Seesaw Review shop [closed]

Erased

Writer :: mikuteapot

Reviewer :: gukkeun

Title :: Erased

Cover :: 1/10

Is there anything for me to say? It's horribly bland. Your cover literally consists of printed words on a picture. I understand that you're going for aestheticism, but don't let aestheticism hold back the creativity a cover should contain. Plenty of covers out there contain the natural aesthetics yet still managed to snatch the hearts of many. Then there's the problem of relating it to the storyline, it doesn't relate. Jungkook doesn't stand as the character you make him out to be and considering the fact that your story revolves around a suicidal girl the whole cover doesn't work out.

Title :: 3/5

It's negotiable. I didn't understand the meaning behind it until the story reached its end when you eventually revealed why the story is named "erased". Plenty of stories do explain the title at the very last chapter and yours is one of them. Now it isn't uncommon or thrilling so I'll have to take off one point and the other point is due to its lack of creativity. Everything else is reasonable and it holds the meaning it should have.

Synopsis :: 1/10

It's... basically empty. It's another way of saying the book contains R rated scenes without actually pointing it out. But that's basically it, that's the only strong point it has. There's nothing else that reveals what happens in the plot; nothing that the readers could look forward to. As I said, it's empty. Since your story could be categorized as a short story with short-length chapters, I wouldn't suggest a teaser like I usually do with the rest. Instead, just summarize the entire thing into a few sentences. Nothing long is needed, but there has to be a factor that pulls people into clicking that read button

Plot :: 15/30

Why would "you" ask Jungkook, or the rest of his friends if they want to commit suicide with "you" during your very first meeting? I'm more surprised that they're so calm after "you" asked them. Everything else is just really fast paced, how could they feel so fond of "you" when they barely know you? Especially within a short period? There might be time skips in between but it wasn't mentioned well and I assume there were none at all (excluding the skip to Christmas) Personally, I don't feel the bond growing between "you" and the rest of the seven. More thought and planning needs to be done into bringing them together as a family, more chances of letting "you" grow with them and learning their ways of socializing and trusting each other. If there's no story, honestly it just feels like a burden to the seven boys, "you" barely know them and they don't know "you" either, there's no development. Jungkook wants to help "you" and that's just it, he brought "you" into his apartment, then there was no more interaction between "you" and him.

"You" envied their friendship, and there isn't any growth between the main and the seven boys. As I've said, add more story, more content, more events. It's okay to drift slightly away from the plot and let them have fun together. In fact, it's a good idea, "you" could finally bond with the seven for real instead of skipping right to Christmas. Now let's touch on the ending. Yes, I read the very last chapter where "you" explained the very last and confusing scene. Thing is, it doesn't make up for it. All the excitement and wow factor of your mom's boyfriend in fact being your ex is gone. That fact could've been an amazing plot twist in the story if done correctly. Only he never once appeared in the story, and suddenly he's there at the very end and killed "you"? There was too much to take in, and there's nothing shocking about it, or is there any reason behind the so-called twist. It seems like he's there only to finish you off and end the story. It's not sad, it's just a shortcut to end the entire thing

The development of characters, the development of "you", that's what the story is all about. If we push aside Yoongi's little story telling (which honestly didn't do much but it's the best effort I've seen), there's no actual reason why they became her strength. They invited her into the family, take in the fact that they're strangers and they're very comfortable with a girl that asked whether they wanted to commit suicide with her during the very first meeting. It's realistically unrealistic. Show me why she could feel comfortable with seven guys, the reason she feels like she could trust them. This specific type of plot needs effort surrounding the characters to pull off well, don't waste the chance and do it.

Character :: 2/10

I'll get straight to the point, there's nothing to like about the main lead. Even depressed people tend to have a personality. If she doesn't show it at first it's completely fine, but right towards the end, there's no development, even if there is, there's not enough story on it. She shows them her gratefulness, but she doesn't have an aura herself. "You" needs a lot of character development. As for the rest of the seven, there's only a tiny story to them, or Yoongi more specifically. Jungkook as the main, honestly does less than Yoongi ever did, and all the elder did was have a proper and deep conversation with "you", something Jungkook and you never once did.

Grammar :: 17/20

A few mistakes here and there, definitely not the worse I've seen and definitely could be edited better. Look through your story again and re-edit the errors you spot. There's the changing between tenses, remember to fix them, please. I'll point out a couple of other mistakes to help you out.

"How can you have sex with men before even if you're married?!"

This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense now does it? If edited correctly, it'll turn out like this:

"How could you have sex with random men when you were still married to dad?!"

Then there's this sentence.

"It was always been like this."

Was? That's not how you use the verb.

"It has always been like this." That's how it should be. Explore the rest of your mistakes and look up how to build sentence structures because some of your words don't make sense. Like I've said, it's not the worst I've seen and your story is readable, but consider it as a step to improve your language.

Writing Style :: 8/10

The first thing I'll have to mention is the way you explain certain scenes. Now they aren't wrong, but they're not realistic. Let's take this for example: "You gasp as you feel a warm thing pushing itself towards your warm skin." My dear, when a knife, I repeat a knife, gets stabbed into you, the first thing you'll feel isn't the cold metal. It's the stinging pain, the sudden fatigue, that's what you should be pointing out instead. Moving onto the description of scenes, you're definitely above average. Some places could be more detailed, others are just perfect. There's plenty you could improve on, especially vocabulary. But your level deserves some praise, well done.

Overall ::

There's room for more improvements. Your writing isn't the main problem here, it's the plot and the way you carried it out. Character development needs to be the main focus, there has to be a scene where it shows that the seven managed to help the main character, instead you decided it would be better to end it all by having someone else kill her instead. We never got to know if she's getting better, she's happier I sensed that, but mentally show us if there are improvements. Suicidal is a serious topic, and it'll be great to see the slow bonding happening between her and the seven, who'll slowly help her out of her current state.

Total :: 47/100

Your thoughts about the review ---->