Dance Through Trauma

August 12, 2021

I haven't found the time to write, but I have now. So, a couple of days ago, my maternal grandmother passed away. She had kidney failure, brain strokes, and lung failure. I'm not sure if she had COVID-19 because my mother told me that her sisters in Mexico aren't saying the exact answer. My grandmother Roberta Arroyo passed away on August 8 of 2021. I barely spoke to her in my lifetime (on the phone), but she meant so much to my mother, which is why she has been so sad lately. It's normal to grieve but the fact that my mother gets suicidal thoughts concerns me because I know this is hard on her, but I believe she will get through it. She got through it when her father passed away back in late 2001, so I think she will get through this one too. I try my best to keep my emotions on a balanced, healthy level as I used to be very emotional, but I'm of course worried about my mother, and I sympathize. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, and everyone grieves differently, but the death of my grandmother has been so tough on my mother because she really wanted her to leave. Seeing her post sad stuff on Facebook let's me know what she's feeling inside (which I can't see), and I just don't know what to do to help her move forward in life. My grandmother may be gone physically, but my mother will always have her alive inside her head. My mother has a hard time accepting that death is a thing because she talks a lot about how unfair it is to die when life is so beautiful. I tell her that it is better to accept death than to deny it because it is something inevitable that everyone will experience, and death should be associated with positive or neutral beliefs, not sad ones. That way, life is much easier to enjoy without having to worry about it ending.  I don't really tell my mom much about this though because I don't think she will ever accept death. I can try though, so I will see when that comes true. For now, I want my mother to be able to grieve on a healthy level, and enjoy life after she has grieved. She doesn't have to forget her mother to be happy. Instead, she can live life with the memory of her mother. I know it's such terrible pain for her though because I have never seen her cry all day before, which is what she did when she received the news in the morning of August 8. When I woke up, I could already hear my mother crying a lot, so I went to brush my teeth, and tried to comfort her even though I didn't know what I had to do to help her out appropriately. I'll try my best to give my mother more advice on how she can heal from this. I know my mother won't ever give up on life because she has six children in this world that still depend on her in some form, and she wouldn't want to leave us that way. So, I do believe she will be okay after this. My father made it out fine after my paternal grandmother passed away earlier this year, and my mother will too. I can't believe that I lost both grandmothers in the same year because their deaths were so unexpected, but that's just how the universe works. On the other hand, I want to wish my maternal grandmother a peaceful experience. All four of my grandparents aren't here anymore, so may they all together Rest In Peace. With love, I thank my grandparents for the good that they gave to my amazing parents.

- August 12, 2021