Dance Through Trauma

May 30, 2021

Recently, I've been very angry. My brother, Damian, keeps hitting me even when I do nothing. I understand that he has ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), which can make him a very chaotic person. He never listens to my mom, so I try to help her out. For example, if Damian has my mother's phone, and she wants it back, but he doesn't want to give it back, I ask nicely at first for the phone. Then, I give a warning. After the warning, I forcibly take the phone from his hands, which I always have to do. When something like that happens, he starts to attack me physically. I understand that his brain is wired differently, but it is so triggering to my traumatized mind whenever he attacks me physically and calls me names. It reminds me of my past with school bullying, and Damian being 8 years old makes it more triggering because most of my school bullies were in elementary school, and Damian is currently in elementary school. He looks like any other kid in his age group, and his age group looks like most of my past bullies. His physical attacks, verbal attacks, and age triggers my trauma. Just two days ago, in the car, Damian wouldn't give my mom her phone, so I had to forcibly take away the phone from his hands, but he was able to take it back from me. So, he proceeded to hit my left eye with the phone to express his anger. After a few minutes, I began to cry. My mom knew what was going on, but she couldn't do much because she had to focus on driving the car. However, she did get mad at Damian and told him to stop doing what he was doing, and then asked me why I was crying. I told her that what Damian had just done to me reminded me of my past school bullies. I remember the times kids hit me while no one was there to ever help me. I barely even remember the details of most of the physical attacks that I was in. I was so sad, and decided to ignore Damian. I love my brother, but his behavior is so out-of-control. It's not healthy for me to be around anyone with a vicious personality because it will only trigger me. I've been yelling so much at home lately because of his mean behavior. I don't want to be stressed out anymore, so I had a talk with my mom the following day, which was yesterday. I informed her that it is not good for me that Damian attacks me because it will only worsen my mental illness, and my main goal for now is to heal. How will I ever heal if my brother is going to treat me so cruelly? I also had a talk with Damian and told him that I was sorry for how much I yelled at him, and for throwing things at him like shoes or toys these past few days. I've thrown things at him after he physically attacks me or verbally attacks me out of fear. I get into my flight or fight mode whenever he does that to me, and most of the time, I choose the fight option to defend myself and feel safer. It's what I told Damian, and I also told him that he needs to stop behaving unfairly towards me. I told him that I know it may be hard to control his behavior, but that he needs to try his very best with me at least because I want to live as happily as possible with him, and the rest of the family. I told Damian a little bit about my traumatic experiences from my past in school, and he seemed to understand. I just hope he doesn't do anything triggering to me anymore because I don't like being angry at him, especially when I have to fight him whenever I'm triggered because I turn into an entirely different person. I'm not my mental illness, and I wish I didn't act the way I do with Damian, but my brain will obviously react to his bad behavior out of fear after everything I have gone through in life. Damian can have such a malevolent soul, but I try my best to love him as a brother. I just strongly hope that he at least stops his cruel intentions towards me, so our relationship as brothers isn't complicated. His ODD makes him a ruthless manipulator, but I don't ever want to stop loving my brother. Sometimes, it gets too hard to continue to see him as a brother because of what he does to me, but I really try my best to see him with peace. It's going to be challenging because of my mind, but trying is better than nothing. How would you react if your sibling attacked you almost everyday physically with punches, pinches, hits, and slaps? Not only that, but also the mean words that he says to me, which are verbal attacks. Obviously, you're going to dislike it! It's even worse for me because of my trauma, but I want everything to be as peaceful as possible in our family, and I don't want to stop caring about my brother, so I can't ever let go of him. I hope Damian gets better through the years, but if he is the same as he is now, his life won't be easy at all. I'm just glad he is receiving medical treatment for his problems. I just need to think of a plan or something so that I can be as healthy as possible at home. I can go back with my father, and just be with him and my brother Jamie, but I want to stay here with my mother and my little siblings. It would be nice to have Jamie and my father here too, but they're fine without me for now. My mom and four little siblings need me right now, and I'd be wrong to leave them behind with my mom's boyfriend at home. I can't trust leaving my family with a criminal! So, I will stay here as long as I can with them. At least I have my favorite music to get me through any of the challenges that are coming my way! Although, I do think about just putting Steven under the ground and let Xander take full control of what Steven has control of. Obviously, Xander can not control my entire brain, but he can control everything that he is able to control. That means that I'll just become content, and completely zoned out of the human world. I'm already autistic, but Xander will completely take me out of the human world, and that's what I desire. I just stick with Steven for now because I love my family too much to be Xander. Being Xander means I won't have love nor anything like that for anyone, but I don't want to do that with my family. It's impossible to let go of my love for my family.

- May 30, 2021