Dance Through Trauma

January 14, 2022

The second day of work was the best. I was nervous going back to work after yesterday's horror, but I remained positive. Nate, the guy who trains me at work, and the assistant manager, told me that the manager informed me that I was uncomfortable yesterday, so I was given the chance to work in the kitchen, which I already knew from a response that I received through text this morning. The manager told me that she understood, and that she would start me with kitchen training where I will clean around, and make pizza. I really enjoyed cleaning the dishes today at work, and I can do the job the rest of my life because it is so therapeutic. It's boring for some people, but boring to me is actually peace that I appreciate so much. After I've been through so much chaos in life, it's time that I enjoy a peaceful, simple life. That's what I really want. I don't like change anymore, but some changes will be made for now since they are necessary like getting a job and driving. Once I'm done with all of those important things, I can enjoy my simple, peaceful life. I just wish my mother could try harder to get help with applying for social security, so she can receive financial help. I'm tired of the problems that go on here at home, and I wouldn't mind having my mother and siblings living with me at my own place, but I want it to be temporary, not a very long time like 20 years. I want my own life alone with simplicity and content that I can appreciate. For the romance part, I don't really think it's possible to find a guy who I'll spend with for the rest of my life because seeing my mother go through such terrible stuff with men, I don't want to go through them too, which is why I don't ever want to take any risks with that. I'll just have those temporary boyfriends that are meaningless because I don't want to take any risks anymore. Like I said, I'm done with chaos. I truly am. I would rather die than live through chaos ever again. I've dealt with enough pain for a lifetime. It's time for me to have my paradise on earth after years of suffering with mental illness. I just wish my mom wasn't in the situation that she's in, but I have to disconnect myself from it in order to live how I desire to live. I will help her if she needs somewhere to stay or financial help if I'm able to do that, but she shouldn't rely on me. I wish I could sacrifice for them and live a terrible life just for them to live happily, but I went through years of pain, and I don't want to experience that ever again. I want to live in harmony, so I can't be their savior. I'm so sorry mom, but I don't want to be your savior. I will help as much as I can, but I don't want to be the man that takes care of the entire family. I'm only 19, and having to be responsible for my mother and 4 little siblings would drive me insane. All of this happened because that one man couldn't manage to keep it together. Shame on him and his weird family for judging us all the time without realizing that the devil is their own family member. Trust me, that man is truly the devil. I'm only waiting to move out of here once I have more money saved. I want to save money this entire year, so I'll still live here, but if that can't happen, then I just hope I can save money that can support me financially for three months in case I were to lose a job or something, and then I can rent a place somewhere. I don't know if the landlord will want my family at the place though because there are so many kids, and that many is enough to destroy the insides of a house or apartment. I don't want my mother to live her life in this misery but she's doing it for the kids. She can easily abandon them here, and move to Mexico alone where the American authorities can't find her, but she is too good of a mother to do that. I sometimes wish she could do something like that though because at least we won't have to live in this toxic atmosphere, but it's better for the kids to live here than at an orphanage separated from each other. This is why people need to be careful with who they have kids with. That Prince Charming can turn into the grinch of love in a day. Humans come with the unknown.

- January 14, 2022