Dance Through Trauma

April 11, 2021

Forget about what I said yesterday, I'm going to get that vaccine once I'm eligible. Let's just hope it won't turn me into a zombie! But seriously, let's hope none of that isn't true because anything is possible. So, putting that aside, I wanted to write about what I don't want to share on social media music-related because even though I'm no longer sharing my personal thoughts on it, I'm not going to share my expression for music unless it's on my instagram fan page account. I share a lot about my music interests on Snapchat, but I realize that no one cares about it, and well, I'm going to try avoiding any replies to my stories that may be negative because humans will be humans. At least on my fan page, people who follow me are following for the music I post, and well, I have my comments, story, and direct message replies off from everyone except the people I follow. It's one of my favorite features on Instagram. Otherwise, I wouldn't even post on any account about my music interests but honestly, I don't know how that would even work out because I'm too in love with music, and expressing my love for music on social media is way better than keeping it in. I just tell myself that even if no one likes my Instagram account, the account is only for me as I like to look at it for the platform's design, and well, the music I post. But anyways, I will no longer share on Snapchat about anything related to music and nothing else except some pictures that I may take on that app whenever I feel like it. I have a few people who follow me there, so I want to keep them updated with my life in some form. I just don't want to share music stuff, not because I think no one cares, but because I don't want to risk getting a judgmental reply to my Snapchat stories about my music interests. I've had people through the years judge my taste for music, so I want to avoid that. It's a very typical thing for human beings, but I will avoid it as much as possible. If people were peaceful, then I would probably constantly post about a song I like on social media and never stop, because that's how much I love music! It never gets out of my mind, and I wish I could make music myself, like get into the studio and record some songs, but I don't think it'll ever happen. I'm still dreaming about that day though, but for now, I shall sing out loud at home and sing songs that I've written or songs by my favorite music artists. Music is the best way of escaping the human world, along with imagination. I don't want to be part of humanity, but I'm stuck here. I remember when I was like 13 years old, I wished for aliens to take me away from this planet and take me to their home planet because humans seemed very hostile, and I was tired of feeling scared of living in such a world. If I was ever abducted by aliens and taken to their home planet, first of all, I would've been on a planet with no humans. Second of all, there would be aliens! Third of all, I would be safe, if the aliens are peaceful, of course! But it's unlikely that this will happen. At least I've seen a few UFOs that were possibly driven by aliens. That's the closest I've ever been close to aliens or probably the closest ever. Even if I could leave this planet, I would want to bring some of humanity with me, and not the people, but the art that some talented humans have created, like music. I need my music with me, so I can always be happy. I'm so addicted to music, I would definitely lose my mind if I didn't have it with me. Music is the best drug mankind has ever made, in my opinion! The worst creation of humankind is their existence, and I won't lie, some of humanity is amazing, but I have trust issues even with the purest humans of all time. What do you expect from someone like me with a brain full of trauma? It shouldn't shock you! Oh, if I had to leave Earth, I'd also bring more human-made things. I wonder how that would work out, but I have to try to stay positive as much as possible while I'm here. The only way I know is very likely to happen for me to escape this world is death, which is why I've considered it so much in the past. But, like I've said before, I must live as much as possible and enjoy life, even if there's no meaning to it, as I like to believe. Everything to me is an illusion, and I don't see anything with emphasis, so it can be hard on Steven as he has always been emotional, but I still try my best to make Xander take over Steven because it'd be easier to live in this world as Xander. Oh, I'm already judging myself because I feel like that as a writer, I should be more serious and basic, but I really like to be creative with my writing, so even if my writing doesn't reach an audience of people, at least I enjoyed my time with it! It helps me cope with PTSD, so let me put away that insecurity and tell myself that what I write is okay! There are no rules to how a person should write. Everyone is free to write in their own style, and it doesn't have to be basic. So, be yourself through any of your interests, and do not try to please society because of your unique style! Going onto another topic now, I want to write about my parents. I love my mother and father, and no matter what happens between us, I will always love them. I don't understand my father's psychology, but from what he has told me about his past, he had a hard time growing up in Mexico. My mom had a hard time too, but fortunately, the hard life didn't affect her kind-hearted personality. It did affect my dad though as he can get easily angry, and since I can't communicate in person that well, he misunderstands me a lot, which leads him to his defensive side. I still love him though, but I wish he understood that I am disabled, and just because others with my mental conditions were able to work, it doesn't mean that I can work. Everyone struggles with mental illness differently, so I wish my dad stopped comparing my struggles to others' because my battle with mental illness can't be comparable. Plus, I'm autistic, so I don't see the world the way neurotypicals do, and in-person communication is challenging. Not only that, but I also have loss of concentration and get easily frustrated, especially when there's a change to my daily routine. One change to my life will make my head explode, it's just how I am. If my dad understood my struggles as a traumatized autistic, he wouldn't try to pressure me to work. He may not be intending to pressure me, but his constant sayings about me having to work pressures my brain. It's mainly why I had to move out of his apartment. I can't move on forward with my life by myself. I need support in certain areas, so I can move forward. My dad would have helped me with my life, but his character makes it hard for me to stay mentally stable through pretty much anything. Despite his negative doings, he has done great things for me like help me with my mental health treatment. Now, my mother is helping me with all of my life problems, and I prefer her to help me than my dad because she's more easier on me and understands my challenges with life as the person I am. PTSD is such a disabling illness, and autism is hard to have in a world run by neurotypicals that believe autism is a disease, when it's a difference. Sure, I have a hard time doing some things that neurotypicals don't have a hard time doing, but it's all part of my nature. Just because you aren't good in certain areas, it doesn't mean that you have a disease. As much as I wish I could do things by myself, I need support from other people, especially from my parents, so I can move on with my life, and have it easy. I want to be independent, but for now, I can't. I don't know if I can receive help from others, but from my parents, I can. I trust my parents, so I will be fine with them. They've been there throughout my whole life, even when they didn't understand much about mental illness. I'm full of gratitude for what they've done for me because they're one of the reasons why I'm still alive today. They're the only people in this world that won't judge me at all because they know me too well to judge unfairly.

- April 11, 2021