Dance Through Trauma

September 18, 2022

Dear mom,

I love you, and my siblings. I want to help, but not by having my energy be abused. You push me over the limits. You make me do things I am incapable of doing. I'm realizing the way I feel is mostly because of my autistic brain, but you never believed in who I really am. You always think since I am not like Ovi, my autism doesn't exist or count as something important. You don't take me seriously, and it hurts me. I am beyond exhausted to be a part of your problems with every single ex you have had. You made mistakes mother, not me. It is not my responsibility to pay for your consequences. Your life won't be easy because of the man you chose to be with and have an entire family with. It is so unfortunate, but I am not Jesus. And I am not capable of becoming a co-parent for my siblings. Mom, do you not understand the amount of stress I've had for these past few months? There are the financial problems, and being forced to babysit the kids. I understand we are very tight on money, and I wish I could help, I actually do, but it is beyond what my fragile mind can handle. I tried very hard to feel powerful when watching after the kids, but I can't be Superman. I am a soft, emotionally-sensitive person. I am autistic, so please understand that mom. Please understand that I have had years of awful mental illness since 2015. I have been doing better than ever mentally, but your problems bring me down. I don't want to fall back into depression. I almost went there tonight. I had a knife on my left arm. I was ready to cut myself, but the knife I had didn't go through the skin and for some weird reason, the knives in the kitchen are gone or hidden? It's like God didn't want me to find them. I am stressed out with how tight we are always with the money, which is why I am strict when you spend money from my bank or from the little cash you earn at that restaurant. I convinced you to get that restraining order to make us feel safe, especially you. I had the moral obligation to report what your ex did to the kids. Did you expect me to keep quiet like you have all these years? Life won't be easy for you, but you chose to be a mother, and that is on you. You have to step up your game, and be the best mother you can be. I've helped you with the social society application and the child support application. You have to learn to figure out how to deal with all of that because I won't be your helper for everything for the next 20 years. It is your responsibility to learn English, and it is your responsibility to make sacrifices or whatever is needed to be done no matter how hard FOR the kids. I didn't tell you to have kids, and I am not you, so please stop forcing me to watch after the kids. I understand the financial problems that go on, but I am just not capable of being responsible for four kids, even if it's just for an hour. It messes up with my head a lot. I literally turned suicidal tonight. That's how bad it is, and it has nothing to do with me being off my medication. I've felt this way, always. You know damn well mom. My brain is not meant to be responsible for little kids. You have to find a babysitter no matter how expensive. There will be hard times for you, but it was your choice mom. Not mine. Why drag me into it? I will only help up to the maximum amount that I can provide. I will not cross any limits with you anymore mom. I am done paying for your problems mom. I am officially done with being involved in your life. I love you, but you've got this. I can barely keep myself together, let alone you and the kids. It's time for me to be free. I want to experience bliss for once in my life.

- September 18, 2022