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MENACE

Author: peachynyeong_

Reviewer: yoonchim_Z

Title: MENACE

Cover: 2/10

It's dark. It's dull. It's everything you don't want to see on a cover. The fonts and the character itself are unbelievably blurred, the quality is extremely poor and it's just plain boring. As a reader, I would've looked overbook just by its cover. And if you think I'm judgy, people actually judge books by their cover, ESPECIALLY on Wattpad. You could say that you want to attract people with the storyline instead of having a fancy cover and a crappy plot. If that's what you're thinking then sure, go right ahead. The amount of reads will go up as slow as a snail. Take advantage over those graphics shops in Wattpad. At the end of the day, you'll be satisfied with not only the story you brought out, but including the way you have it represented to all the readers.

Title: 4.5/5

I for one could imagine how amazing your book could stand out with this title. The font used is extremely bold and elegant. All I can say is that it does have the potential to shine. I nearly reduced the score to 2 mostly because the cover ruins the bold and aesthetics the title itself holds. Other than that I really love it! The definition had me interested. Honestly just keep it. I can't give you any more tips for something that's already perfect, could I? But I would say this, again. Change the cover. It does mess with the symbolism your title holds.

Synopsis: 6/10

Not liking the way you try to place everything on a cliffhanger. Reduce the amount of questioning and increase the suspense, the tension the readers crave before going into the story. You literally revealed the entire prologue and the starting point of each part of the story arc, even if it's not detailed. A piece of advice, reduce anything related to Chan's background story and focus on the main aim. The main part of the story that you aim to attract readers with. And what would that be? The school. Talk more about the school. Add in dialogues and teasers from the story itself. Just avoid using question marks entirely. A perfect description comes in the form of revealing a tiny climax scene And teasers are the best way to go.

Plot: 20/30

You had it in the prologue, it pulled me in like a kid with candy. It was slow, yet the pace remained smooth and steady. At some point, I was at the edge of my seat, especially when Chan was almost found. I'd say the prologue is the pinpoint of everything, it was a very long chapter yet it had enough elements to keep one reading. I respect that a lot.

Now the problem comes in the very next chapter. The background story is very rushed, I could barely register what was happening. You tried to stuff too much information into a few paragraphs that had me rereading it multiple times, and I'm not a big fan of looking back on a paragraph again and again just to understand and remember the details. (A more detailed review of this will be in the characters' section.)

Going to the topic of realism, it's very doubtful. Chan refused to go under foster care and was on the run. From what I understand, he either took in Chris's identity at 15 and the meeting with Yuri happened two years later, or he had taken in the identity when he's 17 and the events with Yuri proceed to happen later. It wasn't specified clearly, but if you did mention it I'm sorry for overlooking it. But either way, it just doesn't matter. If it was the first option, how could Chan, a mere 15 years old steal the identity of a 23-year-old, rent himself a new home (which I bet was illegal as an underage) and find a job? It doesn't make things any better if it was the second option, okay he stole Chris's identity at 17. What in the world happened during the year gap, between 15 and 17? Does he live on the streets? Please reconsider your plotline. If you did specify it somewhere then I'm sorry, I scanned the same chapter 5 times to be exact and I still couldn't find it.

Character: 5.5/10

When it comes to character building and his background, avoid stuffing everything into Chan's childhood/background story. I get that you probably had a bunch of ideas at the time, and the idea of having Chan go through so much at such a young age bodes well with you. No, it doesn't. Don't stuff everything into his background. The ideas you have aren't bad, but too much of it just builds his character into something that seems so pathetic. Moreover, the whole thing looks so rushed. There is no way the readers would be able to recall any of that by the time the story ends. Remove some of it, it wouldn't cost you anything. You could use those ideas for another story, but again don't try to add too many ideas.

Grammar: 18/20

Your grammar and punctuations are very well done! I'm absolutely impressed. I didn't catch any switches of tenses or wrong placements of the commas and such. You did an amazing job at editing! But you might as well curse these sharp eyes of mine for they insisted me to bring out these very tiny mistakes that took off 2 marks from your originally full score. In the first chapter, the very last paragraph before Chan leaves for his class.

The sentence:
Chan entered his classroom from across Nayeon's as gripped the straps of his backpack, eager to learn.

Did you catch the mistake? You left the 'he', fix it so that it's 'as he gripped' instead. And in the next paragraph where Chan plays with Daniel, you've spelled spaceship as 'space ship'. you had it right the first time, however. And moving on, there was a sentence that had me thinking for 5 minutes straight.

The sentence:
Chan searched through the pile of Legos for the next piece was exactly like the one in the picture.

There's clearly something wrong with the sentence. You should look back and reedit these mistakes. There were a couple of other insignificant errors as well (misspelled and wrong usage of words, incomplete sentences), but I'll gladly look over them as they don't affect your writing or building of plot at all.

Writing Style 8.5/10

I have a list of the wrongs the very first paragraph owns. you are not giving instructions to the readers, there is no need to go so deep into explaining the scenes. For example, in the very first paragraph where the main make cereal for herself. I'm sorry but who would be interested in reading one whole paragraph about Catherine making cereal, as well as the colors of almost everything around her? I'm glad it didn't last, the rest of the story wasn't so overly detailed. In fact, it's very well written. I really liked it! The way you made everything detailed, but not too much to the point bores. You knew exactly what you should pinpoint and avoided rants or wordy sentences. But avoid using actions in the middle of a dialogue, it's not very professional-like.

For example: "You didn't think -he taps the side of his head- too hard."

I took a while to figure out it was an action instead of just combining the entire thing. These type of sentences are usually used in a dialogue style story. The ones where they go (Catherine: -jumps- Run Daniel!) so yeah, avoid using these. There were a few sentences as I've said earlier that was queer, so remember to fix those as well.

Overall

There are a couple of things you need to work with. And the first basic thing you must do is change the cover. It's such a huge throw off. Your story has a potential to shine, so take that chance to represent the story the way you want it to be seen. Second off, the description needs a little work as I've said above. And remember, detailing means helping the readers understand and imagine the situation for themselves. But there is no need to describe useless parts (colors, detailed instructions, etc). Personally, your writing does have potential. Your grammar is excellent and plain beautiful. I'll be honest, your book is the first one I've stumbled across that has the perfect and correct usage of punctuations. Hats off to you. Just remember not to rush while writing take it slow and it'll be just perfect.

Review Scores: 67/100

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