Dance Through Trauma

September 2, 2022

I told my mom in text that I no longer want to be the "man of the house" or the "father-figure" of my siblings. I'm barely 20 years old, and just recovered from years of mental illness. I don't have the mental capacity to play dad for my four siblings. I don't want to play the role that a father usually plays. I just want to help out financially, and with some things in the house like clean around the kitchen or something, not raise my siblings or worry about signing them up to school. My mom used to do it all by herself without knowing much English, but now she wants me to do it all for her, and I'm sorry, but that is her job, not mine. I will help if it's actually necessary. I don't want my mom to think I'm the man of the family. I want her to see her twenty-year-old autistic son who has just gotten out of years of mental pain. I want to start to live and enjoy my life; not poison it with being a father-figure to 4 kids. I know it's hard for my mom to do it all, which is why she will give at least visitations to Ovidio, so he also helps out with the kids. My mom has to learn and figure out how to do things for herself and her children, and not depend on a man for that. She's used to having a man do everything that she has me do. If I keep playing daddy, I will actually fall back into depression because I can't even handle babysitting my siblings for 4 hours on a Saturday. I'm not mentally capable of it, not because I'm lazy or don't want to help, but because I am an emotionally sensitive person. Hello! I'm autistic! I strongly wish I could play the dad for my siblings, so they have nothing to do with that man, but I don't have the mental capacity to do that. I just don't. God is there, and he will comfort my mother because unfortunately, she will have to see that man in her life due to the kids for at least the next 20 so years. God, however, is love itself, and he will be within my mother's spirit. I know all will turn out well.

- September 2, 2022