Dance Through Trauma

April 4, 2021

Morning: I'm not sure why but my mom never mentions that I have autism to anyone. She only mentions that my brother Ovi has autism but why doesn't she say that I have autism too? The reason I want her to tell her friends about it, especially her boyfriend's family, is because I don't want to be judged wrongfully by her boyfriend's family. They already notice how quiet and solitary I am. Anyone who sees me in person already sees there's something different with me, especially when I express my autistic traits. I don't want to be discriminated against by anyone for my autism because I can't stand such hate from humans. I've had enough trauma in my life, so I don't want anymore added onto it. So, if her boyfriend's family or friends that are around me notice my autistic behavior, they will understand that I have autism, and not judge me because I'm "childish" or "weird." Unfortunately, so many people in this world don't understand psychology and neurology, so they're quick to judge anyone. If we all understood the science of our brains, we wouldn't judge, and it would be a step closer to peace. However, that won't happen anytime soon. Maybe in a thousand years from now, will there be full peace in our species. So yeah, I just want my mom to mention that I'm autistic to people she knows, so that they won't discriminate against me. Strangers will still be able to discriminate against me, but at least most of them won't express their hate. I think the reason why my mom doesn't say that I'm autistic is because Ovi's autism is more different than mine. Ovi has the "classic" autism while my type of autism used to be called 'Asperger's syndrome' before it was added to the autism spectrum in the DSM-5 (2013). Ovi needs more support needs, while I need less support needs, so our autism is different from each other, but keep in mind that autism is a spectrum, not a single difference. This world is so complicated, but it's how Steven sees it, not Xander. I just try as hard as I can to make Steven less awake in order for Xander to be more awake throughout my physical body. Steven suffers so much, unnecessarily. I just want to get rid of him, but it's impossible. So, I have to try my best to keep him mostly asleep on a healthy level. My poor brain has had enough suffering. And wow, I don't know if you've noticed but I just noticed that I sometimes write as both Steven and Xander. Right now, I'm like 75% Steven and 25% Xander. So, yeah, I'm always both but it's Xander that matters to me. Also, could this two-personality thing of mine be a result of PTSD as a way to cope with my trauma? Probably yes, but it's not just a coping skill, but it's a huge part of who I am. Anyways, I want to put this aside and write about something else that happened today. So, some of my mom's boyfriend's family came to our house this morning. Ray's (mom's boyfriend) sister and her four little children came to our house. I noticed that I was nervous around the little kids, which doesn't happen with me. I'm always open around them and feel much more comfortable around them, but today, I felt anxious because I was afraid that I was going to say something that would make them hate me. If that happened, I would go to my room to cry and boom, my PTSD is triggered. I would start feeling sad and then start hating on humanity for how I have been treated in this world. I seriously wish I lived in space alone or on a planet all to myself, so that way, I could live happily in life and never worry about being harmed by one of the most cruelest species of our universe. Sometimes, I hide my autistic traits online and pretend to be a neurotypical, so I won't be judged, especially by my online friends. I know they're friends, and if they're really my friends, they wouldn't judge, but I'm still afraid. It's more different in person since I have no friends in real life, so the people who'll judge me are just people I'm not friends with, so being judged by strangers hurts less than being judged by friends.

Afternoon: I've noticed that my social anxiety has increased a lot lately because of my fear of being harmed by people. But today, at the park, there was a ginger-haired lady (with her daughter), who was being kind to the little kids from Ray's family since we were all there today right after we had left the white tent at the land property owned by Ray's mother near our home. We were at the white-tent for church service since Ray's mother is a pastor, and since Ray and my mom are Christians, they go to her church services almost every Sunday. I'm agnostic, but I go with them anyway because staying at home would make me feel even more bored of life. Anyways, going back to the ginger-haired lady, I wanted to thank her for her kindness to the little kids. You could clearly see her positive energy shine itself through her. I wish more people like her existed in our world. It gave me some faith in humanity, really. Oh! Also, going back to the white tent place, I played with the little kids outside of the tent while the adults stayed inside. I played tag with them, but I got easily exhausted. I didn't worry about whether the adults would see how "odd" it was for me to play with the kids as I'm legally an adult, but what matters is that I had fun! It distracted me from the sadness of life.

Night: I had a small accidental fall about 20 minutes and fell onto the floor in my mom's room that she shares with my littles siblings and her boyfriend. The room has a two-step stair from the living room to the room, and I don't know what tripped me, but when I fell onto the ground, I just stared into the ceiling, thinking about death. I thought, "Why didn't I get severely hurt from the fall? I would have been close to death." I wanted something worse to have happened to me because I just have no pleasure in living anymore, and a severe fall would have led me closer to death. I don't know why I even try to stay alive, when death is really my biggest desire as of now. There's nothing left to do in the physical universe. My time alive is definitely over, and I know that I'm only 18 years old, but I'm tired of living.

- April 4, 2021