypical, so how I communicated may have seemed off, but I did inform her that I am pretty sure that I am autistic, but I don't have a diagnosis for it yet. Honestly, why do we need a diagnosis for autism when it isn't even a disease? I don't have to see a doctor to "confirm" that I am gay. I know how I feel, and how I've experienced life. I don't need a diagnosis for being gay, so I don't need one either for being autistic. I've done enough research to confirm it to myself that I have autism. Doctors don't use an X-Ray or something that will tell you that you have autism. Anyways, going back to what I was saying about my new counselor, I must say that she is easy to talk to. She's very kind, so I like her personality. I just fear that she will misunderstand me because of my autism, and since I'm not diagnosed by a doctor, she might think that a self-diagnosis isn't valid, so she might think that I'm either trying to lie, be rude, or something else. Again, she's very kind, so I don't think I have to worry about what she thinks of me negatively. After all, she is a counselor. They're there to help people, not to judge them. I see her again tomorrow, so I will talk to her about my suicidal thoughts from today. The reason why I'm having these thoughts today is because I don't feel happy with my life. Like my counselor said, I don't see purpose in my life, and that is true. I don't believe there's a purpose in life like that "There's a reason you're here." thing that people say, but having something that makes you enjoy your life like having a career or something else makes life feel full. You have something to do in life with a purpose. I have nothing to do as of now, and yeah, I have writing, photography, my family, and music, but the thing is that I don't see myself going anywhere in life. I would love to have a successful writing career, and a music career. I really like to sing, but I don't share videos of myself singing on social media because of my teeth. They're not perfect at all, and it's obvious that I need braces. Plus, I feel uncomfortable showing my mouth moving because I feel like it'll make me look ugly. It's not that I care about being attractive to people; it's that I worry about the criticism that I will receive for my looks. So, my life right now is pretty dry. Not only that, but I also don't like living in the same house as a criminal. I could go back to my father's place, but I don't want to leave my mother and siblings behind with a criminal. It's not safe for them, but with my presence, at least I can call the police or defend them, if it becomes necessary, because my mother has trouble with that and Damian is too scared of going against his stepfather. I wasn't living with them before January 29, 2021, but I am now. If I leave, I will not only feel guilty, but also feel more scared for the life of my mother. I would never forgive myself if my mother ends up dead due to the evil man of our lives. My mom tells me not to worry about him, but how can I not worry about him when he is a criminal? I don't want him to take away my mother's life out of anger. She can't go away from this planet yet because my little siblings need her more than anything else. They will suffer without our mother in our lives. My mom also deserves to die peacefully from being old. She doesn't deserve a tragic ending to her life. She's nearly 40, and still has much more years left to live. All of this worries me so much, and I have the choice to choose not to worry about my mother, but how can I do that? I am very close with her, so it would be impossible. That's why I sometimes rather leave this world because at least in death, I won't have to worry about anything at all. My family would continue to suffer in this world, but there's literally not much that I can do to help them. My mother can't report her boyfriend to the police because she financially depends on him, and because she doesn't feel comfortable leaving my little siblings with babysitters especially because my two little sisters are more vulnerable to sexual predators out there. My mother herself has been raped by her boyfriend, and also remembers how a man sexually harassed her when she was only four and a half years old in 1986. The man was the boyfriend of my maternal grandmother at the time, but of course, my maternal grandmother left that man once she found out about it from my mother's sisters. My maternal grandmother, Roberta, is still alive as of today, and she is my only grandparent that remains alive because the rest of my grandparents died due to cancer. I've never met any of them in person because they all lived in Mexico, and I'm too afraid to go to another country. I wish I had the chance to see my paternal grandmother, but she unfortunately passed away on Valentine's Day of 2021. I did talk to her many times on the phone, though. Ever since I was a little boy, my father always wanted me to talk to my grandmother. I still remember our second last phone call, which was so inspirational. She wanted me to live a better life since she knew about my mental illness problems. Our last phone call was short because she couldn't talk as much as she used to anymore. The last phone call took place in December 2020 while the second last phone call took place in November 2020. It's sad knowing that I won't talk to her on the phone ever again, but I will always have her beautiful words in my memory until the day I die. I'm already spiritually dead, but I'm not physically dead yet. No therapy, counseling, or medication will help my pain. After many years with the war between me and the rotten part of my brain, I am losing so much hope. I also fear that I will become homeless in the future once I am unable to depend on my parents to survive. Even if I receive social security benefits, the money might not be enough to pay rent or to buy a house. I can stay in Missouri and wait for my benefits to buy a house, but it's getting hard everyday living in this house because of my mother's boyfriend. If I move back with my father, I can live with him for a few more years until he can move to Missouri and then, we can all live in southern Missouri since it is much cheaper to rent or buy a house here than in central Georgia. Oh there goes my anxiety now! I'm so scared because I don't want to go homeless, or else I will die. It's funny that I say that since at the same time, I want to die. I still have a tiny hope that my life will get better, but even if I decide to stay alive, and if I end up homeless, what will I do? How can I stay safe, warm, shower, and use the bathroom? I can live outside, but the weather can get bad at times. Plus, there's no bathroom! What's worse is that there are evil people out there, and I don't want to end up being kidnapped or raped. I really wish the government made it easier for disabled people to have a house or apartment. It's not fair that there are so many disabled people out there who are homeless because even with food stamps, Medicaid, and social security income, there isn't enough money to rent or buy a place depending on where you live. I also need transportation, and having a car would be too much money to spend on because I would have to pay for gas, insurance, and other things that a car needs. I can just walk or ride a bike, but still, I might end up homeless in the future! Wow, I just remembered that I made a promise to myself to stay alive, and I'm trying my best to keep that promise, but it is seriously so hard to do so. I have so many thoughts on my mind right now, and I don't know what to do anymore. Why can't I just live in a house and get all the help I need while I receive treatment? Why does life have to be hard? I'll see what happens in the future, but I just really hope that I am fully content someday.

- May 17, 2021