Dance Through Trauma

April 13, 2021

I can't stand living in this house anymore. I don't feel scared of my mom's boyfriend. I just don't care about him anymore because he clearly has something wrong with his head. The scratch on one of my sister's arms, that he thought was done by me, was a very small scratch. Seriously, it was just a red dot on her arm. He started an argument with my mom over this, which clearly shows that the way he thinks just isn't healthy. He definitely needs professional mental health assistance for his issues, if he wants to improve. He used to accuse my mom of "cheating" only because she had a few male friends added on Facebook. She can't even have male friends without him thinking that's something going on. It's so ironic as he's clearly cheating on my mom after so many clues that she has told me about. Just a few days ago, Damian saw my mom's boyfriend in the car with a woman. Damian was on his bike a little far away from the house alone, which he wasn't supposed to go that far from the house, but Damian is very disobedient as he has ODD. So, he saw my mom's boyfriend there with a woman, and drove to the house on his bike as quickly as he could to tell my mom about what he saw. Ten minutes later, my mom's boyfriend arrives home and tells her that he saw Damian far from the house, and that he wasn't supposed to be there. My mom didn't tell him anything about what Damian saw, but he's definitely cheating. It's none of my matter though, but I wonder why he accuses my mom of doing things that he does? What's the science behind that? Anyways, I don't want to be in the same house as him because now he keeps watching me to make sure that I won't hurt my baby sister. He literally thinks that I will cause extreme harm to my own sister when that is not true. It's not even in my nature to do such a thing, but he's a very paranoiac person, so it makes sense, but his paranoia scares me because I feel that he will someday end up hurting me physically because of his mentality. I just wish my mom had the money from her brother already, so that we can move to another place. I've been considering going back to my dad's apartment because despite his anger, at least he's my dad, so it's very unlikely that he will hurt me physically. I don't like his attitude towards me, but it's a better choice than to live in the same house as a criminal, and when I say "criminal," I'm not insulting. He's a criminal for what he has done to my mom with his domestic violence, which is a fact. I'm so exhausted with this situation, I just wish I could live alone, but I have to work to earn money, which is obviously needed for me to live alone. Or else, I will become depressed from not having money, which is what my new doctor told me today in our video-call meeting. He stated that if my PTSD hasn't improved, nor my suicidal thoughts, then clearly, the medication isn't working. I informed him that my previous doctor told me to continue the same medication, even though my mental health hasn't improved that much, but I also need therapy. I will try to find a therapist that specializes in PTSD, and some new medication, but I'm not sure about the medication part as new medication can have uncomfortable side effects. So, I might stick with the medication I'm on now, but I do need therapy for my PTSD. Once it's better, then I will be able to work, hopefully. I think my PTSD will be life-long, but I just hope it's at a level, in which it'll allow me to work, so I can live alone! I'm still going to try to work though because I want to live alone. I need to do some research about how to overcome the fear of work and to prepare for a job. I would like to work at night time, with only a few people around me. The night makes me feel calm, and the less people there are around me, the better I am mentally. My mom told me about this place that offers jobs at night, but I have to overcome my fear of working and be prepared for it. I just hope that at work they don't discriminate against me, and I better be capable of working, or else I will get fired. I will force myself even if I'm feeling overwhelmed because if I quit the job, who will support me financially? No one! I want no one's help anymore, and I'm tired of living with human beings. First, my father has a very negative mentality, and then, my mother lives with an abusive person. Even if she lived alone, I rather live alone because being independent is better than being dependent on others. I don't want to be a leech anymore! I want to be by myself at a beautiful house. But first, I will rent an apartment. Then, I will think about buying my own house in a few years or so. It all depends on what my future self decides, but I have to work someday because the government won't. Why be dependent on the government anyway? I just want to be alone. Life would be so much better, and it's the only way for me to live happily because when there are no humans around, I am stressed-free. Let's just hope I can get a job soon, and my PTSD doesn't get in the way. Another problem is that if there is discrimination at work, then that can get me fired because as an autistic person, the people at the workplace may think I'm too "weird" or "dumb" when in fact, I'm just different. I have trouble processing the words people say, so hopefully they can understand my auditory processing issues, or else I'm doomed. The job must be at night with less people at the workplace in order for me to function at all. I'm emotionally sensitive to sunlight, so I have to work at night. I just really hope I can go work because I want my own money, so I can get an apartment and live alone. I want to be able to pay my own phone service and YouTube premium, which I use for music, so my dad no longer has to support me financially. I will also need my own car though, especially as Missouri experiences tornadoes, so I need a car to leave my apartment and find a safer place, if the tornado isn't nearby, of course. Plus, I need a car to buy my groceries. However, I'm still unsure about getting a car because I feel that I will spend more money on car insurance and gas. What if my car breaks down? More money would leave my pockets! The grocery stores are nearby, and there's a Walmart for me to buy clothes. I never liked wearing expensive clothes like many people in our society do. I like simple clothes that only have one color on them. The shirts must be long-sleeved as I feel uncomfortable exposing that much of my skin because I don't want someone to touch my arms as I'm sensitive to touch. My pants also must be pants made out of cotton or any type of pants that has a soft, comforting feeling. Otherwise, I will be too uncomfortable in the pants, especially with shorts as again, I would be exposing more skin if I have no pants on. Plus, with simple clothing, I save more money! I just really hope I can work soon. I want my life to get better, not worse! Oh wait, now my anxiety is telling me something. Even if I can work, what if I can't afford to rent a house or apartment? What if I don't have enough money? What if I lose my job? What if I can't even find a new home in this town? What do I do? I have so many anxious questions! Oh now I'm stressing over this. I don't know when to start working. I can't even do anything right now with my mental health problems and chronic fatigue. I need to be treated first, so my health can improve, and then I can work somewhere that must have a night shift with less people, so I can make money for myself and be independent! I'm just so tired of having to live with people that affect my mental health, but how long do I have to wait? I'm not sure what to do, but I am going to start to think about my future these next few days and see what's my plan for the future. But, I do have to wait for a while first to improve my health. If I were to get a job tomorrow, it would be too fast. I need to take things slowly. I'm just worried that if I don't have my parents to depend on for a while until I'm able to support myself, then how would I support myself without their help? All of this is so stressful that it makes me think about death, which I do not want to think about. I just want to live a healthy, happy life, not a depressing one!

- April 13, 2021