Dance Through Trauma

November 5, 2021

Remember when I said that Damian's condition isn't an illness. Well, I've kinda changed my mind. His ADHD is seriously complicated. His burst of energy and hyperactivity is acceptable to me, but his bad behavior is not. He makes life very hard for my mom, and despite the kindness that she gives him, Damian sometimes decides to respond terribly. I always tell him that he should not be talking to his own mother the way he does, but he just doesn't understand. He's eight, so hopefully he respects our mother by the time he is around 15 years old. I don't think his difficult behavior can be excused for ADHD anymore. It explains why he acts the way he acts, but his behavior is just too far unacceptable. I still love him like a brother, but he can seriously be hard to handle. He's actually the reason why I don't want to babysit him and the three others because he doesn't behave well enough. Kathleen's behavior has gotten out of hand as well, and it just shows my mom that she has no chance of moving out with a rough child like Damian, and now Kathleen is kind of turning into Damian. It adds more onto why I'm tired of children. I've dealt with children ever since my brother Jamie was born. It's been a long time, and I want to take a permanent break away from children. I'll visit my siblings and communicate with them when they're young, but I'm seriously tired of handling them. I don't want to babysit anymore, but I'm doing it for a little bit more because I need to pay off my hospital bill. I'm going to go work in January 2022, and I can't go as soon as I will go on vacation in December to Georgia to see Jamie, my dad, and my turtles. So, my mom has to work for this month, but I don't think I can handle this much longer. Taking care of children is super exhausting, especially four. I'm definitely never having any kids in my life. I really hope my future partner (if that ever happens) doesn't want kids either because I'm sorry, but I'm done with kids. I've been like a parent to my siblings for many years. From Jamie to Damian to my three little siblings, Kathleen, Ovi, and Jesiah. I want a long break from being an older brother as well. I want to be good friends with my siblings when they're teenagers and adults as well. I can't play with them much anymore because I'm seriously so tired of kids. I don't want to deal with them anymore. I feel selfish for not trying to help my mom with my siblings, but I just can't do it anymore! My mom will be stuck with her boyfriend (I guess they're back together as a couple) until the kids are adults. There's no escape for her, and it's very sad, but it is what it is. I want to get my own place and live by myself, but my mom wants to live with me once I get my own place, and I don't want to live with any kids anymore. I just want to be alone and have my own peace. I'm so exhausted from babysitting after months of doing it. I don't even want to help my mom with anything related to the kids anymore because to be fair, I've helped her for years with Jamie and Damian in the past like a mini-father. I don't want to be any type of parent ever. My mom collects her next check this upcoming week and it will be 1000$ from this thing that she entered a little over two months ago. Once she receives that, I will inform her to get out of work because I can not take this anymore. I feel bad for saying any of this, but children are super exhausting. I can't wait to live by myself. I don't think I even want a boyfriend anymore. I want to be alone and never have to deal with people. I don't like spending time with my siblings anymore because of babysitting. I don't want to continue babysitting and end up hating my own siblings. I want to love them, and spend time with them whenever I want to without being an extra mini-parent to my mother. I am done being the older sibling because I'm literally a parent to my own siblings. I just want to be alone, and not be bothered.

- November 5, 2021