Dance Through Trauma

March 30, 2021

Therapist and medication can really be helpful because without it, my OCD and Bipolar Disorder would be very severe. Unfortunately, it hasn't helped with my PTSD so far, but at least my other mental illnesses are mild right now. With all three of them tearing me apart at once makes life harder than it already is. If you didn't already know, PTSD is a mental illness that can develop in someone after a traumatic experience, which comes with a variety of symptoms like flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, fear, anger, hyper-vigilance, etc. Not everyone with this illness experiences the same symptoms, but what they do share is the fact that these symptoms cause a certain amount of stress upon an individual due to symptoms (that fit the profile of PTSD) that started to show up after a traumatic event, causing difficulty to recover from the traumatizing experience. Anyone can become traumatized after experiencing something traumatic, but it does not mean that you have the illness. Some people can be traumatized for less than a month and then recover, which would be PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress) instead of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). However, others like me can become traumatized for a longer period of time. One of the ways doctors use to diagnose someone with PTSD is by using the DSM-5, which is like the Bible for the psychology field. The DSM-5 is the 2013 edition of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and the most recent edition as of 2021. Anyways, I wanted to write about something that I noticed earlier today. So, I've noticed that if I know more about someone's psychology, then my brain starts to feel less fear towards that person because my brain would know the science of whoever I'm afraid of, decreasing fear. How did I notice this? When I was reading online about Paranoid Personality Disorder, the symptoms sounded so much like my mother's boyfriend. So, I showed them to my mom and guess what? She agreed with it! Her boyfriend probably does have this personality disorder and if not, there's still science inside of his brain that explains his hostility. Reading about this personality disorder calmed me because I think I better understand the science behind my mom's boyfriend's actions. I even wanted to just give him a big hug because I felt like I better understand him. My fear of him went away, so now my affectionate side wants to come out and express! I'm no professional, but he obviously has something going on inside his brain, and reading about that personality disorder, which he may have, has helped me feel better about him, subconsciously, as I have no view of him, consciously. I already know there's science behind everything, but learning about the science of someone or something helps me better understand the person or thing. Again, I have no fear consciously as I do not associate myself with emotion. However, my subconscious disagrees. So, I have to teach myself the science of someone or something despite my true mentality in order to calm my subconscious down. Why do I do this? So, my brain doesn't start to self-destruct with emotional pain. If that happens, my consciousness can lose control of the body and go to "sleep" when my subconscious takes full control of my body. Then, I will end up dead. Death isn't something I desire to avoid but nor do I desire to provoke it. It would be interesting to experience the greatest enigma of our time that we call death. However, I try my best to stay alive as long as I can to experience more of what I can experience like learning about new things of our universe and any other topic that interests me. But, when my life comes to an end someday, it will just end. Humans like to emphasize someone's death and I won't lie, I do too, subconsciously, but it's not something of my interest, consciously. This emphasis comes from our emotional human brains, naturally. Though, it can be painful if you experience it subconsciously and consciously (if you associate yourself with emotion). From an emotional perspective, I luckily do not have to experience pain consciously! And wow, after saying this, it really calmed my worries of becoming homeless in the future because of my mental disabilities. The amount of stress I was having hours ago over becoming homeless someday did an unbearable amount of pain.

- March 30, 2021