Dance Through Trauma

March 15, 2022

I still don't have a job. The position that I could've had at the dog-food factory was taken by someone else. I'm waiting to hear from Walmart, but I will be going back to work at this outside-theater around March 18. I won't be paid much; 5 an hour. I will work there while I wait to hear from Walmart. I want to work as an overnight stocker from 10PM to 7AM. That job would be very great for me. It'll be 3 days a week for now. I can't earn too much money or else my family won't be eligible for food stamps, and we need that for now. I don't plan on working at Walmart, and I'm still trying to figure out if a full-time job would be good for me or not. If I work part-time for the rest of my life, I can receive benefits from food stamps, Medicaid or any other good health insurance, and dental insurance from a job. I'm planning on helping out my mother or father financially. If my mother has help, then I'll help out my dad. I don't mind living with any of them. I can live alone, but I want to help my family out financially instead. It'll also help me and I'll be alright if I ever have another mental health crisis in the future. For the next couple of years, me and my parents will help eachother out until my brother Jamie is old enough to work full-time. Then, when my siblings grow up, they can help me out financially. As long as I have my own room where I can have my own personal space, I don't mind living with my family. Many Mexican families do this, so it would be normal for us. I don't plan on having children, but I do want something to happen in my love life. I don't believe that someone will be with me for the rest of my life because guys always leave me, and the one I loved this year, Brandon, has a new boyfriend. I'm still his friend though and I have hope in us. If he doesn't like me someday in the future then I'll accept it. The things that come to mind are that I will be too shy to bring a man home or something. What if we have sex in my room, and we make noises that can be heard from my family in the house or apartment? I don't want to be embarrassed. It doesn't matter anyway, I just worry about things that aren't even important. I can have sex in my room if I want, or get a motel room to do that. I can make out with a man in my room too. Just as long as my family doesn't interfere with my love life, then I'll be good. I'll have boyfriends, but I'm not going to expect them to be with me for the rest of my life. I do want to experience love in person however. I might end up having ten ex-boyfriends, but the moments we will have will be worth it (if that happens). I think I'll stick with living with my family members like my mom, dad, or one of my siblings as time goes by. I'm the oldest, so I shouldn't worry about dying before everyone else. I have 5 siblings, and 2 parents. The chances of losing them all during my lifetime are low. Jesiah is only 2 years old while I'm 19. When I'm 100, she will be 83. Plus in my retirement age, I can just apply for social security so I'm safe with everything. If I end up alone without them, then I will die if I can't do it alone financially, and I'm not afraid of dying, so it's a win on either side. I think I will stick with my family for the rest of my life instead of living alone. I don't plan on having kids anyway, and I don't think I'll have a husband. Plus, I want to help out my family financially until their retirement age, and are eligible for social security help. I also plan on helping out with my 3 year old brother who has level 3 autism that requires extreme substantial support. He won't be able to live on his own in the future and will need help with certain things. I don't mind helping him out once my mother can no longer be a mom due to old age or any other reason. I can do all of this, and there's nothing with it, but a small part of me thinks that I need to live by myself. However, my parents and siblings need my help. So I'll stick with my new plan. Part-time job, food-stamp dependent, health & dental insurance, and a family helper. Having a car needs to be on that list too, but I'm just unmotivated to even try studying for a driver's license. I just want to learn how to drive around and that's it. I have to do it anyway, so I'll see how I can push myself to get a driver's license and a car. My mom plans on moving out of Missouri around May or June 2022 back to Atlanta, Georgia. It's time for us to leave the devil of our lives, and finally live in peace. We will ruin that man legally for everything he's done to us. His brother uses my siblings as pawns for money from the IRS and lies about them being dependent on him. My mom is going to start on her taxes once we're in Atlanta, and that family will have to pay everything they stole from the government and my family, and will probably go to jail for it. We will do everything in our power to destroy that man and get him deported back to his country for hurting us. A criminal that destroyed his family shouldn't have the right to live in peace. Karma is coming and it won't be good for him. Time will tell. Patience will be my friend for now.

- March 15, 2022