Dance Through Trauma

March 31, 2021

Okay, I was wrong. Yesterday, I was calm about my mom's boyfriend, but today, I'm not! I'm afraid of him again, but my mom said that we will move out soon. From an emotional perspective, I still think that he should be held accountable for his crimes against my mom because he shouldn't be doing domestic abuse towards my innocent mom nor anyone else. Not only is it against the law, but he also shouldn't be outside in society because he is definitely a danger. So, something has to be done, but my mom still doesn't want to go to the police to report him. I'm uncomfortable here at home again, but I'll try my best to wait. Anyway, I don't want to write about him anymore. Thinking too much about him makes my PTSD so much worse and I don't want that so, I want to move onto another topic, which is about how my mental health has been today. So, today, I've been feeling sleepy and anxious. One of the reasons why I was anxious was because I didn't know what to do with my natural personality, Steven. As Steven, I feel uncomfortable because I feel that people around me will not accept who I am whether it's family or strangers at a grocery store. Oh! I forgot to mention a few days ago about my new type of stimming, which is tapping repeatedly. I don't remember what led to this new type of stimming but I just can't stop tapping because I like the sound and movement of my fingers tapping towards a surface. It helps me distract myself from falling into any mental traps from my mental illnesses, and not only that, but also, it helps me feel calm. I feel like I'm changing subjects every second here, but I can't help to share something else. So, earlier today, I was thinking about death. Not in the suicidal way, but just about how peaceful death seems. I honestly can't wait to die because then I won't have to face challenges with my life in the human physical body. It's already stressful just knowing how people have to deal with their finances. So many innocent people are homeless and they have no homes, especially disabled people! It just saddens me that I may be heading towards a future full of worries. Honestly, life isn't all that because there really isn't anything meaningful to it. It's all an illusion because well, everything is an illusion. One day, what we see won't exist in our eyes whether it's due to blindness or death, and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. So, death seems better than life. In death, I will be free from the pain I experience as a human being because it can be so exhausting. And wow, am I really about to cry at this? I think part of this way of thinking is just my bipolar depression. I'm just so tired of life because everything seems so stressful. I can't even fill out one sheet of paper with a few questions because I feel so unmotivated and stressed from just seeing it already, but modern society wants us to have all of this stress in our lives, otherwise we're deemed as "lazy" or "weak." Like trying to offend people with these words isn't going to change their minds. To me, those words are just words, so they don't hurt me. However, because of this way of thinking throughout our world, people like me will be misunderstood when really, we just need more support. I'm really sad because life does truly suck. Like seriously, what is the point of staying alive when I can die and experience eternal peace? I still tell myself to stay alive until my body naturally dies of age. However, my brain makes it hard everyday. And no, I don't want to do something like ending my life, but I just want to be free of emotional pain. I don't care if it'll occur in life or death, I just want peace for my body because I'm getting tired of going through mental challenges everyday. If life will always be like this, full of pain, then I can't wait for my death.

- March 31, 2021