A Lot More Hermitcraft Stuff

Pirate AU

starting with an AU! the people who helped flesh this out were soiamaxx and Nightmare761 so thanks lads (some of this is copy pasted ^-^;)

-Cub and Scar are the captains of the crew ConVex with Cleo as their first mate; the other hermits on board are Joe, Stress, and False

-Impulse is the captain of the crew ZIT with Zed and Tango as his first mates; the other hermits on board are Wels, Python, and Jevin

-Xisuma is the captain of the crew Hermitcrew with EX as his first mate; the other hermits on board are literally every other hermit (including Biffa)

-Doc used to be the captain of a crew called The nHo, but Xisuma invaded them and killed all them; he took in Doc as their swab (cleaning person) just to shame him

-BDubs was found later having been saved by a lone sailor named Keralis and Xisuma took them in; he also purposely put them in a higher position than Doc just to shame him further

-Grian used to be a captain of a big crew called Evo (short for Evolutionists) with Taurtis as his first mate, but Xisuma killed them all after they tried to invade his ship; X took in Grian as the new swab to shame him (X likes doing this because it's more enjoyable in the long run)

-Pixl and Zloy own a blacksmith which all the hermits use to buy weapons and stuff from, and they tell each crew they only give discounts to them, when in reality they give discounts to no one

-ZIT isn't really problematic, just pranksters; they have a small, light weight boat and love firing warning shots and cannonballs at other ships but then speeding away before they actually get into a fight (what do you expect with the ZIT team guiding this ship)

-ZIT do own real weapons, but for fun pranks and shit they like to use nerf guns and fire fidget spinners from their cannons all while fornite dancing and yelling "VICTORY ROYALE"; they casually stroll up to Recap's blacksmith like "hi yes can we have a sniper nerf gun please" and Pixl's like "uh we don't sell those-" then Zloy pulls out like 5 different models "any preferences?"

-Grian keeps trying to persuade poor Mumbo to make a new crew with him and Iskall keeps being like "bitch if you don't shut up-", honestly he's ready to toss Grian over board

-just imagine a cool-ass scene where Hermitcrew and ConVex board each others ships and have a fight and it's super cool and there's blood and death and- (also lowkey ZIT is getting eaten by a whale and pinocchio is like ☕☕)

-Grian's trying to flirt with Cleo because he's used to being a captain and having respect, but she's just like, "Off with you, ye filthy swab," and he immediately dies of shame (also Stress being able to shame/diss Grian and Doc is a fantasic image- )

-Stress is just like, "Begone filthy swab, take ye lowly face away from me or I'll toss ye into the dark sea!" and Doc is just like, "bloody hell i just got dissed by a woman aAHHHH-"

-all of them speak in pirate language except for Joe who's still like "howdy ya'll :D" (they still have their accents because i want to see a german accent mixed with pirate speak- )

-Hermitcrew only went after The nHo because Ren and Iskall wouldn't shut the fuck up about it; Xisuma got so sick of them he nearly demoted them and EX was ready to yeet them off-ship

iskall and ren: [yelling about the nHo]
ex: can i please stab them
xisuma, sighing: sadly no

-Cleo's constantly trying to push for more discounts and Zloy (who'ss not having it) is like, "maybe for a little bribe," and then they give him the bribe but he gives no discount and Cleo practically murders him (Pixl is just standing off to side watching with a smirk); honestly Cub and Scar get so damn tired of it like why don't they just leave her on-ship this always happens (Stress is dragging Cleo away with a tired look as her and Zloy are just yelling insults at each other)

- a l l   o f   t h i s   b u t   i n   a n i m e   s t y l e

-X has a purple eyepatch covering two scars that are crossing like an X, EX also wears an eyepatch but just for coolness points and he unnerves everyone with his red eyes, Doc has a hook and an eyepatch as well, Iskall has an eyepatch, and anything else???

-ZIT are actually really rich, well off people who are just pirates for the shit of it; one day they're on a cruise in like the summer and they see Hermitcrew's ship just chilling and they yell insults at them and Hermitcrew is like "wtf"

-Keralis is just too nice to everyone and Ren and Iskall are like "i want to hate you for saving BDubs but you're just too goddamn nice like jesus"; also him and Python are friends so whenever they see each other they yell and wave (in battle they just chat happily and casually shoot anyone who comes near)

-Xisuma's like "this is what you get Ren, Iskall. You wanted to murder the nHo and now you have to deal with the consequences" and Ren and Iskall are yelling at each other "WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT YOU ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES"

-EX is done with everyone's shit, including Xisuma's, but at least he's a good first mate; also EX's solution to most things that annoy him are "can i kill them?"

-Python just being like "OH HI KERALIS" and X is like "wtf" and EX is like "can i murder them" and Ren asks who exactly and EX says "both"

-BDubs just laughing for hours at Doc because he was captain of The nHo and now BDubs is higher ranked than him-

-BDubs is the type of guy who's super cocky, but when Doc picks him up and nearly yeets him overboard he yells like a little girl; honestly EX is all for it, but Xisuma stops them (and yells at EX like "WTF DUDE")

-ZIT buy those bright pink nerf guns meant for girls because, let's be honest here, they would

xisuma, after seeing ZIT's bright pink nerf guns: the hell is that? you're not even real men huh
ZIT: actually we ARE real men because we don't allow ourselves to be overtaken by toxic fragile masculinity
xisuma: i- what

-Doc, Ren, and Iskall have a stiff, slightly awkward relationship, but they can all agree to hate on Keralis and BDubs; one day they plan on how to get rid of the two but it backfires and they have to do Grian's job for a week (Grian's just Take-The-L-dancing on them the entire time, knowing he's going to regret later but doing it anyway)

-BDubs and Keralis, when they were brought on, were almost automatically pretty high ranks literally just because Xisuma liked them (Doc, Iskall, Ren, AND EX nearly rioted)

-Xisuma lowkey does anything to keep Grian busy cause when he gets bored, the ship is in danger of blowing up and sinking; X might be having second thoughts about taking him in but it's too late

-to go up ranks, there are challenges; like to go from swab to gunsman, you have to fight the lowest ranked gunsman (this wouldn't apply to first mate or captain) i just imagine Grian has no fighting skills and is instantly K.Oed so that's why he can never go up a rank

-before Doc came, Mumbo was the swab and lowkey feels bad for Doc and Grian, but he isn't complaining because being swab sucked

-we haven't really discussed Joe yet and I feel as though he's kinda a third in command (being close to Cleo) so what if he died-

-Joe would be the guy that if he sees his crew is losing a fight, he can talk the other pirates into leaving them alone; he's also the only one who can get actual discounts from Zloy

-and to end this, some angst; Grian has no fighting skills, but he's pretty sneaky and cunning. Even though he's made friends with some of the hermits, he still holds a grudge against Xisuma for killing the Evolutionists so he's constantly trying to sabotage them. He manages to trick a bunch of drunk hermits to play russian roulette with him, but he makes himself last because he knows they'll get caught before the gun reaches him. Two people die (maybe Iskall and Biffa???) before Xisuma catches them. To stop the game, X shoots Grian in the arm and gives him the punishment of only eating one meal for the next two months. The only reason Grian is still alive and part of the crew is because he's really good at planning attacks and raids and Xisuma lowkey needs him (although he would never admit it out loud, Grian has already figured this out which is why he pulls so many deadly pranks)

*looks at word count* and i oop, one thousand and a half words ^^;

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