Dance Through Trauma

July 13, 2021

I'm planning on slowly going off of one of my medications this August, which is my gabapentin. I take 600 milligrams per day, and I have been on it since Spring 2020, so it had over a year to do good in my brain. I will continue taking my fluoxetine normally until this November or December, which will be when I will start to go off the medication slowly to avoid side effects. Since I have had multiple depressive episodes in the past, it is recommended by doctors to stay on an antidepressant for two years to receive the best out of the medication. Research shows that after two years, there really isn't a point in continuing an antidepressant as it has done enough of what it's supposed to do in the brain unless you only function with medication. I want to be off of medication by next year, and I hope I do well without them, so I won't ever have to worry about paying a doctor's appointment and buying medication. It's not expensive, but a doctor's appointment can be. Luckily, the clinic that I go to has funds to pay for my appointments. But, it won't last forever. I also don't want to become totally dependent on medication because I've read that long-term use of medication can be harmful, unless you seriously need it. The main reason why I don't want to do medication anymore is because I want to feel more motivated in my daily life. Due to medication, I have chronic fatigue. I have so much mental exhaustion, so it's not just physical exhaustion. I want to do things to help out the family, and I make myself do it most of the time because I have motivation in my consciousness. However, I have so much exhaustion throughout the rest of my brain and body. I hope that I feel much happier without medication since I will be able to do much more than what I can do now with medication. I've gone through a lot of my trauma in therapy, and my PTSD has started to improve, which I am so proud of. I've gone over it not only in therapy, but also in my room when I have the time to be alone. Positive thinking can be so helpful because it lets me see that there are good people out there who are nothing like the bullies of my past. Humanity has good and bad people, and it's just how it is. I used to never accept the bad in our world, but accepting it helps me heal, so that is what I've been doing lately. Everyone in the world has their flaws, so no one is going to be the perfect, happy person. Flaws are part of what makes us humans. I have my own flaws too, and that is okay. I understand that there is science behind the reason why people can be so mean to kind people. There are psychological and neurological reasons that explain unpleasant behavior in people. So, I will always be nice to everyone as much as possible, and if someone ever turns out to be mean towards me, I will accept that they are mean and tell myself that they are the way they are because of a reason hidden in their head that I can not see. I would tell myself that I am not the problem, and if I ever am the problem, then I will admit my mistake, apologize for it, and make up for it to whoever I hurt. This way of thinking gives me a much more mature way of seeing things in the human world. Yeah, I'm still a little hurt from my past, but it will improve as much as it can. Even if I still end up having PTSD for more years, what matters to me is that my PTSD carries out mild symptoms, and not severe or moderate symptoms. It all depends on how my brain evolves in the future. I'm pretty sure that I will recover from this pain. By next year, when I am out of therapy and off medication, I should be doing well. Then, I can function better in life and get a job, and start being responsible for myself! I will be so happy when that time comes because it is my biggest dream. For now, I will work on my mental health problems and dream about the best that will come afterwards.

- July 13, 2021