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A Luring Darkness

Writer :: iworshipbangtan

Reviewer :: SURREALGGUK

Title :: A Luring Darkness

Cover :: 6/10

Firstly, not every member’s face can be seen. The title covered their faces, which ruins the overall vibe of the cover. Next, the font combinations are just not aesthetically pleasing at all. They’ve completely ruined the overall vibe of the cover, so I suggest that the fonts be changed and repositioned such that all of the member’s faces can be clearly seen. I’d also like to suggest that you remove the stickers because it ruins the mood as well. Instead, you can mention the awards you’ve won in the description, which I see you have already done. Besides the font positioning and the stickers, however, I think the cover does suit the overall vibe you’re going for with your story, so good job!

Title :: 3/5

Though the title is pretty relevant to the story, it’s pretty uncreative. Perhaps more thought can be put into your title to make it more appealing?

Synopsis :: 7/10
Your synopsis gave me a clear idea of what the story is roughly going to be about. With some polishing of the grammar, the synopsis would be perfect.

Plot :: 20/30
The plot was interesting and unique. I liked the suspense surrounding the unknown phone call, but after a few chapters, it got a bit too repetitive. However, I liked that you wrote the book in such a way that the readers could begin suspecting members of the gang, and the addition of Jungkook’s POV made it better as he explicitly stated his suspicions for the readers who didn’t notice. After quite some chapters, it started getting boring. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this as well because if you take a look at any one of your chapters, there are quite a few views, but barely a few votes and maybe one or two comments. I believe that the highlight of the book should be brought forward to an earlier chapter, and more suspense should be leading up to it in order to keep your readers interested.

Characters :: 6/10

Firstly, you should remove the chapter introducing the characters of the book. This is because it spoils all the fun in reading the book in order to explore your characters and find out more if their personalities are just listed right there in the introduction chapter.

For Namjoon’s character: this was the first time someone had written a character in such a way that they would be alarmed when a stranger calls or texts them. Believe me, other books I’ve read didn’t have this, so I’m relieved and impressed that you did so with your character. I can see that you put a lot of thought into describing Namjoon’s thoughts and feelings after receiving the call, and I could really feel his emotions. However, the fact that he didn’t hang up the call and waited for five minutes isn’t acceptable for me. We are all busy people, and in the book, Namjoon also mentioned that the gang was all busy people. Even if they’re on vacation, it should be a habit or maybe even common sense to hang up the call if the person on the other end isn’t talking for some time.

Grammar :: 17/25

Although your grammar mistakes are pretty difficult and tricky to spot, they’re still there, whether you like them or not. I've seen worse grammar, but I’ve also seen better. The grammar mistakes you made, however, are pretty understandable as they are mainly elementary mistakes made by people who probably first started learning English. Dialogue tags SHOULD NOT be capitalized unless it’s a name. This is the most common mistake I found in your book. Other than that, here are some questionable sentences or mistakes I found and how to correct them:

[Namjoon’s kernel began to race in a manner which felt like it was a contestant of some marathon and had to overtake the consistent rank holder.]. I roughly understood what you meant, but the sentence made no sense at all. Firstly, the term [kernel] means 1) the central or most important part or something, 2) the seed and hard husk of a cereal, or 3) the core of an operating system. Looking at these 3 meanings, I can link none of them to what you are trying to tell your readers. Namjoon definitely isn’t a cereal, an operating system, or the most important part of something. Hence, [heart] should be more suitable in this context. Secondly, what is the [it] you’re referring to? Namjoon’s heart surely cannot be a contestant of a marathon, and running should already make your heart rate increase, so writing this by itself would be fine. I roughly think that you’re trying to go for this: [Namjoon’s heart began to pound out of his chest, making him feel like he was running a marathon.]

[May I know who are you?] is improper English. If you want to keep it, you should remove the [May I know]. However, if you want to retain the [May I know], then your sentence should be [May I know who you are?]
[Maybe the criminals were acknowledged on the fact of me and Jungkook being close pals…] doesn’t make sense grammatically. You can search up how to use [acknowledge] for some examples to give you a sensing on how to properly use this word. Furthermore, [me and Jungkook] is wrong here. The sentence should be [Maybe the criminals acknowledged the fact that Jungkook and I were close friends...]

I can tell that English isn’t your first language, but that isn’t an excuse, since you stepped out of your comfort zone to write this book in English anyway. I’m going to need you to put in way more effort than other native English speakers in order to improve your book. If you’re unsure, search it up. I want you to read more books (preferably outside of Wattpad to improve your grammar) to build your word sense. When you want to write and you’re doubtful or unsure how to use a word or a phrase, please search it up. Google will never fail you.

Writing Style :: 5/10

I appreciate the effort put in adding complex words to replace common ones, but it’s a bit too much. You’re simply replacing words with more complex ones instead of adding more description to help readers understand and visualize your story better, and it’s making me suspect that you just wrote everything you wanted, then put them in www.csgenerator.com and just copied and pasted whatever the result was. A good story need not have a massive amount of complex vocabulary but requires vivid and thoughtful descriptions in order to allow the readers to immerse themselves in the story. Currently, it just seems like you’re flaunting all your vocabulary to your readers, and while this may be good to some extent, too much of it definitely isn’t. My point is that you don’t always have to go for big and complex words in order to grasp the attention of your readers. Sure, that is important, but overdoing it could backfire, like what I’m seeing from your books now. Instead, I recommend that you strive to go for more vivid descriptions of scenes to help your readers better immerse themselves into the story.

Overall ::
Your book was pretty interesting in the first few chapters, but I got bored after because it felt like it was dragging on. The vocabulary was beautiful, but you were overdoing it. In addition, you need to proofread all your works before uploading. Stop apologizing for the grammar mistakes, and do something about it. Here at KPOP House, we have an editing shop where you can submit your work to our editors and they’ll edit it for you. Your book has the potential to succeed, but drawing readers in and fixing your grammar mistakes should be your priority.

Total :: 64/100

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