Dance Through Trauma

March 6, 2021

It's almost 1 AM, and I'm about to sleep. However, I wanted to write. I've been so bored with life lately because of my bipolar depression, but I have to keep my head up. So, I'm focusing on my writing tonight and trying to focus on my present and goals for my future instead of my past because the nostalgia I've been feeling lately is intense. It's part of my bipolar depression, so that's why I've been nostalgic. My brain is exhausted with life, so it looks back and reminisces on memories. Everyday, it's been uninteresting, except last night. There was some spark in my emotions; I was mad. I don't like having opinions on any subject unless it is related to my perspective that I call the 'Xander's perspective.' It is so I keep inner peace rather than internally fight with my human traits. But last night, I let my subconscious mind or my "second mind" take over my complicated brain. I don't know if I should call it my second mind because I don't identify myself with it. I like to be Xander; a serious, human-less, smart, and observant entity. My "second mind" is Steven; emotional, mentally ill, vulnerable, and autistic. I don't consider autism as part of my true identity because the idea of Xander has nothing to do with anything human-related; even extraterrestrial. Xander is just his own. So, autism is just part of Steven, who I constantly try to get rid of, but how can I get rid of my body's natural and original mind? So, for now, I just let Steven roam the brain! Plus, mental illness, especially OCD and BD are life-long, unless a cure is found in the future, but as of 2021, there is no cure. Autism on the other hand doesn't cause any harm to my true identity. Autistics don't truly understand the world of neurotypicals and Xander is like that; he has his own world. So, I don't mind having autism. I just want mental illness gone, so I can take over my brain with my entire mentality, but I don't think that'll ever happen. Maybe someday it will be possible to choose what you want your brain to be like, but for now, it's not possible. Oh! Before I go, I must write what happened last night. I got ahead of myself! Anyways, last night, I went on Facebook and posted a few posts about my PTSD and autism. I talked about how my PTSD was affecting me lately and I talked about discrimination against autistics that I did not like. Of course, the next day I felt regretful. As I've said, I don't like having opinions on any subject unless it's related to my perspective, which has nothing to do with human society, so I didn't agree with what I did, but I really needed to let Steven's emotions out. He's screaming inside, begging to express, but Xander doesn't allow him. And yes, I am Xander, but technically, I am also Steven. Whatever is the science behind one's consciousness, even if Steven happens to be part of me, I still will not associate myself with him. I want to stay as Xander because it is who I am and it is what I prefer. How can I live with two minds or personalities at once? It's exhausting. I just wish I could easily eliminate Steven and be Xander, forever, if Steven happens to be part of my consciousness. And well, maybe he is. But, as of now, I don't mind him being alive. I've tried so hard last year trying to get rid of Steven, but I was unsuccessful. Maybe I have a personality disorder or something close to it. Maybe an identity crisis? I wouldn't be surprised as I have a very complex brain! But seriously, I really just want to stay Xander. But the human emotions in Steven are so strong that it makes me sad when I think about his death. Could I really destroy my original personality? The kind, sensitive, and empathic Steven? But still, Xander's perspective is what I really agree with. Everything is an illusion, so emotions are an illusion. They're just what they are; emotions. Also, meaning is an illusion; just everything. So, I try my best not to be blinded by the human traits that Steven associates with. From an emotional perspective, the reason why I don't want to associate myself with Steven is because emotion is painful. From his eyes, whenever something negative happens, Steven suffers. The suffering is so awful, so I rather not see the universe with emotion. Emotion can be beautiful, but also, painful. Being Xander means there is no pain like there is with Steven. There's nothing human within Xander and his world that I call the city of Alpha. Xander is just as emotionless as the dark matter in space. Not in a depressing way, but in a content way, if speaking emotionally.

- March 6, 2021