Dance Through Trauma

March 26, 2021

I have so much on my mind right now. There's my obsession with Selena Quintanilla, an American singer of Mexican descent that unfortunately died on March 31, 1995. Something about her talent and how her life ended so quickly sparks a huge interest in me. I can't stop listening to her music, especially her song 'Dreaming Of You' from 1995. There's also me wondering whether I'll get to live to the year 2100. It would be cool if I get to live that long because I would like to see the progress of human society by then as it would be interesting. And well, there's that 21! If I were to ever die in the year 2121, that would be coincidental because 21 is my favorite number. But, I doubt I'll live that long. I think the longest I could possibly live is 105 years, so maybe I'll die in 2107, I don't know! But, it's fun to imagine what the human world will be like by then! I might get to live longer than expected because medicine and technology will be well improved by then, but I will have to wait to see. Life expectancy doesn't really matter to me though. Death scares me subconsciously, but consciously, it does not. Death is just an experience like life that I have yet to experience. It may be the end of my existence, but the thought does not scare me. After all, the universe will come to an end in the far future, according to what scientists believe as of today. So, everything has an ending unless death isn't actually the end. Speaking of death, I have been feeling a strange-strong feeling since January 2021 about dying. I have felt for a while now that my death date is near, but I don't know if it's bipolar depression, paranoia, or even my obsession with death because back between 2013 and 2016, I always thought that I would end up dying. Those thoughts lasted hours and hours, and well, now that I'm looking at it, I think it's all actually just an obsession with death because it all started after my obsession with Anne Frank's story came back to my life earlier this year, after being away for some time. By the way, Anne Frank is my most favorite writer and if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be the writer I am today. Her talent and story has always been a huge obsession of mine since 2013. I sometimes imagined myself as her for a couple of minutes and felt important. I always have done this so, yeah, I'm pretty sure this obsession with death all comes from my obsession with Anne Frank since her life came to an end too soon, but left her work of art for the world to see. I think it has something to do with how talented she was, but death took her too soon. Not only do I have this type of obsession with just Anne Frank, but also, with Selena Quintanilla. I've never been this obsessed with Selena before, but I have heard of her and her song 'Como La Flor' in the past years. And well, actually, I think it's both my obsession with the deaths of talented people and my bipolar depression because I've been depressed for a couple of months now and I've read online about other people who struggle with depression feeling this "I'm going to die soon." feeling. So, maybe both play a role with this unpleasant feeling. However, I'm coping by watching shows on YouTube Premium, listening to music, spending time with family, writing, having some alone time, and listening to ASMR as I take a pause from everything. The only concern I've been having is that I'm worried that my mom's boyfriend will do something physically harmful towards me because of his history of domestic violence. He scares me a lot, but it is nothing personal. It's just Steven, not Xander. Xander does not fear because remember, he is not human. However, Steven is traumatized, so he will obviously react with fear or defense towards someone he sees as a threat. Sometimes though, my mom's boyfriend can seem like a kind guy, which takes away my fear, but when he switches back to his other side, my brain is on high alert. I'm trying my best to avoid him, so my PTSD isn't triggered because it got so bad a couple of days ago. I couldn't breathe from the high amount of anxiety that I felt at the moment because of a few new photos of my mom bleeding from my mouth (caused by her boyfriend), which triggered my brain. There's also that argument from March the 12th. Keep in mind though that I do not associate myself (aka Xander) with PTSD because I am only just an entity that happens to live in the physical human body in the physical universe, not a traumatized person.

- March 26, 2021