Dance Through Trauma

May 5, 2021

Morning: There needs to be more information provided to people around the world about autism because so many people out there have no knowledge of autism nor any other neurological differences. I don't know about other race or ethnicity groups, but from my experience, I've noticed that many Hispanics barely know what autism is. So, they may think it's strange for someone to behave differently, and sometimes, they may judge neurodivergents unfairly. Recently, my mom, her boyfriend, siblings, and I went to visit my mother's boyfriend's grandmother, who is the great-grandmother of my three youngest siblings. My mom told me that while we went to visit her, the old woman talked to my mom and mentioned that she thought that it was strange that I played with little kids. My mom only told her that I was "sick." What she meant by "sick" was that I'm mentally ill, not autistic. I was a little angry at my mom because she didn't mention that I had something called autism. Many autistics may fail to have friendships "socially appropriate" around their age. The old woman must've thought that since I'm 18 years old, it's strange for someone my age to play with children under the age of 5. She did tell my mom that she didn't see something right with me because I behaved differently. I understand that in her eyes, my behavior may not seem appropriate because she is a neurotypical. She doesn't understand neurodivergents, and probably doesn't know much about neurodivergence either. She's a lovely person, so that's what matters. It made me happy that she noticed that I was different and said something about it because I don't want neurotypical people to think that I am like them. No matter what, I want everyone who sees me to know that I'm autistic because at least they will know that I am different from them, if they're not similar to me. Otherwise, I will try to pressure myself to be as neurotypical as I can in order to please others because it's in my nature not to make others unhappy. I want everyone around me not to be affected by me negatively. I just want to be a ghost around everyone, but if I'm noticed, I want them to feel comfortable around me. However, I tell myself that I should only do things that make me happy, as long as it doesn't affect others. I can make others happy too, but only if I'm comfortable with it. Still, there's another reason why I have the pressure of having to pretend to be a neurotypical. I don't want to be bullied and seen as the weird kid. I want people to know that I'm different because my brain was wired differently. I don't talk to anyone in person unless they talk to me first, then I'll respond, but the conversation is always very short. So, I want my mom to tell the people around her like her boyfriend's family to know that I am autistic. I don't want them to judge me unfairly and think that I am just weird. I always feel like they see me as an unintelligent person because of my poor communication skills. People's opinions don't matter to me, and I don't need anyone's validation. However, I'm just afraid of being bullied again. I can't go through more judgement, so of course I'm worried! It's better for people to understand me because humans are always quick to judge anyway. Humans judge based on the information that they have, even if it's not all of the information. One piece of information is enough for people to judge unfairly. Like I've said before, people should never judge. We don't know each other's stories completely. Everyone has a different experience that only themselves will fully understand. My words won't change the world, so I want people to know the biggest piece about myself, so they can understand that I am different, and judge me that way. Unfortunately, judgement is something many humans can't control. So, if that's how it is in this world, then I want people to know that I'm autistic, so that they understand why I'm the way I am. Even if they don't know what autism is, they still know that autism is a neurological difference. Yeah, there's always the possibility that I will be made fun of, but at least I did my part of informing them about my difference. I rather be bullied by an ignorant than to be bullied by the unacknowledged. I would feel guilty for not doing my part of informing the bully, so that would add on more pain. If they do know, then I'll just be hurt, but not guilty. Guilt is stronger than hurt, so it is more painful. Anyway, I'm seeing a consular next week, so I will be able to get some help! I will see how it goes because I need a professional that can help me with my problems. I'm so glad that it is free for now because I'm having trouble with my Medicare application. I received a letter a few days ago about being "not eligible" for not providing enough medical information. However, there's this woman from a clinic nearby that has been helping my mom and I with the application process, who has solved this problem. I sent her pictures of my printed medical records to her email, so that she could send them to the Medicare program because I really need it. I just hope that I get accepted, and have no trouble with it because I want to look for PTSD specialists or any other specialist that has experience with PTSD-affected clients. The treatment I've received in the past only helps with depression, social anxiety, and OCD. I didn't really get help with PTSD because my therapist and doctor were always more concerned about my severe depression especially as I was always at high risk for suicide. So, there was never time to focus that much on my PTSD, but I finally have the time to do that! I did talk a lot about my trauma, but there wasn't much done to help with that other than coping with it, and trying out CBT, a type of therapy. Everything that I did in treatment helped with my other mental health problems, but not PTSD. I won't focus on the past, though. I'm focused on the fact that the beginning of my recovery needs to begin as soon as possible!

- May 5, 2021