Dance Through Trauma

November 21, 2022

My sexual trauma has been hitting hard lately. I met up with a guy named Austin, Saturday night. I went to his place, and we hung out a bit. He told me that his love language is physical touch/affection. I figured mine is quality time. I didn't expect us to get intimate that night, but when he asked, I was going to say no, but I said yes. Why did I say yes? I was already feeling afraid because my sexual trauma was in my head again, but really bad. So, I wanted to own up to it and not let my trauma control me, but I pushed myself too far, honestly. The guy was very gentle, kind, and understanding though. I noticed that I am very likely demisexual, which means I only experience sexual feelings when I'm emotionally attached to someone or if I have strong emotional feelings for someone. I felt so much anxiety when he was hugging me but I didn't want my past to ruin a hug, a kiss, and anything else for me, but it has. I don't think I'll ever date anyone because the sexual assault took that away from me. I can no longer see sexuality has something good and natural. I can't even share love with someone when a simple non-sexual hug has been ruined in my vision. It's all so scary, but now I know that there is plenty of work to do with my PTSD. I really wish this was gone because it's been almost 5 year, but it still is affecting my head to this day. Sexuality and romance has been ruined for me, and it seems I will never experience it. With intimacy, I'd only try it with someone I'm emotionally connected to, so that'd be in marriage. I feel like that's a problem for me because everyone is very sexual, and I am not. Is there something wrong with me? Austin is cute and so kind, but I am not ready for a relationship, and I don't think I ever will be because James stole that from me in 2018. I wish I could leave this body because I hate seeing myself naked truly. I am so disgusted with my sexuality and body. I don't want to see the word sex anywhere. This adds onto my obsession with death. Since I was 10, I've always wanted to die. It all started with believing that I had lung cancer, but it turned out that I was healthy when I went to a few hospitals for testing in late 2015. I was devastated that I was going to live. Then, came wishing to commit suicide, which I have yet to attempt. In 2021, with all the crazy that my mom and her ex had going on in that house, I strongly hoped for her ex to murder me, which is why I threw a transparent spray-cleaner at him once. I wanted him to get mad and come at me. But, I just won't die! I'll do one more year, but I don't know if I can do any longer than that. Whats certain is that I definitely won't live to be 25.

October 21, 2022