Kiara
I pay my bill around 2 o'clock and get out ready to go home by foot. I sigh when I spot JJ leaning against the hood of my car outside of the restaurant.
,,You done now?" he looks up from his phone.
,,What are you still doing here?" I ask tired from everything.
,,Waiting for your dumb ass." he crosses his arms.
,,Get in the car, we are leaving." he states and steps forward.
,,No." I say and turn around from him.
,,Kiara, get in the fucking car! You are not walking home! It's freezing and it's late." he shouts after me.
,,Watch me!" I keep going till I have to stop on the edge of the road to wait for a car pass by me so I could cross over.
When it happens, I don't move. I just stare into the woods in front of me, remembering what JJ told me at the end of the painball game.
I hear him move behind me, which brings me back into the reality. I can't do this anymore. He's right.
I sigh and turn around to look at him standing by me car but closer than he was before. He raises his eyebrows at me but doesn't say or do anything.
I look between us and move forward. I stop and make a line on the dusty road with my shoe.
Then I go back to where I was standing.
,,What are you doing?" he finally asks when I look back at him.
,,Do you that line?" I nod at it. He nods without looking.
,,You could say it's between us, right? In the middle?" I ask another question. He looks at it this time and nods once again kind of confused.
I step 5 steps forward stopping just right before the line.
,,I'm tired of this shit. You were fucking right about everything you said earlier in the woods, so..." I look down.
,,This is me meeting you in the middle." I state and cross the line. His lips part a bit suprised but I draw another line.
,,And this is me stopping about the furure because I can't change it." I step over and then make another line.
,,This is me appologizing for everything I did to you. This is me promising I won't do it again." I step over and make another line.
,,And this is me choosing the possibility that it can be no one." I make the last step.
JJ's keep looking at me without a word. After anothe minute he looks between us. There is still space for two more steps.
,,There are two more steps to go." I state and he looks up.
,,But I can't make them." I add.
,,Why not?" he asks.
,,You have to." I say with a tight smile.
,,But you are not ready yet. I can see it in your eyes. Something is still holding you back." he looks away and I know that I am right.
,,It's okey. I can wait until you are." I start to turn around, when he speaks up.
,,Why didn't you tell me?" I turn back to look at him.
,,That you are alive." he adds without looking at me.
,,I couldn't..." I sigh.
,,I mean, the real truth is, that... I knew I will do anything to get him. It wasn't just about my parents anymore. It was about you too. I wouldn't go any futher in our little investigation if I knew what it will do. I would have give up in getting the real killer of my parents, because you were alive and it's more important that you would stay alive. But I poked into the wrong nest and he knew that I am not the only one who knows the truth. He also knew that the police thinks he already has the killer and didn't know anything more usefull in getting to him, so he knew he can get rid of anyone. You were next. Then Sarah. Maybe all of you. I couldn't let that happen, JJ." I sigh.
,,I knew I will do anything to get him arrested to keep you alive and that meant that I might not survive for real. I didn't tell you.. because I didn't know if I will get home and I couldn't... I couldn't put you throught that twice. And I couldn't let you stop me, which you would have." I say the whole truth. There is no reason to keep it away from him anymore.
,,I already lost everything. Well, almost everything. I couldn't lose you or anyone else too. I was in position to do something and I took it. Because you are right, it's not better if it's me and not you. It's not better for you or me, but I knew... I know you would do anything to protect me, so would I. I could have do something... and I did. I took the chance. It might have been the wrong one, maybe I could have done something different, but I can't say I wouldn't do anythinh different, because it end up none of you or me dying. Who knows what would happen if I didn't do it? Maybe he would try again and I would actually die, maybe one of you would die. I couldn't risk that." I state.
,,I am really truly sorry that you thought I am dead. I can't imagine that. I don't want to even think about you dying and not be with me ever again. I wouldn't survive it, so for that I understand.. for what happened between us, between the Pogues and me. I do. I don't blame you. I understand it hard for you to understand my reason. We are standing on opposite sides in this, but I had to do it, J. I can't regret it. I don't. You are alive and even if you decide you can't forgive me, you'll be alive and that's everything for me. There isn't anything else I am more gratefull for." I finish. He finds my eyes and just looks at me taking it all in.
,,I'm sorry too." he says.
,,What for?" I raise my eyebrows.
,,I told you, I don't blame you for anything that happened after." I say. He takes a step forward and looks at one of the lines.
,,I couldn't forgive you, because... I can't forgive myself. Because everytime I think about it, I remember how.. how I yelled at you. I rememer every second of it, but it wasn't me. I don't that to be me." he shake his head.
,,I feel like my father and I don't want to be anything like him..." I stop him.
,,JJ." I frown.
,,You are nothing like him!" I shake my head suddenly angry.
,,I don't have anything to forgive you, because... Jesus Christ, how can you even think that!" I shake my head again not finishing what I was going to say.
,,He wouldn't stop at the yelling. You fucking yelled at me... and you walked away. That's it. He wouldn't do that! He wouldn't stop! Yes, you yelled and fucking what!? You have been through so much! I died and then you find out I didn't and I lied about it! Everyone would be in shock and mad! I didn't think for a second you would hit me or anything. You yelled and walk away. You couldn't do anything better for me than that!" I shake my head once again.
,,I don't forgive you, because there isn't anything to forgive! You can be mad at me for doing something stupid! I yelled at you myself couple of times before! You deserved it then. I deserved it too at the moment." I state. He's looking at me like he can't believe I said that.
