Dance Through Trauma

May 9, 2021

I've always liked to observe the behavior of neurotypicals, even when I didn't know about my autism. It has always been interesting to see how people socialize with each other like how can a couple of friends join together and form a circle to communicate everything? Neurotypicals have this invisible magnet that pulls them together. I don't understand how someone can go to a person and start a conversation. It's mysterious, and I can learn the science, but I'll truly understand the other side. Social behavior in neurotypicals is very interesting because I don't understand it. They also use body language to communicate, which is strange to me because I only use words to communicate. I prefer to communicate through writing, but neurotypicals use body language to tell others about what they're talking about. It's strange to me as I don't understand it, but I know that's how they're wired to be. Also, the eye contact that is done through neurotypicals worries me a lot because I don't know how much eye contact I need to do whenever I'm facing a person who is talking because I don't want to offend them. For neurotypicals, making little eye contact or a strange kind of eye contact may seem rude. The eye contact that I do is never intended to express to others about something negative. I just don't know how to do eye contact that is appropriate to neurotypicals. I don't know how and when to do eye contact whenever I'm face to face. I don't want to look at someone too much or too little because I'll either come off as rude or creepy. I used to make too much eye contact when I was younger, and I had people call me a "creep." I've learned how to manage my eye contact a little. However, I still go through many moments in which I have someone talk to me face-to-face, while I have no idea of what to do with my eyes because of the fear that I will offend them, especially if they're neurotypical. If I didn't have to worry about offending people with my eye contact, then I wouldn't look people in the eyes whenever they talk to me face-to-face. I would just look down or somewhere else, or just look at their facial features while I listen to what they're saying. I don't even focus on what's happening in the view of my eyes when I'm listening. My eyes are looking, but it's like I go blind whenever I have to hear someone talk to me. When I'm listening to someone, I completely focus on what they're saying, and I try my best to understand what they're saying because of my auditory processing issues, so it can be a challenge to listen to people talk to me. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so that is why I worry about offending people without intending to. I'm autistic, so my communication is different from how others communicate. I don't understand the neurotypical social world nor their form of communication and behavior. It's interesting to observe though since I like to learn about things related to the brain.

- May 9, 2021