Dance Through Trauma

April 14, 2021

Morning: Today, I'm feeling very sad. I can't play with my siblings nor spend time with my mom anymore without fear that my mother's boyfriend will hurt me. I don't like living here anymore, and I don't want to talk to anyone anymore because my mom's boyfriend is a perfect reason for why I fear people. I will try to stay in my room most of the time from now on until my mom's boyfriend leaves the house or if we move out. I don't know if I can ever enjoy my time with my family anymore because I feel like I'm just bothering them, especially my mom. I can't be my autistic self anymore without my mom's boyfriend, Ray, here at home. He's so judgemental, and I can't live at a house with someone like him because all I get is emotional distress. So, because of how I act, he thinks I will do the worst thing one can imagine to my own baby sister? Why does he think that? Is it because of what I told him about my autism when I told him that I only feel a little empathy for people? I feel empathy, but I try my best not to let it interfere with my ability to function as I am too empathic. Whether I have empathy or not, I would never hurt my sister because it's just not in my nature to hurt others. My traumatized brain doesn't like seeing others being hurt to begin with, so why would I choose to hurt others when that's the one thing that I dislike the most? I'm not sure why he doesn't like me but he was like that with Damian. It's just Ray who is the problem here because he's done the same thing with my brother and mother, so it's nothing new, just deja vu. However, I'm still going to stay inside my room just to avoid Ray. I just can't continue being my natural self at home while he assumes the worst out of my behavior. I can never be myself without people judging and it's been that way my whole life. Why me? What did I do wrong? I can't be myself? Why do I have to be someone that society wants me to be? Again, I know there's science behind all of this, I just don't like how people are like this towards not only me, but others as well. The day there is no more hate in the world will be the day humanity shines. My whole life, I have been judged just for being me, and I'm tired of it. I can't let this take me down though because after all, I have me, and that's all I need. Self-love will help me get through the disasters caused by humanity. It's time to set myself free away from any person on this planet and only focus on myself, again. I've done this already, where I suppress my feelings for anyone, even my own family, so that I will be stress-free. It's not that I'm heartless, but I don't want to suffer emotionally in any way ever again. If I lose my mother or if she goes through something terrible, I will get emotional for her, and my empathy can be so strong that it makes me want to leave this universe through death. That's why I think just focusing myself completely will be the best choice. The only way this will affect my mother is that I no longer am the same person I was, and my intention isn't to hurt her. I feel so bad if I decide to do this because I love my mom but it's for my own best, especially as my brain is too emotionally sensitive to many things. She won't understand why I've changed if it happens, but she will still have me in her life. I'll always be in her life until she leaves this world. I just won't be myself anymore. I will go back to being a schizoid-like person. Otherwise, I will continue to suffer the way I am suffering now. Doing this would mean that my body is adapting to Xander because Xander isn't human at all. I want my brain to be the most Xander it can be in order to live a content life. It's the best for me, or else suicide will continue coming to my mind throughout my life. I hope all of this makes sense to whoever is reading this. It's not that I want to be a heartless or bad person by letting myself not feel any emotion towards anyone. I'm doing it to protect myself, and doing this won't hurt anyone except my mother, who will definitely feel a little hurt by this change of mine, but she knows some of the stuff that I've been through, so hopefully she can try to understand and accept me, but I'll always be in her life as she's my mother.

Afternoon: I'm too sad now that I can't be myself at home anymore because I don't want to be hurt by Ray. I have to hide my natural self, Steven, in order not to be hurt. I just don't want to be hurt by any human ever again, but I realized that I'm already being hurt by him. I went for a walk with my mom and siblings, and when we came back, I told her as we entered the house that I was sick of my life, and it's true. I'm so sick of living like everything in my life is crashing down. Why can't I be myself anywhere without being judged? I'm so tired of humanity because of their unfair judgements. Oh, and what I said earlier about suppressing my emotions for anyone including family, I'm not sure what to do with that idea just yet, but right now, I'm just feeling very unmotivated with life because I see no point in living on a world where I will always be judged for only being myself, which doesn't even harm others. Despite my preference of not wanting to experience emotions, emotion can be the secret ingredient to create art. So, I sometimes tell myself to keep my emotional side, so that I can create art with my own talents. At least that's something that makes me happy to live. So, maybe I won't suppress them anyway because I did decide to keep my emotional side a while ago or otherwise, I will be depressed in life as the brain will always be an emotional organ, so I must feed it with what it desires.

Night: I'm feeling a little better now, especially as my mother's boyfriend left the house. He went somewhere that my mother doesn't know, but I was so happy that he left home because it meant that I could be myself. I spent some time with my mom and siblings, and felt very happy. I mom did get a little mad with me though because I was hyperactive, but I understand that it's because of how stressed she was with my siblings. I mean, she has three little kids and a kid with ADHD and ODD, so she has it hard. I felt kind of hurt by how she got mad at me though because I don't like when people get mad at me for something no matter what it is. My brain just doesn't want to deal with anger from other people at all no matter who the person is. I just want to be around friendly, positive people who accept everything I do without any criticism. Even if I'm behaving a little "too bad," I want to have my own freedom. I understand why my mom got a little mad at me but it made me think that it's better for me to live alone since my brain just doesn't like when people do that to me. I love my mom, and I will try my best not to stress her out, but I want my own freedom. I want her to understand that I really do try my best not to annoy her at all, in fact I never try to intend to annoy her, but it happens anyway. Yeah, I have trouble with self-control at times, but I'm just having fun! It makes me sad when my mom does that though because it makes me feel that my behavior is unacceptable to her, which makes me want to go back to my room and cry about how no one accepts me for who I am. I can't control my behavior when I'm full of energy. I like to throw the toys, run around, and play with my siblings. Sometimes I do bother some of my siblings like for example, I may take a toy away from them and laugh, but I do it out of boredom, not because I want to bother them. It just happens, and it's weird, but I can't control it. I've told myself so many times to stop bothering them that way because I don't like it but I can't control it. I do think it's because of boredom though. I do nothing else for fun other than play with my siblings, so of course my focus will be on them when my brain wants to have fun! I sometimes get too overwhelmed when I play too much with them, and I don't know how to make sure that it doesn't happen, but I'll see what I can do with that. I also sometimes don't want to play with my siblings anymore because I don't want to stress out my mom in any way and I don't want to trigger something within my mom's boyfriend's brain. I just tell myself that one day, I will live alone and be free of stress.

- April 14, 2021