I really need Medicare insurance, so that I can finally look for PTSD specialists nearby because it is time for me to heal from this pain. I want to be able to love someone. I want to be able to be able to befriend someone. I want to be able to trust someone. I want to be able to be the two versions of myself; Steven and Xander. Yeah, I've said before that I didn't like Steven, but he's my body's natural personality. Steven is very kind, emotional, caring, positive, and helpful. I've learned to accept my body's identity, so I let him express. It's impossible to destroy him anyway, so I must accept him, or I will suffer. Without mental illness, Steven is a prismatic guy. I've always made mental illness part of Steven, and it kind of is, but Steven is amazing. He's just too good to be in this world, which is why I've been hurt so many times, but it's going to be okay. Steven will come back soon, stronger than ever. On the other hand, Xander will always be with me. Xander is my true self, but I don't mind being Steven as well. I'm okay with being one in two! Steven believes everything that Xander believes, but what's different between them is that Steven has human traits while Xander doesn't. I'm having a few thoughts right now that are telling me that I shouldn't accept Steven, but what could go wrong this time? If I heal from PTSD, I will be unbreakable. I will no longer be hurt by anyone anymore, even if I lose a friend, because I have myself, and once again, that's all I need. My recovery process will be long, but it will all be worth it at the end. That's what I hope happens in the near future. Anyway, I have decided to return to an Instagram community by returning to one of my old accounts. I like to play an alien character on Instagram with satire and comedy related things because it is fun. So, I'm going back to that now. However, that also means that I will have to communicate with people in some way because I just can't ignore the comments and messages that I receive. I think it would be good to socialize a little with people to combat this illness, but I'm so scared of doing it. The intense fear I am having right now only after I said a few things in a group chat about coming back is horrible. I don't want to ever suffer again because of a toxic human being, but fearing people isn't going to help. I need to face my biggest fear, or else I will not recover. If I get too uncomfortable or if something goes wrong, then I will stop whatever I'm doing and either take a break or stop doing what I'm doing for a while until I'm strong enough to do it.
- May 2, 2021
YOU ARE READING
Dance Through Trauma
Non-FictionA diary of an autistic young adult who suffers from PTSD as a result of school bullying. Read about my deep inner thoughts from my conscious and subconscious, and how I am dealing with PTSD as an autistic person. (Book will be finished in a few year...
