Past Friends

Part 38: Panic Attack

Loki continues to ravage your lips, giving you kiss after kiss, with each passing moment losing more and more self-control. You meanwhile weren't sure what to do; the guy you liked was kissing you, which was beyond exciting but also completely overwhelming, emotionally. You find yourself getting more nervous, more anxious, and more overwhelmed, as a result, you start to freak out. Your heart is racing and feels like it's going to burst out of your chest. You begin breathing faster as your whole body starts to tense up. You try to calm down but find that you can't, quickly realizing that you might be having a panic attack.

You try to pull away but Loki's hold on you is too strong, and seeing as he was currently kissing you no words were able to escape from your mouth. You place your hands on his collarbone hoping the pressure and pushing would get his attention. Luckily at that moment Loki started trailing kisses down your neck and although you found it hard to speak while freaking out you managed to quietly call out to him whispering "Loki... please... please stop".

Just as Loki places one of his hands on the belt of your robe to pull it loose, he snaps back to reality quickly pulling away to look at you. He sees how scared you looked, on the verge of tears and breathing so rapidly you were nearly hyperventilating. He completely let's go taking a step back, feeling guilty that he took it too far with you. He recalls your time in the Medical Bay at Shield; after placing his hand on your arm you pulled away, then revealing to him that you weren't usually comfortable with long-term physical contact, the occasional hug, high five, or gentle head pats being the exceptions. You then said you were sorry and hoped he didn't think you were being rude. He remembers you trying to play it off like it was no big deal and quickly changed the subject asking him what he liked to do when not fighting. He didn't realize how much this sort of thing could negatively affect you until now.

Loki apologizes repeatedly, asking you what he can do to help you right now, hoping that would calm you down. To Loki's dismay, however, you continued to freak out, while you realized that you were in fact having a panic attack. You place your hands over your heart, trying to calm down and focus on breathing. Normally knowing that you're having a panic attack helped you calm down, by rationalizing your way through it, but not today apparently. This made you're panicking even worse, resulting in you actually starting to hyperventilate as tears start flowing down your face.

Loki sees that whatever you're going through is only getting worse but isn't sure what's happening. He asks Friday if they know what's happening and they tell him that it appears that you are having a panic attack. You nod your head in confirmation as Loki asks Friday to clarify, not knowing what a panic attack is. Friday tells Loki that a panic attack occurs when a human is overwhelmed by intense anxiety. Friday goes on to explain that although you can't die from a panic attack if you were unable to calm down, due to the current speed at which you were breathing you were very likely to pass out soon.

You sit back down on the couch trying to calm down, you close your eyes and focus on just breathing. You managed to calm down a bit but you were still crying. You hear Loki moving past you, and being afraid he was leaving you open your eyes and quickly reach out to grab his hand. You look up at him, through your tears and heavy breathing you beg him not to go.

Loki wasn't planning on leaving, he was just unsure of what to do and was merely stepping away for a minute to collect himself. He kneels down before you and gently taking your other hand he tells you softly that he won't leave you, not ever. He rubs his thumbs over your knuckles, as he reassures you that everything is going to be okay.

After about 5 minutes you were completely calm again, feeling much better but more than a little embarrassed. "Loki I'm sorry, I hope I didn't scare you, I just..." you start but you paused, thinking over in your head exactly what you wanted to say. You decide it would be best just to be honest with Loki, starting by apologizing again for freaking out on him. You then go on to explain that the whole feelings and romance was new territory for you, and that you have never admitted to liking anyone before. How he was actually the first person to make you feel this way and that you weren't sure how to deal with it. How you didn't think it was even possible that he could like you back, which only added fuel to the "anxiety fire" burning inside you.

Loki then asked you to clarify why you thought he wouldn't or couldn't like you back. You look away, and then down at your lap not wanting to admit the reason you felt that way but he insisted. "Well... you're a beautiful, smart, powerful immortal, a prince of Asgard, you are literally a god Loki and I'm..." your voice trails off as you think about how perfect you thought he was, and how you were an extremely anxious, emotional mess that was anything but perfect.

"Y/N... look at me" Loki whispers but you continue to look down at your lap. He places one of his hands on your chin making you look up at him. He looks deep into your eyes as he reminds you of what he told you once before; you are not nothing, you are indeed very important. He then leaned in close, less than half a foot away and says "immortal or not, prince or not I am still a man... a man who adores you". He then gives you a kiss on the lips, "a man who will worship you, if you allow him to" he continued gently rubbing your cheek with his thumb. You feel the sincerity of his words pierce the deepest parts of your heart, and before you realized what you were doing you leaned forward giving him a kiss. You let out a gasp as you quickly pull back wide-eyed and shocked, cheeks turning pink from what you had done. You tried to say something, an apology, anything but you just start to sputter unable to form actual words. "There's my darling," Loki says smiling as he leans in to give you another kiss.