Dance Through Trauma

April 10, 2021

It's so hard to watch movies or shows that take place at a school with a bully. There's this show called 'Anne with an E' that I watched last year around this time, and as interesting as it was, I couldn't bear watching the main character Anne get bullied by her classmates because of how different she was. She seemed to struggle with PTSD like me because of the amount of bullying she had to go through in orphanage. Watching her was like watching me. I felt so much empathy, that I could no longer function. Like, it was so hard to see someone else who went through a similar trauma like me. It's just sad that there are people out there who hurt others for being different. If the world was a place full of love, then no one would have trauma. I doubt everyone will be able to be lovely, but maybe if scientists found something for the human brain that made us completely kind, society would be so happy because heaven would finally be on Earth, but unfortunately, hell is still on Earth as of this moment. And because of the hell on Earth, I have to suffer with PTSD. Dreaming about the bullies from the past like the one kid from church who made fun of me for only playing with girls at the church can be so uncomfortable. If you bring me to a school building, I will feel very anxious because the school reminds me of my past, and when I see all the kids at the school, especially middle schoolers, I feel insecure. I feel that I have to try to fit into what the kids want to see, and not an autistic person. I fear school buses because it reminds me of the bullying I had to go through in the buses, especially during elementary school, when this one guy used to punch my stomach in the bus to get me out of the seat that he liked, and when I told the bus driver, they didn't bother to care. I had to go through bullying on that bus but the bus driver never cared to help me at least emotionally when I needed it most. I told my mom's parents about the guy though, but they ended up telling the wrong woman, who they thought was the mother of the bully. I wanted to tell my mother but I had trouble communicating to her about who it was. I even knew where the bully lived, but I didn't know how to communicate it. Oh look at me now, bringing back sad memories to make myself cry. Such a childhood full of trauma, and an adolescence full of mental health battles. Now in my young adulthood, I'm trying my best to combat PTSD at the age of 18 and a half. I will stay strong through this fight no matter the words of death that flood my mind. I'm safe at home, but the fact that I have to go out to public places makes me seriously consider suicide. Why does society have to put me through such pain? I don't want to go anywhere where there's people because I can't function that way. I'm not trying to get myself into another mental breakdown, so why can't I just stay home? I want nothing to do with human society. Why should I go out? Just to get hurt again? It's so obvious that I will get hurt at least once again if I'm able to go out without any anxiety, and everyone knows that. The amount of closed-minded people out there in the world makes me wish I was either dead or alone somewhere far away from this planet. I'm fine with going outside to see nature, but only if there's no human being around. I wish I could work somewhere with no communication with people, and earn money that way. I do wonder if there are actually jobs like that? Probably not, but I'll do research on it later. I probably will end up homeless and die from something, though. I'll probably die young, and it's so frustrating that I will have to fight to receive help from the government through Social Security Income if I want it because many people have to fight very hard to get their benefits, and it can take years. Why can't it be much easier, especially for disabled people? Ugh, I'll probably end up dead, but again, death isn't something to fear. I'm just trying my best to stay alive as much as possible to enjoy life. Please America, do something about this! Speaking of the government, I don't know if I should get the COVID-19 vaccines or not. I've read that it's safe, but then there are conspiracy theories that make me question the vaccines. There's a conspiracy theory that claims people who are vaccinated will turn into zombies, but it has zero evidence to support it. However, a French astrologer from the 1500s named Nostradamus predicted that a zombie apocalypse would occur in 2021 along with other scary events, according to people who have decoded his poetic predictions. Plus, this French astrologer has been mostly right about his predictions, which is why he gets so much attention. Then, there's the CDC who published tips on how to survive a zombie apocalypse over a month ago on their website. So, of course I will be concerned! I know zombies come from movies, but you never know! I'm not claiming that this is true or will happen, but it's hard to choose whether I should take the vaccines because of this conspiracy theory. First of all, I have OCD, so conspiracy theories can make my brain more likely to fall for them. Maybe this zombie conspiracy theory is actually true, but I'll wait through this year to see if it ends up coming true. I'm still not taking the vaccines for a while, until I'm confident enough that I can trust our government. I mean, I fear people to begin with, and my brain sees people as a threat, and since people are a part of the government like politicians, I will fear them too just like anyone else. So, how can I trust the government? What if the zombie theory is true or what if the vaccine is some other plan to take control of everyone. It's hard to trust anyone and anything in this world, so I don't know what to do. Of course, I would take it if it's safe, but I need more confidence! Hopefully, this is all just anxiety and nothing comes true from this conspiracy theory, but if it comes true, at least I get to see some zombies! They would be fascinating to see, but if I see them, I have to fear them too, if I want to stay alive. But, zombies won't be the only ones I need to watch out. I also have to fear human beings! In fact, I will have to fear people more than zombies if a zombie apocalypse were to come to this world. Humans will always be the biggest threat to our world!

- April 10, 2021