Dance Through Trauma

May 13, 2021

Recently, my mother talked to me about her trauma and Damian's trauma. My mom has been through so much with her abusive boyfriend, and my brother Damian had to witness all of the domestic violence going on at home for years. I already know what Damian had to see, but I feel bad for him. He deserves better, and so does my mother. I'm just glad that her boyfriend isn't doing anything harmful to anyone at home, so we're safe as of now. However, my mother barely receives any help from her boyfriend, who is the father of my three youngest siblings. He always makes my mother clean the entire house, take care of the children, take out the trash, and so much more, while he uses his phone. It's pretty obvious that someone with a past of domestic violence, pedophillia, and rape won't be an empathic person, so I expect narcissism out of the man. He's enjoying his life driving his car to discreet places to see other women, and I know that for sure because there are just too many obvious signs for even someone like me, with autism, to notice. The problem isn't that he's seeing another person other than my mother; it's the fact that he is a father of three little children. It is his responsibility as a father to take care of his own children. It's not going to happen anyway, so there's nothing that anyone can do for it to change. I just hope my mother stays very strong throughout her life, especially while my siblings grow up because my mother is their only chance at life. If she dies too soon, they will suffer in foster care based on what I've heard from children who grew up in foster care. So, my siblings really need my mother to be with them. I'm proud of her for being so strong through all the terrible things she experienced in life. For now, all I want is for us to move out as soon as possible, so that we are certainly safe. My family deserves so much better than this. I'm already afraid of living here, but I can't just leave my mother and siblings because then the abuse will be worse from that man because like my mom says, her boyfriend knows that I will call the police on him. My mom has called the police on her boyfriend a few times, and even got a temporary restraining order back in late 2019, but she requested the judge to have it removed, and so that was done. The reason she removed it is because she felt pressured by her boyfriend's family, who wanted her to take the restraining order away from her boyfriend. The restraining order mentioned the domestic violence and sexual abuse that occurred at home. My mom received help with the restraining order from one of the schools nearby. She already has informed me that she wants to press charges on her boyfriend, but she can't as of now because she needs a car to go to several courts and places. It's actually another reason why she removed the restraining order off her boyfriend. If she had money, transportation, and someone who can babysit my little siblings while she is busy, she can easily press charges and receive justice. But, it's not possible as of now because she can not work due to the fact that her boyfriend doesn't allow her to work, nor does she have anyone who can take care of the children. So, life is seriously hard for my mother, and I want to try my best to help her out. At least my presence here prevents my mother's boyfriend from being abusive. He still yells at my mom, and argues a lot with intense anger, though. Just seeing him angry makes me feel very worried because I don't want my family to be hurt, but if it ever happens, and if it ends terribly, how can I undo what was done? I have Xander, the other side of me. I still consider him as my true self, but lately, I've been Steven almost every single second that passes by. I just want to be Xander right now because that would mean that I would feel no emotion, therefore, I wouldn't worry about what is going on at home. But, Steven is making is so hard to be Xander because of his guilt. It's better to be emotionless and not react to a situation than to be emotional and react to a situation. I won't suffer as Xander, and I will be in content. I really want that, but guilt is making it hard because it feels unethical not to worry about my family, despite my disbelief in ethics. I guess it's just human nature to care about your family. So, I'm lost right now with my own mentality because I don't know what to decide. In this physical world, right now, should I be Xander or Steven? I don't know! I really have to tell myself to go with what's best for my mental health because I already know that I shouldn't even have to worry about what's going on at home. There's nothing I can do to change my mother's boyfriend's behavior, nor anything else. I just wish I could easily let everything pass by without a single thought, not because I want to be careless, but because I don't want to suffer from emotional pain. I already suffer enough with my own head, so it's not good to add on more pain if I plan on staying alive. I need to work out my thoughts, get rid of the guilt, and be Xander for good. I'm so tired of Steven because all he does is suffer, and I'm done suffering. It's time to live in peace no matter what occurs in my surroundings.

- May 13, 2021