Dance Through Trauma

March 29, 2021

Midnight: I would like to live on my own in the future, but if I'm unable to work, then how will I be able to support myself financially? I have a huge feeling that the SSA will deny my application, so what if other programs do the same? Even if a program that helps disabled people financially can help me, I don't want to live with anyone at any shelter. I want to live alone; at least have my own room. It's not good for me to be around people because it triggers my PTSD and I rather be alone to be clear of the illness. So, I'm not sure what will happen if I can't work in the future. Will I end up homeless and die due to no money? No money means that I will be unable to survive in this world. My mom could help me for a while, but she can't help me forever. One day, she will die or be unable to support me financially, so what will I do? Maybe it will be the end of my life, but if that is so, then it is what it is. I've been stressing over this since 2020, but I always tell myself not to worry because it will only damage the brain and overall physical body. Plus, as Xander, the universe isn't seen as what Steven sees, which is similar to what the average human sees. I will never be able to fully express myself through the physical body, but it is not a goal of mine. I'm alive right now and my only interest in living is to see. I like to observe my surroundings and learn what is out there in this universe, even though most of what I see is from Earth. I'm not sure what death will be like as I've never experienced it, but it may be an experience full of content. I mean, you're nothing in death; you're just gone. Well, actually, the parts of your consciousness will just be tiny dust-like particles floating into the unknown side of this universe until the end. And yeah, death is just an experience from my eyes. My subconscious, Steven, worries so much about being harmed by someone because he doesn't want to die, but it's all just part of his trauma. I'm a very super-vigilant person. I sometimes think the food I'm given may have poison in it, even if it's from my parents, because I don't want to be hurt. They would never do such a thing, but that's how far the traumatized brain can go. It makes you lose trust in those you trust most. These anxious thoughts are not what I really think because my true thoughts are what comes from the consciousness, not subconscious. Oh, how different my brain would be without this PTSD. Everything would be much easier for me if I were to live somewhere with no human beings nearby except my family because everyone is a trigger for this illness, even strangers. Every time I see a person, my brain starts to feel anxiety and thinks, "What if they verbally or physically attack me? I will be hurt again, just like how I was hurt when I was just an innocent little kid." Yeah, my brain judges people we never met. Every time I come across people's social media profiles, my brain always starts imagining them as a "selfish" person and what they look like towards me during an attack online. Every time I come across people in person, I feel like they will hurt me physically. Even though most of the bullying during my childhood was emotional, there were some physical attacks like the one time a group of teenagers attacked me at a park when I was around five years old. I don't remember why; I just remember being on the ground with a group of teenagers around me telling me things that I don't recall. This wasn't in school; this was at a park in the apartments I lived in at the time. So, I experienced bullying outside of school as well, and online, but the online bullying occurred during my teenage years, not childhood. For years, I've wanted to commit suicide because of all this hate I received from so many people. I thought that something wrong was up with me because people always turned away from me. I felt like I meant nothing to anyone because I kept losing friends. They always walked away out of my life like I was nothing, which was the worst feeling to me back then. But, now that I know that I am in fact autistic, it makes sense to why so many of these people bullied me, especially as they were all definitely neurotypicals, I assume. Maybe one of them was a neurodivergent, who knows, but most of them were for sure neurotypical, so they didn't understand my differences as an autistic person. The way I communicated, especially when I was little, came off so inappropriately (in neurotypical terms). The different body movements, the stimming, the different behavior, the sensitivity, and etc. I was so full of joy as a kid, but no one ever liked me because of how "annoying" I was. Plus, the stuff I talked about all the time in middle school like UFOs and aliens made my "friends" cringe. Anyway, it's just that people like this (the ones that judge others) do not understand others, so they judge and express their lack of understanding through emotions like fear or anger; it's basic psychology. There are so many different ways of thinking in the human species, but we all have to accept each other, respect each other, and suppress our human flaws to find eternal peace as a society, if that's our goal, from an emotional perspective. Also, just to clarify, I like to speak from an emotional perspective when I'm writing or speaking to someone because almost every human being sees the world from an emotional perspective, so it's a form of communication that I can use to help people better understand my words.

Night: I was wondering about what therapeutic treatment I could receive for PTSD, but I know one of the types of therapy that therapists use for the illness is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which I've already tried out before. But, there's another type of therapy called EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that I don't know much about yet, so I will look into that. But, I could try that with a therapist someday and see if that helps. For now though, I will just take my medication. The new clinic that I go to pays for every appointment, so I could see a therapist without paying for it as I have no medical insurance. The reason why I didn't request to see a therapist at the new clinic is because I don't want to stop seeing my therapist abruptly once the clinic is no longer able to pay for any future appointments. I will have to pay for my doctor's appointment anyway and for my medication (well, basically, a family member would pay for this, if I'm still unable to work by then). So, paying for therapy would mean more money has to be paid and medication is more important than therapy in my situation, so that is why I would remove therapy rather than medication from the list. I also have a feeling that trying out this new type of therapist (EMDR) may not work on me as my PTSD is extremely severe to the point that not even treatment can help. At least I know some coping skills and other ways to calm my brain down from this exhausting illness. If I was never bullied in school for my autistic traits, then today, I would be much healthier. Psychology and Neurology should really be an important subject in our school systems to educate our students more about ourselves. There needs to be lessons on mental illnesses and neurological differences like autism and ADHD, so people can be more accepting of others. I was born too early to attend schools that teach these important topics, but it is what it is. Sometimes, when I'm mad because of something related to my trauma, I start hating on the world and see humanity as the most evil thing ever, but once again, that is not how I truly see things, consciously.

- March 29, 2021