Dance Through Trauma

April 1, 2021

About 30 minutes ago from now (10:55 PM), I told my mom that I didn't care if I died from being too cold in my room since I no longer have a heater. She wanted me to leave the door of my room open, so the warm air from the living room could enter my room since that's where the heater of the entire house is. The design of the house is from a long time ago, which is why the house has a different kind of heater with no ventilation. So, if I leave the door of my room open, I can sleep warm at night, but I told my mom that I didn't care about it because it didn't matter whether I was going to die from the cold or not since it gets really cold at night with the door closed and no heater, even though I probably wouldn't die from being too cold. I just said it because I was tired of living in this house. I don't want to live in the same place with a criminal (my mom's boyfriend) because I feel unsafe and it only makes my PTSD worse, causing a large amount of distress. I would be fine living with just my mom and siblings in the same house. I trust them and feel safe around them. It makes me sad that my mom had to go through so much domestic violence with her current boyfriend and past ex-boyfriends. She had an ex-boyfriend who even pointed a gun to her head! I'm not sure if she's traumatized from all of that, but she probably is. And then, there's my siblings. I feel bad that they were born on a planet full of suffering, especially for Ovi and Damian because they're both neurodivergents like me, so we can be misunderstood by the neurotypical society. Just look at how much bullying I had to take during my life because the kids at school lacked knowledge of my neurodivergence. I hope Damian and Ovi never develop PTSD like me because others don't understand us. I'm getting emotional again, which I don't like because it just causes pain. That's one of the reasons why I like to be Xander; he's emotionless. I will never be able to get along with anyone in my life unless we're very close because of my trauma. I'm naturally a positive person, so I communicate with kindness. However, I can't trust anyone nor can I feel safe other than with family because I always fear that whoever I'm with may have harmful intentions. Can you blame me though? This world is full of people who hurt others, I mean even our own friends can hurt us! I know friendships can have their downs from time to time, but I don't like anything negative because it scares me. It makes me want to die, so that I won't have to deal with anyone anymore. And what makes me even more fearful is that since I'm autistic, my actions may seem off to any neurotypical person around me, so if that person I happen to be around gets offended by something I do, they will speak to me negatively, which would scare me. This is one of the reasons why I decided to barely communicate with my friends online because I know humans in general can make mistakes like hurting their friends, but I want a friendship where the friend will understand me and respect me. I can be a very kind friend, so I wouldn't just pick at any friend of mine because it just isn't in my nature. I would feel safe if I could have friends like this, which I do, but since they're human, something could happen to me. What if they get mad at me someday from a text that wasn't intended to offend them? I can't deal with that anymore. I never intend to make others mad, I only say what's on my mind and communicate my thoughts with kindness. My mom and siblings are the kind of humans I want to be friends with because well, my siblings are little, so they aren't as flawful as people older than them. They're all just kids, so I feel safe with them, well, except with my brother Jamie, who's about to turn 15 on April 4. He's very introverted and gets easily irritated when someone talks to him, especially after like 5 minutes, because that's what always happened between us when I was still living with him and with my father in Georgia. His personality, well from what I see, is very schizoid. I don't even know Jamie anymore because we aren't as close as we were when we were much younger. It's unfortunate as Steven, but it is what it is. I feel comfortable with my four younger siblings though since they're little. My mom is very kind and tries her best to understand me. She's also very emotional, which is definitely where my emotional sensitivity came from because my father is the exact opposite of my mother and I. So, with her emotional side, it helps her be empathetic and as much as I try to push it away, I'm also empathetic, naturally. (All of this is associated with Steven by the way, not Xander). But at the end of the day, I don't need validation from anyone except myself, so the whole world could hate me, even my own family, and I would still be content because I have me. Self-love is really what I need to survive in this cruel world. I probably would have never developed depression in 2015 when I could no longer stand all the bullying that I had to bear if I had self-love. Every one of my friends didn't either care about me or didn't give enough attention to me. I always needed their validation, so that I could feel happy. I wish I never had to depend on other people emotionally but the past is the past. I'm just glad that I have enough self-love because without this, I would be suffering way more than I already am at this very moment.

- April 1, 2021