Bungou Stray Dogs x Male Reader Oneshots

Akutagawa x Reader

Thanks @MarOnTheStars for the request!
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‼️self h@rm‼️
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This was more stressful than I wanted it to be.  The silence stretching between us was almost painful as Akutagawa waited for me patiently.  It was one of the few times he wasn't wearing his usual scowl or deadly glare.  It was like he could feel the way I threatened to break.  As if the silence was the only thing holding me together as I shakily inhaled the air. 

I almost wanted to tell him to forget it, that I wasn't ready to tell him yet.  But he would easily pick up that I wasn't doing okay and that I haven't been for awhile now.  I didn't want him to then try to coax the truth out of me because then it wouldn't give me the pride of actually reaching out for help myself.  It would feel like a stolen win and for once I wanted to be the person who did things right.  It was a lot of pressure though. 

"This is hard...and I'm sorry if I go quiet or trail off but I'm trying to word my sentences correctly," I whispered.  My hands were already trembling in my lap before I gripped my jeans to try to hide it.  Akutagawa was watching the way my fingers twitched though.  I suppose that was better than looking at my face, at the way I held back my tears. 

He only nodded in understanding, urging me to continue without the pressure of having to.  It was like he knew that if he said anything aloud, I would shatter into a million pieces.  It would solidify that this was real and that he was here with me.  That I was actually going to lift up my sleeves, lift up my shirt.  That I was going to spill everything that I've been bottling up for years now with no healthy way to cope.  I was going to show him how weak I was because I had been strong for too long by myself. 

"Just breathe.  We can wait as long as you need," Akutagawa whispered carefully.  It was such a quiet sound that I was half convinced it was nothing more than a voice in my head.  But his dark eyes glanced at me in concern and care for a brief moment.  I nodded my head shakily, taking deep breaths to calm myself down.  This was it.  There would be no taking it back after this. 

"I'm sorry Akutagawa, this is harder than I thought it would be," I whispered, my grip on my jeans tightening as I shook my head.  My voice was clearly choked up as I trembled.  Why was this harder than when I was in the bathroom left unattended with a blade?  Why did saying it out loud hurt more than the feel of the cuts?  It didn't make sense, none of it did really when I thought about it.  How could I even think of doing this to myself?

"Whatever it is, y/n, I'm here for you.  Even when it doesn't seem like it, I'm always on your side," he gently assured me.  He reached out but seemed to think better of it before he settled his hands on his thighs instead.  At any other time I might've been saddened but he seemed to realize that if someone were to touch me right now, happened to touch my wrist when I was on the verge of a panic attack, I would freak out.  He seemed to always know what my boundaries were in different moments.  That, or I was obviously having a difficult time which might've also been true. 

"I've been cutting..." I choked out in a whisper.  The words seemed to echo off the walls and curl in the air like smoke from a fire.  I hunched over as tears slid down my face and my breathing turned heavy.  It was real now.  It was my reality.  The scars on my arms and stomach and hips and everywhere actually existed and were caused by me.  And now Akutagawa knew. 

"Oh god..." I muttered, my hands moving to tug at my hair as I refused to look at whatever expression he wore on his face right now.  I didn't want to see the pity, the disgust, the annoyance, any of it.  I didn't want to be here telling him this anymore.  I briefly wondered if I could manage to just walk out of the room and never talk to him again.

"Y/n...".  Akutagawa's voice trailed off as if he wasn't sure how to continue.  I didn't blame him as my face fell in my hands.  My body shook and the tears slipped through my fingers. 

When I felt I couldn't stand this anymore, arms wrapped around me from the side.  I should've hated contact at that moment when I was feeling vulnerable and afraid.  I should've snapped at him and told him that when I say stuff like that, I don't want to be touched.  But it was comforting.  Feeling Akutagawa hold me like that as I cried and trembled and felt utterly broken, made me feel something other than a bitter hatred for myself, at least for a moment. 

But that moment felt like everything.  It felt like the first breath of air after nearly drowning.  Like seeing the stars again after leaving the city.  Like I could keep moving forward through the pain like I've always done but come out stronger on the other side for once.  No matter what it meant though, I let myself enjoy this.  I gave into what I deemed was a selfish desire and took comfort in his care.  Because god damn it, I deserved this moment of peace.