Dance Through Trauma

April 30, 2021

A few days ago, I went with my mom and siblings to my mom's boyfriend's sister's place to spend some time there. I wanted to go there, and so did my sister Kathleen since we were bored at home, but it was a mistake. I left that place with my PTSD triggered because of what happened. So, let me get to what occurred at the place. I went outside with my siblings and their cousins to play (The cousins are step-cousins to Damian). At first, I spent some time with the dog, who's owned by the mother of my mom's boyfriend. I had some laughs with my sister Jesiah because of the dog. She thought it was funny whenever the dog tried to go near her, and it was cute. Then, I let Jesiah go for a bit and sat on the torn-apart trampoline. One of the kids, a teenager, came up to me and asked, "Do you like boys or girls or both?" I told him that I liked boys while I was having some nervous laughter because I wasn't sure what his stance was on the LGBT community. He reacted neutral to my response, so I felt a little relieved. After that question, I played with Jesiah and the dog for a few more minutes. After our fun moment with the dog, I let my mom take Jesiah back inside since I wanted to play with the kids, who were playing a game that ended up being a game with soccer and baseball rules. Before I started to continue to play, I informed the teenager that I was also autistic, which would explain why I was very quiet and shy-like. I just didn't want him to think that my behavior had anything to do with my sexual orientation because then, he would think that I'm shy because I'm like the stereotypical gay person, which would make him hate me. There's nothing wrong with a gay person who behaves exactly like the stereotype of what a gay person is, but I don't want to ever come across any person who opposes people with that type of personality. Anyway, we continued to play for about 15 minutes until my mom told me and the teenager to take out the trash from my mother's boyfriend's sister's house, who I will call Rose, so I won't have to say "mother's boyfriend's sister." Me and the teenager, who I will call Josh, went together to take the trash to the trash can at the front of the house, which was about 2 minutes far from the house when walking since the place is big. I felt nervous to walk by Josh because I didn't feel comfortable. I had told him about my sexuality and autism. I feared that he may have something against gay people and believe autistic people are "crazy in the head." I mean, he was barely a teenager. He doesn't know that much about the world yet, and he probably doesn't know much about sexual orientation and autism, which would lead him to judge me even more out of his own fears. After we put the trash away, I went back to sit on the trampoline, and chose not to play with the kids anymore because I felt that Josh hated me. My heart was starting to race, and suicidal thoughts were rushing into my mind as it happened. While I sat on the trampoline, I thought about how there's so much hate in the world. It's so hard with a brain that thinks this way. How can I recover from PTSD when the whole world is a trigger? I can't just move out of this planet and live on the moon to fix my problems, and then move back. Unfortunately, that probably is the only way that I will ever recover. I have to be somewhere else other than this planet while I receive treatment from aliens! Once recovered, I can go back to Earth and feel safe anywhere in this world. Of course, that won't happen! It sucks, but there's probably another alternative that's possible. Hopefully, I find it because it is seriously getting harder everyday to breathe. Every human being scares me, no matter who they are. Even the purest human being ever will scare me because of my trust issues. How can I trust someone ever again after everything that I went through in life? I've been bullied (both emotionally and physically) for so many years, and sexually assaulted. Not only that, but I had to deal with people that only added more reasons to why suicide was the only option to choose. So, with thoughts like these while I was outside with the kids, I didn't want to be near any of them, even my little siblings. I just wanted to be left alone so that I could have time to myself to think about the disasters caused by humanity. The teenager, Josh, did nothing wrong. It was all my head because I was so scared that he hated me. Plus, the fact that he was a young teenager that attended middle school triggered my poor brain. Middle schoolers are one of the main triggers of my trauma because middle schoolers were the people that bullied me during middle school. Elementary school students can also trigger me, but not as much as middle schoolers. Just seeing a school bus or a school building already brings back memories of what I went through in the past because it's where my trauma took place. Every school-related thing triggers me. I deeply wish I wasn't like this, but I didn't choose to be traumatized in the first place. It's the world's fault for not teaching young people how to be positive. Yeah, some of the bullying traits in bullies come from biological factors, but if they really can't control it, then their parents or guardians need to make sure that they get treated or else they hurt others without knowing why. I also understand that some parents or guardians may not be educated enough as well due to various reasons, which is why the school systems are fully responsible for everything that happens in their schools. They are there to educate children, so it is their job to do so. Education is a requirement for every single human being if the goal is to make the world shine. Schools must teach students how to be a decent human being. Otherwise, education is worthless. Anyway, let me go back to what happened at Rose's place. So, after I spent some time alone at the trampoline, the dog came up to me and wouldn't leave my side. I think she could tell that I wasn't okay! She had her head by my left leg, while I petted her head. Maybe she was there to emotionally support me, or maybe she just wanted me to pet her head. Who knows, but dogs are wonderful! After my short time with the dog, my mom called everyone to come in for a hot dog. So, I got up and left the trampoline. The dog left too and went somewhere else. When I came inside Rose's house, I felt deeply sad. I ate my hot dog at the couch while I thought about suicide. I wanted to let out my sadness through tears, but there were people around, and I don't like crying around people, so I tried my best to keep everything inside, and faked happiness. Finally, after some time. I wanted to lock myself in my room, but Damian wouldn't get out since he was there trying to bother me. He likes to bother me at times to have some fun, but it was not the right time for him to do it, so, I had to yell at him many times in order for him to leave my room because Damian has a hard time listening to what others tell him to do because of his ODD. So, after he went to the living room with me, I quickly went to my room and locked myself as fast as I could so that Damian couldn't get into my room. I needed to be alone to take a break from the entire world because I was overloaded with stress. Self-care should always be the number one priority in life. So, that's what I needed to do. I felt so guilty afterwards for being mean to Damian, but I was not myself at the time. At least he wasn't negatively affected by it since he was just laughing at me. Damian can be very mean at times, and he constantly physically hits me for his own fun, but I still love him, so I will always feel guilty whenever I go against him. His physical hits do trigger my trauma, but I try my best to stay strong from it because he's my brother, and plus, I know that he is mentally disabled, so it's not his fault that he's the way he is. Still, anger is one of the things that I hate about this illness. I lose myself so many times to this awful emotion, so it's hard to ever be my true self. Most of the time, I'm not even me, I'm just a walking illness. Being traumatized is a sad truth that I have to live with everyday, but I still believe that one day, things will get better, and that one day, I will finally be who I truly am. After I had an hour of rest in my room, I heard a loud cry from the bathroom, which is right next to my room. It was my mother's boyfriend who was crying. He received a call from a family member that his dad had recently died in the hospital. His cause of death was related to the COVID-19 virus. I felt so much sympathy for my mother's boyfriend because the loss of a parent must be terrible. I never heard such pain ever from a human being. There was so much crying and screaming from him. Despite his past of domestic violence, rape, and pedophillia, I felt bad for him. I never mentioned that he raped my mother multiple times nor did I mention the fact that he married a teenage girl in his home country while he was an adult over a decade ago. He even had a child with the teenage girl. I recently found out about this like a week ago, so the news made me feel more disgusted in Ray, well, my mother's boyfriend. I feel weird calling him Ray since that isn't his real name, but anyway, my mother's boyfriend is a criminal, yet I still felt sympathy for him because it's just who I am. I always feel empathy and sympathy for even the most evil human beings to ever exist. I don't like it though because it makes me fall into more traps set by these people. No wonder I've been hurt so many times. I've let myself get hurt by people only because I couldn't see their bad side. I used to be so blind, but I can now see the true colors of people. Well, until a few days ago, my brain only saw another human being in sorrow. There's no excuse for what my mother's boyfriend has done in his life, and he should pay the price in prison because being a physical abuser, pedophille, and rapist means that you should face the consequences for your actions. Sympathizing a criminal is like petting a hungry lion. Part of me says that he doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy, but another part of me says that he's just another troubled human being who needs help with his problems. I used to always believe that every human being should be given a chance to be bright, but most of that belief has faded away from my head. So, I see my mother's boyfriend as a bad person because he is in fact a criminal, so I will not let myself feel sympathy for anyone like him ever again. It will only lead me to the wrong places in life. I don't like my mother's boyfriend but his father has nothing to do with his actions, so may his father Rest In Peace. My mother told me that the man was very good, so it's sad to have another good human being leave this world that is in grave need of being healed. At least leaving this world means you are finally free from hell.

- April 30, 2021