Dance Through Trauma

December 1, 2021

December 1, 2021-

The cameras are finally outside of the house. These past few days, I've felt angry at my mother's boyfriend for getting mad at me the other day since he saw that I was touching his camera set. I'm neutral now, and I'm actually trying to have some positive energy going on between me and him because I believe that he is just a broken soul crying for help, so I feel for him. It doesn't excuse some of the things he's done, but it makes me understand why he is the way he is, and that helps calm me down, which is so much better. Being angry only made me run away from the house for twenty minutes in the freezing cold weather for nothing. I was actually going straight to the police department to make a police report on him, but my mother texted me and convinced me not to, so she picked me up and took me to the store to buy me a drink. Then, we went home and acted like nothing happened. Her boyfriend didn't notice that I left the house since he was asleep at the time, but that day, I was sick of the problems that kept on going on at home, so I wanted it to end. I even told my mom that if I don't go to the police, then being dead would be another option. I was just super exhausted with the family problems at home. First, it was my dad, then her ex boyfriend (Damian's father), and now her current boyfriend. I'm just sick of hearing about a boyfriend of hers destroying our family. I just want us to find peace already. I lived 19 years in life, but with all the problems that I've dealt with, I feel like I've been alive for 50 years. I've had too many problems, so it's best to avoid as much as possible, which is why I want to limit my social circle when I go to work, and I'll only get into a relationship with someone who is actually worth it. They must be similar to me, like an autistic person or a person with ADHD. I need to be understood by a guy, so I would rather not date a neurotypical. I'm actually crushing on an online friend right now. He is a neurodivergent like me! Not only that, but he is so friendly and fun to text with. I'm already daydreaming about our own house and marriage even though we became friends just a few days ago. I guess I fall in love too easily, but this guy is too good to turn out like the guys I've had a thing with. Maybe he will change my perspective on relationships because all the guys that I've had something with made me see romantic love as something impossible for me. It's not a need, but it's something beautiful that a human can experience. Last night, I felt so happy texting Brandon, and thanked him for the feelings. We were talking about many things like one of our favorite singers named Tyler Joseph from the duo band Twenty One Pilots. The only thing that's been bothering me lately is that I have gotten too emotional when it comes to death. I'm tired of crying over the death of an innocent person. I want to celebrate their legacy instead of crying over it. The tragedy was terrible, but I would rather think about the good that a person did rather than their tragic departure. It happened to me with Selena Quintanilla, and now Christina Grimmie. They both have awesome music that I seriously love, but I will try my best not to remember their tragic passings everyday because it makes me too sad. Death isn't a sad thing, but the their tragic deaths mean that they left the world with fear. I don't even think Christina had the time to process the tragedy because it happened too fast, but what's important here is that she had an awesome life. It's the good moments that count; not the length of your living.